Lately I've been to busy to feel it, but my heart hurts. When I have a minute to sit with myself it pangs me. A dull ache. Loneliness is tangible and uncircumstantial. Anyone can feel it at any point, there's no discrimination between quantity or quality of relationships.

I've never felt this way before.
I never want to stop kissing you.
I want you.
I miss you.
I love you.
I could wake up next to you every day for the rest of my life and be happy.

Every girl has a bank in her memory of all the significant romantic moments in her life. We bank them like little treasures, and when we're feeling lonely we take them out and awe at their prettiness. Usually its a lift, but they all look like empty words to me now. Empty like me. All these boys are gone from my life, and all that's left are words hanging in the air.

In this world there are so many girls and so few princes.

Baaaa.

The ignorance of some people astounds me. I guess living in our society doesn't exactly require the most free-thinking and analytical of minds. Maybe waking up blissful every morning is worth being herded with the rest of the sheep, but I'll never know. I left the flock a long time ago.

I attend one of the leading academic institutions in Ontario, yet I feel like a hippie in sheep's clothing. There's so much going on on the planet, I don't want to be suffocating in my little Laurier bubble anymore. Everyone is so preoccupied with grades and friends and beer that they forget why they're really here. To better themselves and explore the depths of their intelligence. I want to learn, to explore, to be passionate and to protest when there's an injustice. No one here cares that the U.S. is torturing prisoners of war. No one knows why the government criminalizes some actions and not others. No one reads the paper anymore. When did University life lose it's real-world intelligence? I cant talk to my friends about the ridiculousness of drug laws or other political issues that affect them because they don't know... or maybe they don't care. The real issues in life have lost their importance and the mundane, irrelevant issues have taken over. Cute outfit! Lets go drinking! Whats up with Nick and Jessica? Who gives a shit! What about the fact that Bush is racist? That he takes away civil liberties because of his personal beliefs? That listening to him speak kills brain cells?

Maybe we're too lazy to take action as North Americans because we live so comfortably. We're thinkers, not do-ers. We can say, "aww, that's a tragedy," but when asked to help we're too selfishly wrapped up in our own existence to do so. But what can we do? you ask. In the larger sense, I honestly don't know. At least acknowledge that you're a moronic sheep and try to break free from the herd. I don't like where we're being herded, and I'd rather take hold of my own destiny.

We need something to get us angry enough so we'll jump off our lazy-boy sofas and make change.

This Week

Sometimes when I'm stressed or feeling overwhelmed I'll smoke a cigar by myself. It seems like a silly thing to do, but it gives me the feeling that I'm doing something naughty that no one knows about. I feel like a badass without actually being one and destroying my lungs and other organs. I honestly feel like a rebel when I'm out there on my front porch at 2am by myself with a colts. Its a temporary break from reality, a break from the self that is supposed to be well behaved, hard working and disciplined.
__________

Tell me you need me. Tell me I'm the one. Tell me there's no one like me in your world. Tell me you want me now, and why haven't we done this sooner. Tell me no one compares to me.

I need you.
__________

Everyone gets one day a year where they are reminded of the people who love them. Sometimes we forget that we're deeply loved by more people than just our parents, and that this world would be more grey for them without you in it. Yesterday I received 10 birthday cards, 22 birthday messages, 5 phone calls, jewelry, clothes and the most delicious chocolate fudge birthday cake I've ever tasted. In my birthday selfishness I decided I wanted to go to a Latin salsa club even though none of my friends know how to salsa dance, yet 16 people came and 3 more met up with us there. You know you have friends who love you when they'll dance the Merengue for your birthday.
__________

Snow is my favourite weather. The light changes when it snows and we're reminded that winter isn't just a season, it's a spectrum.
__________

I've proven to myself what I didn't even know was possible. I pulled two all-nighters in a row. Which means within the span of 48hours I slept a total of about 6 hours. The recommended amount of sleep in that span is 16 hours. How is it that I pulled no all-nighters in first or second year, but now every time I have a major assignment due I put it off until my only option is sacrificing sleep to complete it?
__________

"Will you marry me?
"Yes."
"No really, I want to marry you sometime in the future."
"I know."
"Will you marry me next week?"
"Yes."
__________

In the Waiting Line

Waiting for something to happen. I'm wasting time, sitting around, thinking about what I could be doing, dreaming. I've said this before, yet I'm still just sitting here. I feel like I could go stagnant, fade away, dissolve into dust and the world would stay the same. I have no real mission, no supreme goal, no life defining purpose.

I day dream a lot. I think that if you're content with your life, there should be no need to daze off and imagine what could be because you'd already have it. Hence my concern. I'm constantly staring into space, letting my eyes glass over and my mind race with all the other things I could be doing. Maybe I'm just jaded, but isn't that sad? 20 years old and a cynic.

School doesn't last forever, and I know that it should ultimately lead me to a career that I will enjoy. However, right now I'm bored with my life and with school. I love psychology, but I want to do it. No more talking about it, it's theories and what other people have done. I want to do something purposeful. Right now we're in the space between school and life, waiting for our careers to start. I hate the waiting feeling, but it's funny how students are used to waiting in line for everything: Our food, our textbooks, course changes, OSAP. School in itself is a wait period, until we're ready for a career. But is that the end? Will we be finished waiting once we settle into our respective jobs, start earning a decent wage and benefits, get a house and a dog? We're all in a figurative waiting line... what are we waiting for, and how long before we reach it?

The laws of physics can be applied to life: Equal and opposite forces. Apply force to your life and the universe will reciprocate. I need a change, I need to apply force but where, when and how? I don't know what I can do to make myself less jaded and to induce change. I feel stuck when I should be on top of the world. Isn't that sad? 20 years old and a pessimist.

I'd sleep with you, but I might throw up

I admit that when I drink it's usually a lot and it's usually to run away from my problems. The only fault in this seemingly flawless plan is that my problems instead end up streaming out of me in full force. I feel like the hottest thing around, but really I'm making an ass of myself infront of everyone. Usually this doesn't bother me much because I don't remember half the stupid things I do. But last night I had a revelation after I made my friends victims of my drunkenness. The regrets I have about things my drunk alter-ego said and did overshadowed the fun parts of the night. Does this mean I'm growing out of the habit of drowning my stress in a bottle of whisky? I like having a good time but it's always the same thing... we pre-drink, we go the the bar and drink, then we dance and make fools of ourselves. I know almost every bar in Waterloo inside out. There are other things to do in this city that I want to explore before I leave in a couple years.

Self-Censorship

Lets say all the things we're afraid to say. I edit myself around people. I preview what I'm about to say in my own head, cut it down to a shallow version of what I really feel, and censor it for content that could possibly get me hurt. I'm the worst when it comes to self-censorship. I'm upfront about everything except the things that make me feel vulnerable. Sometimes I bottle in certain things to the point where I might burst. Why am I so afraid of my own words? Words can change the world, and I'm scared that my world will change for the worse. I'm always so afraid of getting hurt, it's getting in the way of what I want. It's getting in the way of me.

Lets do all the things we're afraid to do. Why is there a hesitation when we approach certain situations? I have a fear that if I'm too confident in doing something, I'll get hurt. Doing what I really want scares me so much, because there's a possibility of losing something. That's probably why I don't gamble. I'll either lose everything or gain everything when I roll the dice, and I'm not brave enough to take the risk. What I really want is in my reach... I can almost touch it. Why wont I take that extra step?

I'm so afraid of getting hurt that I don't realize I'm already hurting. I'm hurting by holding everything in, by holding back and by editing me. I don't have the confidence that things wont change for the worse, but I cant keep things in much longer. I feel like I'll burst one of these days and bits of me will go flying for everyone to see. Which is worse; to stay as I am and keep things the same, or to take the plunge with the risk of turning my world upside down? How badly could things change by saying a few little words?

Constellations

My dad tried his best to educate us on the constellations. I know names and locations of the important stars like Vega, Archterous and Deneb (which was going to be my name if I was a boy, not according to my mother.) I was also repeatedly corrected when referring to a shooting star because, "It's a meteor, there's no such thing as a shooting star." Now, when I say to my friends, Hey, did you see that meteor? they have no clue what I'm talking about. I know the summer sky better than the winter sky, because we'd stargaze at my cottage in the summer. The winter sky was saved for my dad's telescope, which he built himself from materials like old seatbelts and construction paper. He used to have to lift me to see through the eye piece, and I had no idea what I was looking at half the time.

It's funny how knowledge gets passed down like that. Little things like making grilled cheese, folding laundry, brushing your teeth... they're constant. You forget that you had to learn them from someone in the first place.

"It was just another night

with a sunset and a moonrise not so far behind

to give us just enough light to lay down underneath the stars

listen to all the translations of the stories across the sky

we drew our own constellations"

-J.J.

I've missed more classes than I've gone to this week. I did a tally, and if I go to one of my classes tomorrow it'll be a tie. I'm going to try to go to both... keeping my fingers crossed.
________

My rat has been in a pissy mood lately. She bites at me, runs in circles, jumps around the chamber hanging onto anything she can grab and runs into walls. She's even chasing her own tail with such force that she'll bite it, then snap at me because she's hurt. I dread going in to the lab to do sessions now. I used to love it! She's one of the smart lab rats. Now she just scares me.... kind of like the real Elizabeth Taylor.
________

"I'm sorry. That was rude, it's just that I know how amazing and special you are that no girl will ever be good enough for you."
"Can you think of one?"
"No, I really can't." In my mind..."I compare every girl to myself. No one has a chance."
________

It snowed today, and I missed it! The first snow of the year, and I'm still in bed pressing the snooze button every 5 minutes. Why didn't someone tell me! I've never missed the first snowfall before. The only way I'll feel better is if we get a foot of snow over night so I can go skiing tomorrow. Yes it could happen, don't squash my dreams.
________

I've decided the following... a) I like being single, b) No guy is good enough for me anyways, and c) If I get really lonely, I can always crawl into bed with one of my roommates or my vibrator. Not both you pervert.
________

Sunny Days

What makes me miss summer the most are the sunny days. When the sun is out but it's too cold to feel it... sunshine is wasted on cold days like this. There's nothing like like lying in the hot sand and feeling the sun warm your skin. Mmmmm.

I have one regret about this summer. I didn't spend enough time at my cottage to keep me sane. I've come to realize that there is no other place that makes me as happy as that beach, that house, that exact location on the planet earth. I need to spend significant time there to maintain some level of sanity. I didn't do that this summer. Weekends were spent in Toronto, in Waterloo, in the city, drinking, partying, doing nothing. Why would I waste my time in the smog when I could be soaking in the warm rays on my beach? Regrets.

We have home videos of when I was 4, in my yellow bikini and pigtails running in and out of the lake with a blue plastic bucket. When I was 7, building a dam across the stream with our neighbours and squealing with excitement when it broke and a torrent of water came rushing at us. When I was 12, building sandcastles. Playing volleyball at 15. I can trace my life on that beach.

Summer is officially gone, and the sunshine is now wasted on cold and windy days. Time to change gears.

Tidal Wave

I don't have enough drama in my life. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just floating through with no genuine tears, no gut-wrenching passions and no way of feeling really alive. I'm in a rut. I need a change... something big that will yank me out of this melancholy. All I do is eat, sleep and study. Sure I have amazing friends and other little hobbies, but nothing that's enough to fill the void that's meant for feeling alive. Right now I'm in limbo, like a ghost. Floating.

Strangely, what's helped me come to this realization is my constant habit of sleeping in. I've never been a morning person, but I've usually made it up for that important class or work. Not lately. I have to set three alarms, and in my sleep I turn them all off and crawl back into bed. Is this just because I'm not getting enough sleep? No, I'm getting plenty of that. It's because there's nothing worth getting out of bed for anymore. I'd rather sleep than be awake, alive and enjoying the day. I feel terribly pathetic, but it couldn't be more true. What is there to wake up for? All of my answers are obligatory ones: Class, studying, talking to friends, working out. None of these things really get me excited about being awake and alive. Yes, I love my friends more than anything, but even they can't pull me out of this deep rut I've fallen into. I need a change, a tidal wave. Something to remind me that I'm here to enjoy life and that all the little things add up to something bigger than me.

Maybe this is just a mood I'll come out of tomorrow, maybe it'll take longer. But maybe I really do need a tidal wave to carry me away for a little while.

Crushing

I love having crushes. Its all about uncertainty, new opportunities, the possibility for romance and a fresh start. And when they give you that smile, oh the butterflies! But after having a crush for a while, it gets old... just smiling at each other isn't enough. There has to be a change. A crossroads per say, where you discover that it's a mutual crush and they give you your first kiss at midnight, on the front porch, midsentence... or you discover through a friend of a friend that they're seeing someone else or even worse, that they just don't like you back. A crossroads where you have the possibility for a relationship, or you move on to the next one. I've officially been in the grey area for too long! Eventually, I've got to know... do you crush me too?

My Other Family

The thing about my roommates is that we really are like a family. We can sleep together and it wont be at all weird. We can see each other in our underwear and not think twice. We can cry together laugh together and just be ourselves together. We can talk about anything, we don't judge and we really do love each other. They say that love can grow simply from being in close proximity to someone all the time, which is true with us, but I think its more than that. These people are the most genuine, kind, funny, intelligent and interesting people I've ever known. These people are my family, not blood but that's an advantage I think. We chose to be together from the beginning because we got along and somewhere along the line our relationship turned into more than just friends. This is my other family.