Enjoying Freedom

I don't care. I'm surprised at my own non-caringness, but very excited. Life is way less stressful this way. There could be two reasons for this new line of thinking;

1) I'm selfish and don't give a damn about anyone but myself, or

2) I'm only moderately selfish and have realised that people have their own shit going on all the time and this may or may not affect me. Either way it doesn't matter.

Everyone is selfish for the most part, so caring what other people think about you is pointless. They really only care about themselves in the end anyways.
__________

Emily's favourite song's of 2006 list in no particular order:

1) Banquet - Bloc Party
2) Who Are You, Defenders of the Universe? - The Dears
3) One More Night - Stars
4) When the War Came - The Decemberists
5) Wake Up - The Arcade Fire
6) Naked as we Came - Iron & Wine
7) One Evening - Feist
8) The Widow - The Mars Volta
9) Bridge to Nowhere - Sam Roberts
10) The Twist - Metric
11) If I Ever Feel Better - Phoenix
12) Supermassive Black Hole - Muse
13) Sexual Healing - Ben Harper
14) Talkshow Host - Radiohead
15) From What I Once Was - Neverending White Lights
16) There There (The Boney King of Nowhere) - Radiohead
17) Black Swan - Thom York
18) You are a Runner and I am my Father's Son - Wolfparade
19) It's all Understood - Jack Johnson
20) Gold Lion - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
21) I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You) - John Mayer
22) Somersault - Zero 7

You don't care what my favourite songs were this year? Shut up, yes you do. Now go download them and enjoy, biatch.
__________

I got my parents my graduation photos for Christmas, and when they opened it they both cried.

Haha, mom and dad now everyone on the Internet knows that you cried!

I got a new cell phone, leather boots and other stuff including gift certificates with which I already bought a little black dress for new years. We've got a hotel room this weekend and we're going skiing Saturday with all the crap loads and piles and piles of snow, holy shit there's so much snow! Not really, we're going to ski down slopes of watery fake snow and grass.
__________

"Don't settle" they all say, but then what? Maybe the thing right in front of my face is perfect for me, but I can't see it. Maybe I'm blinded by the idea of something better. Something perfect.

The Nutcracker

Is it possible that someone could be more excited than me, Miss.Emily, to be seeing the National Ballet's Nutcracker tonight? The answer to that question is a resounding and explicitly negative...

Hell no.

I saw the Nutcracker when I was two years old or so, and I still remember the ambiance and excitement of the whole experience. I remember specific scenes even, which is amazing for having seen it at such a young age. My favourite was the dance of the snowflakes, because I thought those ballerinas were so enchanting dancing completely in sync and in matching tutus. That scene is the archetypal ballet scene in my mind to this day. Watching this ballet changed me. I wanted to be the sugar plum fairy. I wanted to be Marie. I wanted to be a ballerina.

After my parents took me to see the show, I demanded to be put in ballet immediately and they bought me the Nutcracker soundtrack. I memorized every song and danced around my room spinning and leaping and fantasizing about the day I would be up there in my own beautiful costume with a handsome prince twirling me around the stage. This show is the reason why ballet is such an important part of my life today, and still gets me so excited every time I see it.

I haven't seen the National's Nutcracker in twenty years, so this is an overwhelming moment for me. Going back after all this time to the place where my obsession with dance started. Amber is taking me for my birthday so I can thank her for my twenty-year reunion. She has never seen it before (I know!) so she'll have to put up with me ignoring her through the show and shhhing her if she has questions. There is no talking during the Nutcracker!

I'll tell you how it goes.

Oooh oh oh uh-huh

1) I have an exam tomorrow, so the rule is I must be counter-productive and write a blog.

2) I can't decide whether drunkenness reveals mine and other people's true colours, or whether all the normal rules of politeness and morality should be discarded for the night.

3) I've made it my goal to come up with a list of my top five bands of all time. This is a difficult task because while everyone can enjoy many many artists, there are only a few that really affect us in a certain way. You know, the feeling that you're actually falling in love with the music and that your soul is saturated with every nuance in every song. That you can really relate to their sound in a way that almost changes your life, and every time you hear them you want to sing along at the top of your lungs. I have come up with four out of five: Radiohead, Led Zepplin, Muse and Phoenix. Here are some serious contenders for the fifth spot: John Mayer (also known as the future Mr. Emily), The Arcade Fire, Metric, Our Lady Peace, Incubus, Zero 7 or The Dears. All of whom are fantastic artists, but aren't quite there on the level of I-love-this-band-so-hard-in-my-soul-to-the-point-of-near-insanity.

4) Speaking of love, I can't get enough of Raymi. Check out this girl if you haven't already, she's a kick ass writer and her style is whatever falls out of her head, through her fingertips and onto the keyboard at the time, forget about grammar. I'm addicted, so luckily she posts every day so I can procrastinate even more than I already do. Also, she's hot and sometimes shows her tits.

To Whom it May Concern...

Dear Old Phone;

Sincerest regrets but after four years of faithful service I'm going to have to replace you. Your reception has been lacking lately, you weigh approximately five pounds and you have no call display, voicemail or other features I desperately need.



My new phone, who I lovingly call "baby," is way sexier than you. I'm already in lust and I know we'll have a long, happy relationship together. She actually fits in my purse and she vibrates... you've never once vibrated for me. I'm sorry, but it's just not working out. All the best,

-Miss. Emily

__________

Dear Grilled Cheese Sandwich;

I made you at 4:30am and you the the most delicious thing I've ever put in my mouth. I'm writing an exam in 4 hours and I've wasted precious study time making you, but I don't care! You taste like little pieces of heaven dipped in ketchup.

Love,

-Miss. Emily
__________

Dear John Mayer;

I'm not one to predict the future or anything, but we're going to get married and buy a big house in the country so our kids and run and play outside and learn music and become musical geniuses like their father. Just one thing though, I'm going to be the best wife ever so you'd better fucking be the best husband or else I'll divorce your ass so hard and take all your money. Looking forward to lots of sex with you in the future,

-Miss. Emily
__________

Dear Miss. Emily;

What the hell are you doing? Look at the time, you are writing two exams back-to-back and you have less than 4 hours now to learn four months worth of material, way to go. You suck. Stop writing this minute and continue to read that textbook sitting right under your nose. Good luck failing out of university tomorrow, oh wait! You already will so I don't actually need to wish you luck, ok good. I hate you right now.

All the best (you loser)

-Miss. Emily
__________

I am more than you think I am.

And more than I believe I am sometimes. Thinking and being are not exclusive, and you helped show me that. We are alike in that respect, which you never knew. We are thinkers. That's why this is so easy for me. This feels good, and I'm happy.

Hope (noun, verb): 1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best, 2. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

I've decided that this is what has tripled my happiness in the past little while. Waterloo is only a temporary holding cell for my life while I finish my degree, and that has given me so much hope about the possibilities I have. My life could take any twist or turn after this, and I know I wont see it coming but that just gives me increased anticipation and impatience for what's coming next. I was in a rut and I guess it was because I had no clear line about the future. Everything was a bit hopeless and hazy but I can see the metamorphosis of my life coming and that exhilarates me!

Sometimes without hope, you have nothing. But sometimes with it, you have everything.

Juiced Lemon

I'm surprised at myself for wanting to leave here so badly. But I can see the end of this part of my life coming soon (four months from now) and I can't wait for what comes next. I'm excited for change this time. I'm done with Waterloo and with Laurier and with being a student. I've squeezed all the juice out of this lemon.

Maybe I'm just in a bad place with school right now, but I don't think I'll miss it as much as I should... or think I should. I believe that whatever happens after this will be just as or more fulfilling and I'll continue to learn and grow, just in a different environment. I need a change of scenery pretty badly.

If I knew I was going to die in real life, I promise wouldn't tell you in an e-mail

I should make my strange and far-from-normal dreams a regular feature post because I have so freaking many of them.

I dreamt last night that I kept having these erratic twitches that would shake my entire body, and they gradually were happening more and more frequently. I also was having problems concentrating in lecture (which isn't far from normal) so I decided something was wrong with me and went for a CAT scan. They told me I had brain cancer and only a few months to live, so I sent an e-mail to all my friends saying I was gonna die and if they wanted to say goodbye to me they could. I also got Chemo and lost all my hair so I turned into one of those cool bald chicks who wears hats. And then I inspired everyone by always saying things like, "Live each moment to the fullest," and "Love often and with all your heart" because I felt like I wasted my life. Then the best part of my dream was when I told my roommates that the one thing in life I really wanted was to fall in love and be proposed to and that never happened. So because they are the best roommates ever they all pooled their money and bought me an engagement ring. It was a nice one too, platinum with a princess-cut diamond. They all proposed to me with it, it was the sweetest thing. I guess when someones about to die, people stop caring about money, but I told them they could sell the ring after I died and get their money back if they wanted.

This dream was more vivid than the turtle one. My grandfather, my great-uncle and my great-great-uncle all died from brain cancer, so it's in my family and I had to go through the whole treatment process and everything in my dream. Don't even ask if I looked up the meaning of cancer in a dream dictionary because you know I am the most rational person and would never ever think of doing that:

To dream that you have cancer, denotes hopelessness, grief, self-pity, and unforgiveness. You feel you are wasting your life away. This dream also represents areas in your life which are bothering you, disturbing you, and hurting you in some emotional way.

Firstly, is "unforgiveness" even a word? Are these people making up words now? Secondly, I guess lately I've not been living my life the way I want to be and I feel that it's wasting away sometimes. And as for self-pity? A big YES there, and also to the part about certain areas of my life hurting me in an emotional way. Not that any of this is true of course. Good thing dream interpretation isn't a real thing! Why can't my dreams ever mean things like:

You'll win the lottery for seventy-trillion dollars and marry the most handsome man in the world who will be faithful to you until you both die in each other's arms of old age in your sleep.

Tangled in your sheets and my thoughts. Tangled hair and twisted hands, pull the day away with one sweeping motion. Billowing like sails, they help us float away.

I'm in League with the Foe

This term has gone by too fast for a girl who doesn't know what the shit is supposed to happen after all this.
__________

I'm 22 now. The three day birthday extravaganza is over and now I can start settling into my new age. Twenty-two will be different. I'm ready for 22.
__________

I didn't think making such a decision would be so easy. I didn't know that I knew what needed to be done, and more importantly I didn't think I'd have the strength to do it. But I am stronger than I thought which makes this easier and I'm almost happy with the whole thing. I wouldn't go back if I could. I have my strength back along with my hope for something better. I had lost some hope for awhile, but I'm a strong girl. A resilient girl. I am happier now, and back to hoping and looking for love.
__________

"I can tell from your hair and your confidence."
"From just that you can tell I'm in psychology?"
"Confident people have the ability to look into themselves, find flaws and reasons for those flaws objectively without losing faith in themselves or mankind. Insecure people can't do that."
"What about my hair?"
"Oh, you just have nice hair."
__________

They say an end can be a start.
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive.
It's like a bad day that never ends; I feel the chaos around me.
A thing I don't try to deny, I'd better learn to accept that there are things in my life that I can't control.
They say love ain't nothing but a sore, I don't even know what love is.
Too many tears have had to fall, don't you know I'm so tired of it all.
I have known terror dizzy spells. Finding out the secrets words won't tell, whatever it is it can't be named; There's a part of my world that' s fading away.
You know I don't want to be clever, to be brilliant or superior.
True like ice, true like fire, now I know that a breeze can blow me away.
Now I know there's much more dignity in defeat than in the brightest victory.
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope, tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you. You can give me your number, when it's all over I'll let you know.

Hang on to the good days, I can lean on my friends. They help me going through hard times.
But I'm feeding the enemy; I'm in league with the foe.
Blame me for what's happening, I can't try, I can't try, I can't try...
No one knows the hard times I went through. If happiness came I missed the call.
The stormy days ain't over, I've tried and lost now I think that I pay the cost.
Now I've watched all my castles fall, they were made of dust, after all.
Someday all this mess will make me laugh, I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait...

If I ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you. You can give me your number, when it's all over I'll let you know.

It's like somebody took my place, I ain't even playing my own game. The rules have changed well I didn't know.
There are things in my life I can't control. I feel the chaos around me, a thing I don't try to deny.
I'd better learn to accept that there's a part of my life that will go away.
Dark is the night, cold is the ground, in the circular solitude of my heart.
As one who strives a hill to climb, I am sure I'll come through I don't know how.
They say an end can be a start. Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive. I'm losing my balance on the tight rope, tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

Phoenix, "If I Ever Feel Better."
__________

I'm Feeding the Enemy

1) Wow, I can't believe how amazing Phoenix is. I've been downloading a crap-load of new music lately including the latter and We Are Scientists, Marc Andre, Wolf Parade and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. All quality.

2) I wish I was cooler. Like an indie chick or something who wears hightops and has a weird hairdo but it suits her. Weird hairdos do not suit me, I'd look like a poser. But maybe I'd start out as a poser and then I'd become indie just from acting like it for so long. I'll try it. No more shopping at the mall.

3) Only two more weeks of school to go, but pretty much it's the whole semester of school condensed into these two weeks because I suck at doing work when I'm supposed to.

4) I've made a resolution to change. I will wait for no one. Life is too short to wait for shit to happen. Everyone's working out their own shit at their own pace, and that's fine but I'm not going to wait for people to get it together when I'm ready to move on. I'm like the hare racing past the tortoise. Maybe slow and steady is your way, but it's not for me suckaaaas!

5) One week until my birthday. Pretty soon I'll be too old to enjoy getting older. Twenty-two, holy crap.

Your indifference strikes a familiar chord. Show me this time is different, like you said it would be. Show me.

This is the last time. Please give a shit.

I am SO Rational

Ok, so I'm in psychology which means I should be able to distinguish true psychologies from pseudo-psychologies like for example, astrology or those dumb-ass personality tests they have all over the internet that end up telling you nice things about yourself so you say, "Oh! That stuff is all true! I'm a cool person, and this personality test is so freaky and right!" However, the catch is that even though I can spot that pseudo-psychology shit from a mile away, I use it anyways. I take those personality tests all the time and I check my horoscope even though I know it wont make a difference anyways.

So I had the most vivid dream last night where I had some broccoli in the fridge that I forgot about for a couple weeks, but I decided I'd eat it anyways. So it was all slimy and stuff, and I was chopping it and I look down and it was covered in baby turtles. There were at least fifty of these teeny-tiny turtles crawling all over the counter and in the broccoli and they were under my shirt too, crawling around. It turns out a turtle had somehow laid it's eggs inside my broccoli and they had hatched while it was rotting in the fridge. So this dream had me so worked up and I wanted to remember it so in the middle of the night I got up and wrote "turtles" on my white board in big, sleepy letters.

Being the bright, young psychology student that I am, I don't believe that dreams have any profound meaning. I don't think they represent your repressed thoughts surfacing or your underlying desires rising up from your unconscious. In fact, I believe they are random combinations of neurons firing during REM sleep and often times we dream about things that happened that day or that week simply because those are the newest neuron connections in your brain. I actually do have broccoli in the fridge that will go bad very soon, so I had a "rotting broccoli" neural connection firing in my dream last night. Because I am so sensible and scientific and rational, I obviously did not look up the meaning of turtles in a dream dictionary:

To see turtles in your dream, suggests that you will make slow but steady progress. You need to slow down and pace yourself. Alternatively, it indicates that you are sheltering yourself from the realities of life.

This analysis is so general, it could apply to anyone's life. That's the beauty of this sort of thing. The people who write these interpretations make them seem specific but really if anyone thought hard enough they would think, "Oh, they're right I should slow down and pace myself in my life. I need to face reality." Good thing I'm rational and can see through the veil of this pseudo-psychoanalysis!

Next post: How I shelter myself from the realities in my life.

I've Been Meaning to Tell You...

So a couple thoughts have been running through my jumble-y, indecisive brain lately...

1) I've "decided" what to "do" with my "life" recently. And that is...
- Finish the last half credit of my degree this summer,
- Work from April to December doing whatever,
- Apply to Graduate programs within that time (still don't know what for),
- Have my convocation next November 2007,
- Take the following few months to travel (or work, depending how poor I am),
- Start Grad school September, 2008.
I haven't told my parents or really anyone but you, but I'm happy with the slow pace of the whole thing. I need some time because I consider whatever it is that's happening after undergrad to be pretty serious business. Whatever it is I decide to do in Graduate school is pretty much determining my career, so I figure what's the rush? I can really sift through my options this way and take my time in deciding what I really want to do.

2) I started calorie counting recently. I found a website that automatically calculates how many calories you take in daily, after you type in what you've eaten. I did this because I want to loose some flab before I head to Cuba in February. But lately this little website is becoming an obsession. I think about food all the time and what I can and cannot eat. I no longer eat when I'm hungry, but when it's meal time. I no longer eat what I want, but what I think I should. I'm turning into one of those annoying girls that starves herself and then binges and constantly obsesses about her food. That is NOT me. I like my body, even my flab. I don't want to be perfect and I hate perfect people. They're not unique. I am no cliche! Rage against the machine! I deleted my website account today. Back to eating healthy and exercising when I want to, and not feeling guilty about every cookie that passes my lips!

3) My birthday is coming up! And just so you know, I like presents.

4) Are all men confusing, or just the ones I like? And do men think we're equally confusing? Is everyone just confused all the time? They should call it "perpetual perplexity" instead of a "relationship." Someone please explain it to me.

5) I'm getting a tattoo. I know what and where, but not when. I'll post pictures once I've grown the balls to go.

6) Ski season is approaching! Yet another reason to get in shape. This year I will make the effort to go (even though I say that every year.)

7) I miss you all and love you.

Not Ready

I sat at my desk with my coffee and my slippers and my textbook reading yesterday. It was snowing outside my window and warm inside my sweater. This was the first time I've really felt like a student and that I deserve to be here. Like I was actually earning my degree in that moment, and every other moment I was just faking it. I'm almost done, and haven't felt real once. Except for yesterday, that was real.

I go to class regularly this year. I didn't last year, or the year before. Why? I'm leaving. I like my courses. Less pressure. All of these things together, and I'm finally feeling good about my education. But I have to leave next year. I'm leaving next year.

I want to do it again. I do have regrets about my education, and I would do it differently if I could. I'd work harder. It's so easy to take something like this for granted, and now that I'm almost twenty-two I can fathom the value of this degree. Not just physical value, but personal value in my own growth and development. I didn't take as much as I could have from this experience and it makes me sad. I love learning new things, but I didn't learn enough here. I'm not satiated yet. There are too many things I don't know. I'm not ready to leave yet.

And I'll fill your heart with the joy in my own. Don't worry brother, we'll float on alright together.

Why do I bother? Because it's in my nature to give the benefit of the doubt and I'm curious. Curious to see if everything will resolve itself and people will learn from their mistakes. Often they don't. We're not as smart as we think we are.

Because I like you. More than you like me, and that used to be enough but I'm not so sure anymore. Moving around in circles gets us nowhere, and I'm getting dizzy.

I've lost my rhythm. I can't hear the down beat in my own song.

"You followed your heart. You shouldn't feel shame in that."

Yet each day that goes by it gets worse and I get more and more frustrated that I am a silly girl. Just a silly girl who can't resist a charming word or two and a kiss. Following my heart is what hurts me, but I have a big heart and I love with all of it. A hopeful romantic at the best of times and a scorned lover at the worst.

I am looking for love, always. And yes, it will be worth all this trouble.

I don't cry for myself anymore, only for others. I don't know if this is good or bad.

Merci Beaucoup

In the spirit of the holiday I will do as Canadians do at this time of the year and recognize all the things I should be thankful for on a regular basis. Of course, a lot of the things on my list tend to be neglected as far as thanks go, but that's what this holiday is for. The recognition that I'm a selfish jerk. Right?

1) My mom. She's the shit. She's always the first person I call when I'm stressed or upset, so she's also the one person who has to bear the weight of my bad moods and rantings. And no matter how many times I swear at her, snap at her and tell her the most horrible things I've done, she still sticks around. I thought she'd have disowned me by now, but that's unconditional love for ya. It never ever goes away and as long as we're both alive, we'll have each other.

2) My mom's cooking. I have only three words; green bean casserole.

3) My roommates. Although we're all diverse and each trying to find our own way through University and life, we work. Like a well-oiled machine. No one can deny the chemistry we have living together in our warm, snuggled apartment, and even though we've had our differences there's some peace knowing that we all love each other.

4) My dog. She's not going to be around much longer, but we're buds and I love every minute I get to spend with her.

5) My bronze Sketchers. I adore you.

6) My education. I think it's safe to say I slack off quite a bit, but I find my field of study fascinating and I'm grateful that I've found something I love and could do forever.

7) My mind. I still have a lot to learn and I'm glad I can acknowledge that fact. Life is a process, and everyday I acquire new knowledge and become a better person. I'm open-minded and and very appreciative for that.

8) My health. I am so very lucky in this department. No glasses, braces, broken bones, illnesses or deficits of any kind to date (knock on wood.) Just watch, tomorrow I'll end up falling down the stairs and breaking my face.

Thanksgiving may be my favourite holiday. No obligations about gifts and deadlines. Do I buy for friend A and not friend B? No stress. No dress up. Just family and food. Reflecting on the fact that we're lucky to have each other and a hot plate of delicious turkey, mashed potatoes and of course, green bean casserole.

This wall is the only thing keeping me vertical and I press against it hard. Emotional symptoms manifesting as physical ones; I've read about this a million times.

Sometimes I feel like a two-year-old when I don't get my way, stamping my little feet and throwing a temper tantrum. The two-year-old inside my head just wants to scream and cry and thrash around until someone gives me what I want. Why does this have to be so hard?

Every day that goes by I get dizzier. Every day the room spins faster and faster and I clench my teeth harder. Waiting waiting waiting, I don't want to do this again. Patience is not a virtue I possess, but you'll never know it. I will wait. And wait and wait. I'll remain quiet on the outside and make you believe I have grace and poise and sweetness in my bones, but my insides are spinning spinning spinning.

No. You'll never know the war that goes on inside my head. I'll make sure of that.

No More Gaps

1) The apartment is back to its homeostasis, hoorah! I was really worried there for awhile, but I guess when the five of us are apart things just turn to shit. You need all five roomies to create the perfect equation. Things are good again, and the ora of the house is a much perkier shade these days.

2) The Dears are one of those extremely talented bands that are depressingly underrated. I know there are a million bands trying to make it, blah blah blah, but you can tell these musicians have put in the time and are still not appreciated they way they should be. I saw them live in Toronto this week and they have such chemistry together. They have a new kick ass album, check it out and help Canadian talent get the recognition it deserves.

3) Dear New Bronze Sketchers; I love you more than my other shoes, but don't tell. Love, Miss Emily.

4) I find it interesting how you can have an impression of someone for so long, and suddenly notice it's changed. Like one day you look at them with a completely different perspective and are witnessing your own opinions morph.

5) Why does September mean change? How is it so different from all the other months? Everything is changing and I'm just sitting still watching it spin around my head. It feels like I'm the only consistent thing in my life right now, which is not normal. I'm consistently inconsistent.

6) God made a huge mistake when he decided eating would be simpler and more pleasurable than working out. "But working out IS pleasurable!" you say? You're all liars. It hurts, especially when you're out of shape like soft ol' me. Running around the block is a lot less pleasurable than, say, eating ice cream with hot fudge and peanuts... and smarties. And maybe whipped cream on top if I went to the gym that day.

Let's steal away for awhile. Just long enough to remember how we got to this place. Remind me why I love you so I can let go of whatever it is that has driven a wedge between us.

One Boot Short

And fall is here with it's clean, cold smell of dead leaves and new beginnings. I still feel so attached to the summer and to my trip, like it's a mudpuddle I stepped out of too quickly. I'm still running but one boot short. A constant reminder of where I want to be. A part of me was left behind.

Fall means settling into routines, and looking ahead. No more living in the moment, because everything happens tomorrow, or the next day. Deadlines move fast and the days move slow, leaving me tired and weary.

I miss the moments. The minutes that make all this worth the effort. The stars, the hands, the kisses and the kindness. Where did the moments go? They disappeared with the warm weather. In the fall we just fill our time with routine and monotony. Pass the time. Pass the time.

Pass the time.

I've returned home with brown skin and a fresh perspective.

Having such a large number of amazing experiences in such a short period of time changes a person. I feel different now. Especially when I first got back from my trip, I realized that the lens through which I viewed the world had changed. Everything seems a bit more focused now, everything is a bit clearer. Both the good and bad things, but I suppose a clear line of sight is beneficial either way.

Now that I'm back, I am forced to complete the last year of my undergrad. This raises a number of issues;

1) I don't know where my life is going.

2) I don't know where I want my life to go.

In eight months I will be a twenty-two year old university graduate, an adult. Shouldn't a person have at least some idea about where they want to be in eight months? I'm too overwhelmed with the very idea of graduation to even start researching grad schools, and even if I wanted to I wouldn't know where to begin. I haven't a clue what I want to study. A number of things have crossed my mind including (but not limited to) law school, getting a masters, sex therapy, clinical psychology, child psychology and bus driving (considering I have the most experience with that last one from the safari, it seems the most viable at this point.) Even sitting here writing this I'm biting my nails and getting more and more frustrated at the very thought of having to make up my mind on the matter.

Grrr.

The moral of the story folks, is this: Things have never been so clear and so fuzzy simultaneously. Which leaves me in a very confusing place. I've grown from my trip but am still waiting to become a grown up.

The metamorphosis of me and my need for disparity.

Take me back to this place.

Where everyone speaks my language using different words.

Twenty-Two Days

In the bustle and hum and velocity of three weeks, there is some peace. The peace in enjoying places for the sake of enjoyment. Feeling a sense of community with people you barely know. Never have I met so many people. Never have I felt so welcomed and warmed by strangers. Diverse, intelligent and open-minded people. Warm people and warm places.

Enjoyment for it's own sake. We're all here for the same reasons.
__________

In the garden at night we sit and I can see the shimmer in his eyes by the moon. He pulls his chair up to mine and studies me for a minute. "Tell me everything," he says. I wish I could. I wish there was such a thing as knowing without telling. Words are barriers. Adjectives and nouns and verbs aren't enough, especially since introspection occurs without words getting in the way. We're all more than anyone else thinks we are.

"Where should I start?" My heart is smiling. We are connected despite oceans and miles and miles of earth. There is so much more to say and do. Time is a gift that doesn't last.
__________

In the moment for once. The moon is full and the tide washes over us as we forget the world back home. Nevermind the restrictions and mores and conventions of our previous lives. I am naked in the open air, smiling up at the black sky with nothing to lose but inhibitions. Our history doesn't matter in this place they call Paradise.
__________

I can't tell whether I've changed or everyone else has stayed the same. People are secure in their monotony because it is safe. Security blankets wrapped tightly around frightened masses. Safety is over-rated. Were they like this before?

More importantly, was I like this before? Change is linear.
__________

"It's an English name."
"A very posh one. High class. You'd own a ranch and a yacht if you lived in England. And a summer home with a servant or two."
"Do you own a ranch?"
"No. I don't even like the dressing."

A nap on the beach, a handful of kisses and I miss you. If I could find a way to drive my car across the Atlantic I'd be set.

Europe Trip

Welcome to the longest and most well-planned trip you have ever witnessed. Twenty-two days, ten trains, nine hostels, four ferries, and three flights. Refer to the map if you get confused. I know I will.

Amsterdam. Our starting point. This should be an easy one considering our hostel is a five minute walk from the train station. The hostel includes free walking tours and they have a "happy room." For the slow kids in the back, that means you go there to get high. Apparently we're also going to see naked prostitutes in the red light district. I'll be sure to update you on that one.

Paris. We're taking the train right into Montmartre where our hostel is situated. It's pretty close to Moulin Rouge and Sacre Coeur but we'll probably need to take public transit to the Eiffel and Notre Dame.

Nice. We're taking a night train for this one, because it's a twelve hour trip. I'm pretty excited about this hostel. It's a bus ride away from the city, but it's beautiful. It was once an old monastery and is sitting right on top of a cliff over-looking the city and the Mediterranean. We'll be taking a day trip into Monaco on our second day here.

Venice. I'm more than excited for this city. Our hostel is right in the centre of the city and they also offer complementary tours. This is where I'll meet Paolo and we'll take a romantic gondola ride together.

Florence. The night life in Florence is unreal, and we will be living it up, for sure. Our hostel is in a great location for stumbling home drunk from the bar late at night.

Rome. I've been to Rome before and it was my favourite city in Italy. The history is unreal, you have to see it for yourself to really comprehend. We're obviously seeing the Colosseum, the Spanish steps and the Pantheon among others. The last time I was there I burst out crying because I was so moved. Our hostel was built just three years ago and it's right downtown. Check out the pictures, it looks gorgeous.

Ancona to Patras. We're taking an over-night ferry across the Adriatic Sea in order to reach Greece. It's over twelve hours in the Ferry, and we don't have sleeping accommodations. We have a wooden seat. Outside. I'll bet any money there will be thunderstorms that day.

Athens. I'm slightly scared of Greece because I don't know a single word of Greek. Not one. But I am really excited about seeing the Parthenon. Our hostel looks ok, nothing special. It's near a lot of the main historic sites, but availability and variety of hostels was really limited.

Mykonos. I'm not one to pick favourites, but I have to say that I'm pretty excited about this Greek island. It looks incredible and apparently the night life is insane. I'm also the most excited for our hostel here. We're staying in tents right on the beach where we can stumble in drunk at night and stumble out hung over the next day with no effort. We'll definitely be beaching our whole time here.

Santorini. This is apparently one of the most beautiful places on earth and in fact it was rated the number one place to go in Europe. This whole island is an old volcano, and they're famous for their black sand beaches and sunsets. Our hostel is five steps away from Perrissa beach which is the most famous black sand beach on the whole island.

There it is peeps. Feel free to leave jealous remarks or anecdotes in the comments section. I hope to be able to write while I'm there, but I am making no promises. We'll be super busy the whole time trying to fit everything in that I doubt I'll be hearing from any of you until I get back (August 31st.) Have a good summer my fuzzy ducks!! Don't miss me too much.

A Broken Shoelace Can Say A Lot About Life

1) My last day ever at work was celebrated by thunderstorms and breaking the shoelace on my safari boot. I took it as a sign that I chose the right day to quit.

2) My heart is on edge. I can't decide if it's because I'm leaving for Europe very soon or because I want some sex. I'll get back to you on that one.

3) Hospitals are less intimidating when you're healthy.

4) People are less intimidating when they're naked.

5) Question of the day asked by an eight year old girl, "Does this boat have a capacity plate? What is it's horsepower?" Uhh...

6) Elizabeth Taylor has taken to chewing holes through her water bottle. We've gone through four in the last three weeks. Either she is trying to commit suicide or is deliberately trying to piss me off.

7) My goal for the next post is:
a) for it to actually have some substance, and
b) for it to outline our trip in detail. Including links. It'll rock your socks.

Just Another Day

1 city-wide power outage. 0 electric fences. 10 hungry lions. 2 ambulance calls. 1,500 angry customers. 45 degrees.

Just another day on the job.

He always finds something positive to say in a less than perfect situation. I'm on the outside looking in and still the depth of his eyes intimidates me. The further I look into them, the deeper they go.

But I still can't shake you. I miss kissing the lips that make no promises.

Ode to the Safari

Yes, so after spending quite some time deliberating I decided to dedicate this Ode to the Safari and not to any of you who left me comments here. Why? Because I said I wanted "ass kissing", people! There was not one solid attempt at flattery or brown-nosing that would warrant an entire blog dedicated to you. I need more effort next time, and I'm very disappointed in you. All of you.

I've been working a la Safari since May (minus a month hiatus thanks to the mono) and I only have two weeks left which is why I've decided it deserves an Ode. My job consists of driving a bus, boat and train, giving tours, watching the animals have sex and cleaning baboon poop off the buses. Now I know many of you are thinking, "How glamorous!" But this job isn't all poop cleaning. There are many pros and cons about working a la Safari that I have outlined for you below:

Pros:
1) I get to see the animals every day.
2) I get to see the rhino penis every day.

Cons:
1) It took over a month to train for this job. Learning to drive a bus is a long process.
2) I've had to learn how to speak when I can't hear my own voice over screaming children.
3) I've had to memorize over 40 pages of script about animals. Long nights of studying for my job.
4) It's a 40 minute commute every day.
5) My uniform is an ugly piece of crap, and I've started to develop sock/shorts/farmers tans.
6) I make $9 an hour.
7) Sometimes I don't get a lunch because of the way the bus schedule works. Is that legal?
8) Refer to "baboon poop", above.
9) The most frightening moment of my life happened just last week when I thought I was going to get punched in the face by a customer who couldn't fit his family on the bus. He raised his fist up to my chin and said through clenched teeth, "You fucking white people! Fucking white service is a piece of shit." Good times.
10) The Safari is an idiot magnet. I've seen people get out of their cars in the lion reserve. Lions! Fucking wild, carnivorous, 400 pounds of pure muscle, will eat you if they get a chance, lions! Although if I did watch those people get eaten, at least it would add another point to my "pros" list.

There you have it folks, the truth about the Safari. Soon I'll be permanently hanging up my beige uniform from hell and moving on to better things. (Better things being Europe for three weeks with my Amber!) Ciao for now my fuzzy ducks!

Reciprocity

You can hurt the people you love without knowing it, and some of them will hurt you right back. Unanticipated reciprocity.
__________

I fell asleep on the grass outside my apartment for just a second, and it made me realize: I feel safe. Safe enough to sleep outside and alone in the dark. Safe and confident in my own skin. Safe but lonely.

I don't like feeling vulnerable. In fact, I'll take great measures to appear strong, confident and unscathed in difficult situations. Even if I'm screaming and suffocating on the inside, I wont let anyone know I'm distressed. I wont tell people how I really feel if there's any sort of risk involved. I am guarded and defensive and all I really want is for someone to help me break down all my walls and force me to face my fear of getting hurt. I'm safe inside these walls but the problem is, if you don't risk, you wont gain. I'm alone. Consistently and cyclically alone.
__________

Thanks for putting the icing on my cake. The road to hell is paved in your good intentions.

I am lost. Come find me.

"You're very introspective, aren't you?"
"I suppose. Is that a bad thing?"
"No. I wish I knew myself as well as you do."

I love his skin next to my skin, both sunkissed and warm. My eyes shine green in the sun, and flash when I look into his.

"Tell me a story."
"I met this girl once. We hit it off right away and then I proposed, but she thought it was just a joke. That was the day my heart died."
"Tell me a true story."
"I like you."

And I like him. The beginning is always the best part, discovering each other and trying to fit the pieces together. I'm scared, but I like it.

"Can I tell you a secret?"
"Of course."
"Sometimes I keeps secrets that I shouldn't. I'm overly secretive."
"Well I'm underly secretive, so we'll get along great."

A hopeful girl and a courageous boy. Is there anything better?

This is my 100th Post. Celebrate, Bitches.

Sometimes I feel guilty for being happy. Not because I don't think I deserve it, but because of the state of the world. How can I just sit here in my happy, safe, little Canadian bubble while the world turns to shit? It is the responsibility of the fortunate to help the unfortunate, so why are we sitting on our fat asses, getting fatter and doing nothing? We're totally ignoring that people are being murdered because of their religion/race/country of origin, that half the population of Africa will die of AIDS, and that Bushie-pants is reeking havoc everywhere he goes. Maybe we're not ignoring it all, but we're not doing anything significant about it. Are you personally doing something other than raising awareness?

Me neither.

I am a passionate person, and the state of the world right now gets me all worked up and huffy. This is mostly because I feel helpless. I feel like I'm behind a 6 inch thick, Plexiglas wall and no matter how hard I yell, scream and try to break through the glass I wont even make a scratch. After a while I just get frustrated, and give up. Learned helplessness, it's called. I've learned that getting angry just gets me angry; it doesn't get me through the wall.

So what am I left with? Feeling guilty. Wanting to be happy conflicts with the learned helplessness effect and leaves me with the guilt of knowing I'm happy while the rest of the world is not.

But really, what can we do? We're humans, we're selfish, we want to stay in our comfortable, soft and plushy existence. The rest of the world is oh so far away, and it's pretty easy to forget about. Is it really in our nature to remove ourselves from comfort in order to help others? I'd like to think yes. We'll help our neighbours, friends and family but we really aren't global thinkers yet. A global family. And we are the rich, fat Uncle who hoards his money while he watches his family starve in the street.

Absolument Rien

1) The rhinos were boning today, woo hoo! The safari has had them for eight years and no babies yet. Apparently it's hard to mate rhinos because the female has a weird reproductive cycle or something, but they were mounting today. Mack's boner is so huge, it looks like a fifth leg.

2) I've unconsciously conditioned myself to puke at just the smell of McDonalds, it disgusts me that much. I can't even go into a McD's anymore.

3) I've been walking a lot lately. Nothing can clear my head like a nice long walk through the park.

4) I had a date the other night, and I haven't had so much fun in a long time. We had dinner and didn't even realize the restaurant was closing around us as we were sitting there laughing and talking. Sometimes you just need to be reminded that there are still people out there you can connect with.

5) My favourite food changes every week. This week it's nectarines, mmmmm.

6) At a job where you're talking constantly and all day there are bound to be some verbal slip-ups. Today's top safari slip-up: Apparently giraffe are the fastest animals on earth and have a calf once every 25 years. Oops.

7) I want to write another Ode soon, and I can't choose who I wanna dedicate it to. Think you're good enough?? Send me a comment with an explanation as to why you deserve a post in your honour (and some ass kissing wouldn't hurt either.)

Passion

I am a romantic. Not hopeless, but hopeful. It's taken me up until now to realize that not everyone is looking for love and not everyone hopes they'll be swept off their feet one day.

A hopeful romantic sees beauty in the mundane. There are so many lovely things around us that sometimes it's almost too overwhelming. Most people don't know how to pause and take it all in. Everyone is so focused on the big things that no one takes notice of the little things anymore.

A hopeful romantic has confidence. Even through adversity, hard times and heartbreak, there is still that reassuring voice inside saying it will all work out in the end. There is a reason for everything and everyday that passes gets us closer to whatever it is we're living for. One day we'll look back on everything and say, "Ah, it all makes sense now."

A hopeful romantic aspires. There is so much to learn and see. We want to become better people and explore what the earth has to offer.

I am a romantic. I love looking at the stars, I like holding hands with my friends in the park, I smile at strangers, I cry at old movies and I take long walks through unexplored pieces of the world by myself. Some people call it hopeless romance. I call it passion.

And I do still hope to be swept off my feet one day.

Just hold it in, she always says. Just bite your tongue and don't think about what you could be losing.

The future looks a bit hazy these days.

Miss.Emily Will be your Captain on the Bitter Bus Today

Consider yourselves warned.

1) Boys are pricks. Apparently all the jerking off they do isn't enough, they still need to try to stick it in you every chance they get. Fuckers.

2) My mom just had her gall bladder removed. She's delirious and nauseous from all the drugs, and it makes me depressed to see her that way.

3) I ran for 90 minutes yesterday, and sat to watch the sunset. I was enjoying myself until I looked to my left and right and realized I was surrounded by couples holding hands. So I made myself vomit and proceeded to the nearest strip club for a lap dance from the dirtiest whore I could find.

4) I know I'm going to cry in a little bit. I can feel it creeping up behind my eyes, and in the way my mind is ridden with negativity. I'm working myself up for a good one, I can feel it.

5) I love watching the monkeys have sex because it reminds me of when I go to the bar. First, after looking at the female's swollen, round ass, the male gets a huge boner. Then he spends the next little while chasing her around trying to stick it in. Finally she gets tired and he goes at it for five seconds or so and it's over. Sound familiar?

6) Here's your secret code: I don't want us doing that again. Don't be mad.

Am I Suddenly Hot?

Have I been looking more attractive lately? Have my breasts grown in the past little while? Am I doing something different with my hair?

The answer to all these questions is in fact, no. Regardless, I seem to be attracting the opposite sex quite a bit more than usual. I've never been asked out on an actual, real-live date before last week, and since then I've been asked out on two more real-live dates. [Note: "hanging out" does not constitute a date. Neither does making out somewhere, going to the bar or renting a movie (which is code for making out.)] I was kissed by a very nice-looking boy recently and that's not including the awkward mono non-kiss incident by an entirely different nice-looking boy.

What is happening? I do not know and I do not mind in the slightest. I'll just enjoy it while I can. Who knows how long this will last until all these boys gain their sanity again.

On a more important note, yes I finally get to kiss again after the long month or so of being mono-ridden. I am an extremely deprived woman, so take advantage of me while you can.

Thank you for giving me what I wanted and for helping me realize I don't need it after all. Thank you for reminding me that I still have the ability to surprise myself without changing anything about myself. Thank you for not making me feel obligated to return the favour. I would have anyways. Thanks for being so accommodating and so simple.

I'd forgotten that things really can be this effortless.

Eff.

1) I'm trying to create a dance post, but I can't seem to get it right. I'm way too much of an effing perfectionist when it comes to that stuff. I don't like any of the pictures of myself enough to post them, and I've probably posted 5 or 6 separate times and then removed everything because I'm not happy. It's pissing me off. Bleh!

2) Funny story of the week: A cute boy tried to kiss me until I blurted out "I have mono!" mid-lean. Nice, eh? I bet he thinks I was using it as an excuse because I didn't like him, but the funny thing is I told him because I liked him. Silly me.

3) A giraffe was licking the bus yesterday! I got so excited we were 8 minutes late for the next bus run and all hell broke loose.

4) It was my dad's birthday yesterday and I asked him what he wanted. He told me I already got him his present because he was watching home videos and got to see me experience Christmas morning for the first time all over again. Oh, the old man is getting so sentimental in his old age! When I left for university he couldn't wait to boot me out the door. What the hell happened?!

5) We live in a sex house, I swear. Only, I'm not having any sex. Maybe I'm the roommate who watches porn all the time and doesn't actually get any (ya, that sounds right.) But it'll all change now that the mono is almost gone, yee haw!

6) Ciao for now my fuzzy ducks.

The wheatgrass ripples in the wind like a pond. I revel in the fact that I'm the only one who notices and I listen carefully and squint as the sun peeks in and out of the clouds.

I collect places. One is nicely hidden off a trail in the city. A big tree by a river that is easy to climb, and a rock to sit on in the shade. In a place like this, you are unnoticed and unassuming. Just a part of the scenery. I am alone here as the world walks by.

Stand in the rain on purpose and wash clean the dirt of the city from your skin.

Ode to Sam

Can you see the family resemblance?

Yes we are related, this is my baby brother Sam. He's only 19, but already his story is an amazing one. I don't even think he knows it, or maybe he's just too modest to admit it. Even if he were to read this ode he'd just shrug his shoulders and say "so what?" That's just Sam.

Sam was born with autism. For those of you who don't know, autism is a developmental disability that impacts normal development of the brain in the areas of social interaction and communication skills. The thing that makes autism so difficult to treat and even diagnose is that every person with this disability is different. There are a range of symptoms from extreme to manageable and they differ depending on each person. Sam didn't start speaking until later than most children. He didn't like to be touched, he couldn't handle loud noises and had difficulty with communication. He wasn't diagnosed with autism until he was 10 years old because of the uniqueness of his symptoms and because he is considered very high functioning. In other words, you would never know he had a disability unless you knew him very well. Because he wasn't diagnosed until such a late age, he was not treated the way he should have been for the first 10 years of his life. Finally getting a diagnosis was like a heavy weight being lifted off the family's shoulders. We could finally help him.

Sam was teased as a child. The other kids didn't understand him, because he looked like a normal kid but had strange mannerisms. He would come home so angry and upset because of the cruel things the kids said to him. And you would not believe some of the things these kids said. Being the protective older sister, I threatened to kick some of their asses on more than one occasion if they ever talked to Sam again. Of course, I didn't realize that would make things worse.

Even I had problems understanding Sam. I was not nice to him. I didn't have the patience when I was young to deal with him sometimes and I would yell and say things I shouldn't have. I regret it all now, but when you're young and dealing with your own problems it's hard to relate to someone as complex as Sam.

Finally when he turned 16 a program opened up at the public high school especially for students with autism. It was so extremely successful, we saw a change in him after just a couple weeks. He was making new friends, he was more talkative, more calm in school and getting better grades. Now 3 years and still in the program, he is barely the same person. Sam is one of the most popular boys at school. All the younger kids look up to him and see him as a role model. He plays the bass guitar and the drums, he takes hip-hop and tap dance classes and wants to start ballet next year. He publicly condones smoking and drinking, and even on his 19th birthday when I offered to drive him to the liquor store he wasn't interested. Everyone sees Sam as someone who knows himself, who is moral to the core, who is open to trying new things and who wants to be social all the time. Every spare minute he has he wants to spend with his friends, playing basketball or jamming on his guitar. I can't even express to you how proud I am of him.

Not only has he developed better social skills, but he's almost fully developed a sense of self. He knows what he likes, he has a well-developed taste in music and a extremely sarcastic sense of humour. Which, I might add, is difficult for most people with autism. Humour is a very complex social skill that Sam has completely mastered. One word out of him can leave me in stitches on the floor, and he'll just sit there cool as a cucumber. Not only that, but as you can see from the picture Sam has a very unique sense of style. His hair is a dyed blonde, afro, mess of craziness and that's the way he likes it. He wont cut it off for anyone (to the dismay of my mother.)

He is still in high school and because of his disability he had to take some required courses that didn't count for credit. For this reason, it would have taken him at least 3 more years to graduate with a resource diploma. We were all disappointed by this news, but Sam was angry. He stormed into the guidance office and forced them to recount his credits. It turns out he actually has 27 normal high school credits and after just one more semester next fall, he will be able to graduate with a full OSSD. I cried my eyes out on his shoulder when I heard this news. "Sam, I'm so proud of you, this is all so exciting! You can do anything you want now, go to college, university, anything! Do you realize how exciting this is?" And in the true Sam fashion, he just shrugged and said, "yup."

My brother is an inspiration. Although we've had our differences, I don't know anyone who has worked harder than him, even on a day-to-day basis. He's never let his disability get in the way of what he wants and not once have I heard him use it as an excuse. He is gentle, kind, funny, strong, ambitious and extremely humble. Knowing someone like him makes me want to be a better person. He has overcome such personal adversity that it brings a tear to my eye. He and I have had very different childhoods, and I feel like I've taken mine for granted knowing how much he has gone through to be where he is today. We can all learn something from Sam.

Love you buddy.

The First

I saw you a couple years ago, but you didn't see me. I ducked into the next room at the last minute. I wasn't ready for the small talk and awkward silences that would follow, considering the last night we spent together. I never understood your sudden change of heart but I suppose it's all for the best. After all, you were only a 17 year old boy and never understood how much you really hurt me.

__________

"What's wrong with you?"
Silence.
"Don't give me this brick wall shit."
"Let's talk about this later."
"No, not later! I'm not stupid, something is going on."
Silence.
"Fine, but just know that if this ends we can't be friends anymore. I couldn't do it."
"We'll talk about this later."
__________

Before it ends, you always know it. You can see it coming a mile away and try as hard as you might, it will end. Everyone knows it but still everyone ignores it.

Still, as much as it hurts, I can maintain my poise. My grace. And as much as I am screaming on the inside I never raise my voice. Never shed a tear. Never lose my self respect.

An "unhealthy coping method" for some, but maintaining my self respect and not losing my cool is my way of dealing with rejection. Keeping my head high, not letting it get to me and moving on as quickly as possible.
__________

"I wrote a song for you. It's the first song I've ever written. You're my muse."
"Haha, I do what I can."
"I've never felt so happy before. We'll really last, I'm sure of it. I think we're soul mates."
"I'm really happy too."
"Never leave me. And promise that when we're thirty-five and still unmarried we'll get hitched. Promise?"
"I promise."
__________

Hold a Little Grace

Whatever happened to taking things in stride? No one seems to deal with their problems with any sort of grace or dignity anymore, or maybe they never did. But I always thought that being able to control our basic emotions, at least to some degree, is one of the things that separates humans from the rest of the mammals on earth who roam around biting and spitting on each other all day.

Hypothetical question: you get dumped. What do you do?

a) Get drunk, swear off men/women and throw curse words at your friends when they try to comfort you.

b) Spread a rumour that he has a small penis/she has chlamydia and hope that no one will ever love them again. They deserve to be alone forever, after all.

c) Brush your shoulders off and embrace the fact that it was a blessing things didn't work out. No one wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them.

Could it be more obvious? Apparently not and although anyone reading this would say c), I don't know a single person who has actually applied it in this situation. You got dumped. Ya it hurts, but it's a good thing it happened now instead of realizing on your wedding day that he/she's not "the one." This is dating. This is the world. Shit happens, and shit will happen to you but the only thing you can do is take a deep breath and move on to the next one.

Now that that's off my chest, I have a few other things to say...

1) I hate girls. I love being one, but sometimes I'm ashamed to be associated with them and all their fucking antics.

2) Loud music and mono do not mix. Insta-headache.

3) Being cooped up for almost 3 weeks with no booze and nothing to do during the day has turned me a little kooky. When I was at my cottage I actually thought I was hearing voices. Turns out my refrigerator sounds a lot like a burglar from the next room.

4) Popsicles are good, but real fruit juice popsicles are better.

5) The last thing I want to do when I'm sick is cook. I've lost 5 pounds from sheer laziness. And here I thought you gained weight from being lazy.

That is all for now my kittens. Ciao.

It's hot, I'm dehydrated and craving cold. Sweat beads on my forehead and my small fan can't cool me, only blowing the hot air around. I can do nothing but sprawl on top of the covers and suck on ice, hoping some kind of breeze will sneak through my open window.

Not a good atmosphere to try to rest and heal. My swollen throat hates me.

I'm looking forward to being healthy again. That's one thing I really take for granted. I'm just too young to care.

That Doctor Can Kiss My Ass

So apparently the quack doctor at the Waterloo hospital didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. The flu? Nuh uh.

Still after two weeks with the same damned fever, puffy eyes, splitting headache, backache and windedness I decided it was time to get a second opinion. So my mother and I went to another hospital where they did actual tests to see what was wrong with me instead of laughing and saying a 21 year old should know what her symptoms mean. "Ha ha ha, come on guess! You can guess this, it's so easy!" Thanks a lot Doc.

So they didn't just guess what I had, they took blood and it turns out I have mono. Fucking mono! Mono for two weeks thinking it was the flu and I was a wimp for not getting over it in the 7 days I'm supposed to according to Doctor know-it-all. I was so shocked I almost pissed myself laughing. I have it in me to go find that fucking, stupid-ass doctor and tell him I could have ruptured my liver and died because of him. Fucker.

Anyways, now that I know what I have I'm on the road to recovery. I already feel a bit better but I'm not gonna push it. If I drink or get hit in the liver the wrong way I could die, so I'm taking no chances. Good times, eh? Send me healthy thoughts! A summer is no summer without copious amounts of booze.

Oh. El. Pee.

So here it is, though slightly delayed due to illness and internet issues, your sock rocking blog. Brace yourselves. I will try to express the pure ecstasy and adrenaline of it all for you, however I'm sure that no matter what adjectives I use to describe the occurrences of May 8th, 2006 I will not be able to come close to reliving such a day. This day cannot be expressed in words, it must be experienced. Having experienced such a day recently, I will try to include you in my elation. Now that I've built it up so high, here we go.

For years I have been a fan of Our Lady Peace. They were my first real concert, which was at the Air Canada Centre in 2000. I was in the tenth grade. They were amazing, of course, and every concert proceeding has been compared to the latter. I saw them again at the Somersault festival in Barrie, and they were the highlight of the day. After said concert they settled themselves firmly in their spot as my number one favourite band of all time throughout high school. Entering University, they lost their spot at number one (being replaced by Radiohead) but remained firmly (and always will) in my top five.

Now getting to the point.

On May 8th, 2006 my mother called me at 10am revealing to me that she had come across four OLP tickets for that very night at Centre in the Square in Kitchener. She had purchased these tickets that very day, and they had not sold earlier because of some kind of visual obstruction. We didn't really care, and with no expectations we headed to see them later that day. It turns out these seats were on the second floor in the box closest to the stage. We could even peek backstage from where we were sitting, we were that close. We had the whole box to ourselves, and the visual obstruction? It was a light. A skinny little light and nothing more, we could all see the stage perfectly. This was the first of three surprises that would make this night so great.

Surprise number two? Neverending White Lights was one of the openers. Now, to those of you who don't know this band, they are not in fact a band. It is a songwriter and producer who writes all the songs and plays all the instruments on the album. He gets different vocalists to collaborate in the writing process and sing each song, thereby each song has a different vocal sound. I just recently starting getting into them and was very pleasantly surprised (to say the least) to discover they were opening. They were fantastic! Get out to a concert soon if you can, they're going to start getting huge. Their video "The Grace" was just nominated for an MMVA.

Now for the final and ultimate surprise that made this night so unforgettable. My friends and I were rocking the place. I mean we were dancing, singing and just generally flailing around like starstruck idiots for the first half of Our Lady Peace's set. It was pretty calm in the rest of the place, and Raine (i.e. the love of my life) kept waving at us and pointing in our general direction. Yes, I know. Every fan thinks he's pointing directly at them, but I can prove it. See below for the picture progression...

1) Raine looks into my eyes as if to say, "just you wait, Emily. I'm gonna rock your socks off." You can also tell how excited he is to see me because his belt is undone.

2) Raine coming up to our box. At this point all I can do is scream "What is he doing?!?!?! What is he doing?!?!?!" He is coming up to profess his love to me.

3) Raine serenading me in our box. No special camera tricks here, people! This is full-on, real Maida action.

4) Again, Raine in our box. I have a million pictures like this. We got a little excited with the camera to say the least.

5) Raine (sadly) exiting our box. I don't have a picture of it, but before he left he gave me his number and told me not to tell his wife.

So there you have it. As I'm sure you are suffering from high amounts of jealously, I have no need to go on. I will leave you to wallow. Ta.

You Give me Fever

Day six and counting with a fever of 101 degrees. My neck hurts. My kidneys hurt. My body hurts. I have zero appetite and have never been hungrier in my life. There are two computer screens fading in and out in front of me and I don't know if that's from the drugs or the headache. Perhaps both? I'm sweating and shivering simultaneously, which is quite confusing. Do I pile on the covers or sprawl out naked with the window open? I do not know. I want to do both.

When I dragged myself to the emergency room Saturday night (2:30am to be exact), I thought I had mono or some kind of infection, but alas. Influenza. No miracle drugs for the flu, just lots of Tylenol and fluids until the fever breaks. Serves me right for always laughing at people who get the flu shot.

GET YOUR DAMNED FLU SHOT!!

So now, day six and counting and the fever has not broke. I do not feel better and all I want to do is go back to work, make money and spend it at the bar. Learn from my misery, I beg you! Get your flu shot.

That's all for now.

I can't remember a time when I've had so many people around me. I can't remember a time when I've felt more alone.

Potential. It's a loaded word.

You bring out the worst in me and you know it. It is your weapon against me, and I let you use it.

If I was who I wanted to be, maybe this wouldn't be so hard.

In real life, there are no answers. Only imaginary solutions to imaginary questions.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by my smallness and naivety. This life is too big and people are too egocentric to know how insignificant they are. Or maybe that thought is too scary to admit.

Mon Canevas Blanc

If you know me even a little bit, you'll know I have no idea what I want to do with my life. It's ok with me, I mean I don't really like the idea of knowing exactly what the future holds anyways. Sometimes I think I should go talk to an academic counselor and at least figure out what my options are, but something always stops me. Maybe it's just laziness, or maybe it's because I don't want to commit to something that could turn out to be a bad decision. Finding the right career is a pretty big deal, and I don't understand how everyone else has such an easy time with it. There are far too many options out there to nail one down and say "that's what I want to do for the rest of my life." This is something you'll be doing everyday, all day, forever. It's rather intimidating.

The things I'm passionate about seems to be deemed "not sensible career choices." I could dance forever and ever, but will I be able to buy groceries? Probably not. So since the things I know I love are kind of out of the question for a career, I need to find new things to become passionate about. At least I know the following about myself:

1) I hate being told what to do. Rather, I need some independence and room for creativity.

2) I need to be moving around and doing stuff. Sitting at a desk all day is not an option.

3) I need to be around people my own age and/or children.

4) I need a relaxed or at least semi-relaxed atmosphere. I can't stand getting into trouble for stupid shit like having your top button undone (that actually happened.)

All the jobs I've had in the past have taught me exactly what I don't want to do for a living. I don't want to teach in the school system, I don't want to work in an office and I don't want to work insane hours just to get by. Not knowing is ok, but sometimes I wish I had some kind of clue. The future is a big, blank canvas craving colour.

Come Along For the Ride

1) I have a great post pending. I'm telling you, this post will rock your socks (especially Miss. Jay. Your socks will be thoroughly rocked, I promise.) I need to include pictures, but our stupid internet is so slow right now. I need to wait until next Friday when we switch internet companies and actually get the high speed we're paying for. So hold on tight people.

2) Safari tour guiding also rocks my socks. I get to see the animals 5 times a day, and pretend like I know all about them. I'm just reading off of a script in real life (but don't tell. It's a secret.) I saw twin Bison being born yesterday too. Where else can you see something like that?

3) I miss my cottage. I'm craving fresh air and sand pretty badly.

4) Neverending White Lights, From What I Once Was. Download it immediately.

5) My least favourite type of person is the know-it-all. Some people just believe they've got it all figured out and have nothing to learn from anyone. More specifically, I hate when people think they've got me all figured out. Human beings are highly complex, and even when you know someone for years and years you can still learn new things about them. Don't assume I am one thing, because I am many.

6) I like being alone in my apartment every once in a while because I can turn up the volume on my favourite porn movies. I usually keep them on mute when the roomies are home.

7) Number 6 isn't a lie.

8) Keep holding on for the amazing post. You'll all pee your pants when you read it, I swear.

And here I am yet again, hovering in limbo: On the verge of hell looking up for a glimpse of heaven. Floating like a soul with no body, and wondering what to do with myself. The worst part is knowing I wont be leaving here anytime soon. The clouds never do part for me.

Hello Sunshine

This is the first time in a week and a half that I’ve had a minute to sit and write, and even now I’m being pushed for time. I have to keep reminding myself to breath air and eat food, because in the rush I forget to do both. I’m expecting soon I’ll drop dead, but before that happens I have some updates...

We’ve just moved! Our new apartment is perfect. Lots of space and we’re on the top floor so it’s quiet and there’s always a nice breeze coming through. The best part though, is that the whole dishwasher thing works wonders for the cleanliness of the kitchen. Load, unload. Load, unload. It’s so easy, woot! My room is so pretty it actually brings a tear to my eye every time I come home. It’s magical. I’ll post pictures as soon as blogger and the internet decide to stop being assholes.

My trip has been postponed and entirely changed. I’ll give you a moment to let the shock set in .................. Nothing was working in my favour (especially the fucking visa situation, do not get me started) so I decided the universe was telling me that now is not the time to go. Instead, my best friend and I (see “Ode to Amber”) are going to take three weeks at the end of the summer to travel around Europe. This way we get to see more, and I’m not by myself. Hopefully this trip will work out better. The fact that I don’t need a visa has it about ten thousand points ahead of the last one. But then it loses another ten thousand points because I’m going to have to cancel my beer date with the Jesus.

I got the African Lion Safari job, and am now a professional tour guide and bus driver. Whoever’s bright idea it was to put me behind the wheel of a bus carrying fifty innocent people through wild lions should be fired. I am now officially a danger to children and the elderly. And my uniform is amazing (note the sarcasm.) I think they took an exact replica of the crocodile hunter’s garb, except these shorts are about an inch higher on the waist and about an inch lower on the inseam. And I get to tuck in the shirt. Good times.

Yes, so I’ve been training for my new job, wrapping up my dance job, moving, unpacking, canceling UK plans, making new ones. Hopefully soon I’ll have time to sit and actually enjoy the summer and perhaps write more. A real post is to come shortly, my kittens. I have missed you.

Yappity Yap

1) I need to start packing my room soon. Moving day is on Sunday and we're all anxious to finally get into our new place. Packing is one of those jobs that is so ominous and huge that you don't know where to start and end up putting it off until the very last minute. All are welcome to come help. Free beer! (And by "free" I mean "no.")

2) I had an interview to be a tour guide at the African Lion Safari yesterday. Don't you dare make fun of me, it's a summer job, ok? I need something for only two months because of my UK hiatus, and I'm sick of working with children. God knows I love 'em, but that's all I do. I need to meet people my own age for once, and you and I both know I'm too good for the food service industry. At the safari I get to work outside, learn to drive a boat/bus/train and watch monkeys hump each other all day.

3) I still officially have no plans for my trip. All I know is that I'm going and it's starting to freak me out. My lack of planning is starting to bother the obsessive-compulsive part of my personality. There's a little voice in my head that's saying "What the hell are you going to do when you get there?" I know it'll all work out and be an experience of some kind (positive or negative) but my anxiety is growing by the day.

4) I'm having toilet paper wars with myself because both of my roommates upstairs have moved out. Everyday I watch the roll dwindle and wonder what will happen once I'm down to the last square.

5) I'm an emotional wreck today. I drove past my high school and started to cry (note: I did not like high school, but I was overcome by the memories. Yes, I am a tool.) About a half hour later I started sobbing in my car again, this time for no apparent reason. I still don't know what set me off. Maybe I'm stressed because of my trip. I'm not good at guessing when or why I'm stressed. I usually just wait until people start telling me I'm being a bitch. When I get called a bitch, that means I'm stressed. Maybe crying all the time for no reason means I'm stressed too.

6) Some drunk girl at the bar stepped on my foot with her stiletto last night, and now I can't walk. I have a big purple welt of a heel mark on my foot. Stupid girls and their stupid shoes.

7) Speaking of shoes, I bought the cutest pair of metallic turquoise, strappy wedges a couple weeks ago by accident. They leapt into my hands and begged me to buy them.

8) Yesterday I went to see my girlfriend in London for her birthday, and never in my life have I felt so unattractive. Every girl in this place was blonde and had great legs, which made me feel like an ugly duckling surrounded by Gucci and Prada. But strangely, I was hit on more than I have ever been in my life. One guy followed me home despite me telling him right to his face I wouldn't sleep with him. Another stopped short to tell me how gorgeous I was and yet another got down on his knees in the middle of the bar to beg for my number. It was baffling! I swear everyone in that city is rich and beautiful and trendy. It's like the Los Angeles of Canada minus all the movie stars.

My World is Spinning, But I'm Standing Still

For whatever reason, human beings exist. Unless you're a philosophy major you'll probably agree. We exist, we roam around for awhile, and we die. Individual human lives are very short, and there have been so many of them come and go already in our history, it's difficult to fathom. Too many lives to count. It's almost too much to wrap your brain around, isn't it?

Regardless of the fact that life is radically short and our lives are meaningless, we still search for meaning until the day we die. Why? Because if we could comprehend the true futility and frivolousness of our existence we would choose not to go on. We would all be depressed and suicidal and nothing would be accomplished. No one would invent, create ideas, start movements. What's the point of all that if we are all going to die in the end? The knowledge of the inevitability of death would drive us all to depression. So instead we all believe we're here for a reason, and we search for that reason until the end. It is what keeps us sane.

That and the quest for happiness. Human beings can be smiley and chipper and sunny even in the most adverse of circumstances. They can be happy even when they know in the back of their minds that there's no point. True happiness doesn't really exist in the palpable sense. It's a state of mind. Happiness is an illusion that keeps us from giving up on life. The ultimate defense mechanism. It protects us from feeling small and insignificant, and when our happiness goes away we wonder what the hell all this is for. This life, constrained in the dimensions of expectation and inevitability. When we're not happy we don't want to try anymore. The fact that the entire human race is running on such a fleeting and unpredictable emotion scares me. Brain chemistry determines whether we live or die, and whether we care either way. But that's the way it's always been, and aside from moderate suicide rates and the fact that two out of five people are clinically depressed, I'd say we're doing ok. Most people never have to look death right in the face anyways, so they never have to think about it.

This life, constrained in the dimensions of expectation and inevitability.

I dreamed you last night. I saw your outline just in front of me under the covers, and I watched you lay there. Your lips smiled in that knowing way, and it was enough to make my heart flutter as I slept. I saw your hands move. Steady and purposeful; a boys hands. Those hands make me feel feminine, vulnerable, protected. In my dream your hands spoke to me. They told me all the words you were too afraid to say, and my hands talked back. Small, soft and unsure. In the dark we moved together. We stirred softly and quietly under the blankets as the outside world melted away.

Narcissism

I am still alive, in case you were wondering. And I'm oh so close to being done my third year of this ass poundage they call university. Only one more essay to go, which is why I'm writing this blog. Because I shouldn't be.

After this damn essay is done I can focus on planning my two month hiatus to the UK. May 9th is the day I have set in my head for my departure, but of course no tickets have been purchased, I have no job there and no place to live. Yet. I really don't care, though. I think just going and flailing for a bit until I find my footing will be a good thing for me. That's why I decided to leave in the first place, after all. I need to get out of my comfort zone so I can rediscover why I've chosen this life, this school, this city to live in, etc. The whole "leaving everything so I can find it again" deal. Hopefully I can find myself over there too. I've been missing for some time now, and I'd like to get myself back.

On that note, it's funny that we can think we know ourselves. I find this funny because I rediscover new things about myself everyday. Things I've learned about myself just today;

1) I like string thongs better than normal thongs.
2) Sometimes I need to keep secrets from people. Even if it's something small, it always gives me a sense of power.
3) I miss old school Fischer Price toys.
4) I can't cook with other people in the kitchen. I need my space for my food.

And that's just today! Everyday something new emerges and I have my own personal revelation of self-discovery. Maybe I'm just a complex person, but there's always something new about myself I can learn. And there are things I've forgotten about myself that can be rediscovered over and over.

God, I'm narcissistic sometimes. But it's in our nature, isn't it.

He called me on it. No one has ever understood me before I understood myself, and it caught me off-guard.

"I think you're scared."
"I am. I really am scared." I had never thought of it that way before.

There always comes a point when the ball drops, so I've learned to anticipate it. The minute I let myself go just a little, everything falls to pieces and I'm hurting again. Not letting go has become my defense, even if it makes me miserable. I tell myself I'd rather be miserable this way than at the hands of someone else.

But look at me like that with those eyes again, and I might have to change my mind.

Ode to Albert

After two years in our Albert street home, my roommates and I have decided to move. As much as this house means to us, meaning can no longer trump the fact that it is an old, ant-infested, dirty pile of sticks. This home has been standing in Waterloo since the dawn of time, or at least since before the invasion of university students. It is in desperate need of a make-over. Or a bulldozing.

Don't be fooled. It looks rather pretty from the outside. Especially in the summer when all the trees are in bloom and the flowers poke their heads through the dirt. The inside is dirty, smelly and old. It's not the kind of dirt you can clean, either. It's the kind that has built up over years of being lived in by students who are too lazy to do any serious housework. It has been temporary residence to more students than I dare to estimate, which has done a number on the sanitation factor. And the smell. Sometimes the house smells for no apparent reason, and we can only attribute it to the fact that the house takes a shit sometimes. We've learned to live with it.

My roommates and I have also done a number on the sanitation factor, I admit. Since we've decided to move, all hope has been lost. Usually we're ok for keeping it tidy, but the kitchen has become a cesspool of nasty over the past couple of months. It hasn't been updated since the 70s at least so not only is it piled high with dishes, it is horribly out of date. The countertops are a lovely faux-wood that has been been worn down in some spots from aging, and the floor has developed a natural brown-tinge that makes it look constantly unclean. In reality, the floor used to be cream-coloured but has faded brown over the years, so even if we tried to scrub it it wouldn't return to its original colour.

Even though the house is disgusting, we've loved our time here. Our place has been host to many, many parties. It is right in the middle of everything, and a short walk away from most of the bars in Waterloo so people usually congregate here before going out. Most weekends there is at least one of our friends crashing on our couch or puking in our toilet. The house is always happy to oblige. It is also so close to the school that even if I wake up ten minutes before class, I can still make it across campus without breaking a sweat. This has proven to be a very important factor in my love for this place.

And my room. Fortunately since the house is already a disaster the landlord let us paint. I indulged in a passionate, plum purple. My room was labeled the sex room because of the low lighting and the four-poster. Every good party always ended with a pole dance on my bed. This bed is also known among some as "the most comfortable bed ever." It really is, I can't explain it.

We've lost a couple roommates, gained new ones. A total of nine different people have called this place home over the past two years and four of us have stayed strong throughout. The original four plus one are moving into our new place together. A sparkling, brand-spanking new apartment just three houses down. Dishwasher included, which will hopefully get us out of the dish slump we've fallen into lately. I can't wait to move, but I know I'll miss it. There are memories attached to this house that will immortalize it for us as "that old house we used to rent together."