I expect our wants will parallel. I expect I'll say what I need to say. I expect to be strong of heart, and I expect the same from you.

My character flaws appear in situations like this. I usually hide them behind a screen of sarcasm and flirtatiousness, but they're visible now seen in the silent moments and awkward smiles. I can't expect much from myself around you, and you help teach me that my expectations are usually wrong.

On Validation, Dish Soap and Men (the stupid kind)

Validation is at the top of my favourite words list. It's also at the top of my "things I hate about human beings" list. I hate that some people can't feel good about themselves unless they get validation from someone else. Some people I know can't even choose a shirt without assurance from five or more people that it's "so cute." But compliment seekers are the worst. People that constantly talk about their impossible hair or their love handles just to hear their friends say, "I love your hair! And I don't see any love handles, you are so hot I swear!" News flash: If you have love handles, you have love handles. Your friends are lying to you and no one else gives a shit. Really.

I don't go around picking people apart like that, at least. And if you do, you're a horrible person.

Maybe it's just because I'm getting older, but I could care less what people think about me good or bad. I know me better than anyone else, and I like me just fine.
__________

Note: Do not put dish soap in the dishwasher. There will be an explosion of bubbles and a soapy mess. My brothers and sister learned this the hard way. Way to go guys.
__________

"Hey, mamma's boys treat their girlfriends like gold. No one else treats women better."
"Actually, if you're a mamma's boy you'll never treat a girl as good as you treat your mother."
"No, you're totally wrong."
"I read it in my psych textbook. It's true." (No I didn't.)
"Oh wow, really? You psych major's know everything."

"I'm majoring in psychology at Laurier."
"No way! So like, you know what I'm thinking right now?"
"What?"
"You're in psychic-ology, you can read minds, right?"

"You're in psych, eh? I'd better not say anything dumb around you or you'll analyze me."
"Oh ya, I do that. I go around diagnosing people left right and centre. I've already diagnosed you, actually."
"With what?"
"A small dick. And you're so afraid of being analyzed by me because maybe I'll figure that out before you try to get me in bed."
__________

I've already spent my forever waiting. Decades have come and gone with me dragging my feet through them in silent frustration. All that time spent squinting into the horizon, waiting for something to appear. Never knowing it was coming at me all along, just below the skyline. I can see it now. A tiny dot of hope, and suddenly I don't mind the wait. I don't care how long it takes to get to me because I know it will, and for now I'm content with just that.
__________

I Resolve (an update)

So in my Clinical Psychology lecture the other day I learned that some Psychologists believe January 23rd is the one day each year when the greatest number of people on earth are depressed. Why this day? Several factors are taken into consideration: The weather, Christmas debt and the job market to name a few. But the main contributing factor is that this is the time when most people start to fail at their new year's resolutions. People get depressed because no matter how sure they were on January 1st that "this year will be different," it's not, and they can't change quite that easily.

On that note, here's an update on how my first new year's resolutions ever are going!

I resolve to live every day in the present, and enjoy every moment as it is happening. This one's hard to measure, but I think it's going well. I remind myself every once in a while that sulking about school work is a waste of precious time and energy. I'm not so stressed about stuff anymore, but that might just be because it's not overload time yet. This might be a failure waiting to happen. We'll see.

I resolve to go to the gym five days a week. I'm proud to say, I've kept this one up with flying colours! Not only do I go to the gym every week day but I teach dance classes every Saturday, so technically that's 6 days a week of being active. Woo hoo! The only down side is that I can't enjoy the fruits of my labour quite yet. It takes about 8 weeks to see results, so I've gotta do this for another month before I can see that hard, sexy body I know is in there somewhere.

I resolve to plan a trip to England by myself, without my parents help. I've started this one, but it won't really apply for a couple months. I've asked other people who have done the same thing for suggestions and I've recruited a couple more who might want to go with me, but that's it. I've still got time though. I'm not leaving until May.

I resolve to go to all my classes, and never sleep in. Failed. I've already skipped two classes today. But I didn't sleep in, I went to the gym.

I resolve to go out no more than once a week, and never on a Friday. This one's not hard to keep considering my best friend is out of town this term and I have 2 seminar classes. I haven't gone out on a Friday yet, and sometimes I don't even go out at all in a week. Yay for being anti-social!

I resolve to stop obsessing over things I don't have and to be grateful for all the things I do have. There was a speed bump with this one, but it's gone much better after I re-resolved. Life's too damned short. Seriously.

I resolve to stop eating so much damned chocolate. Failed. But I'm going to the gym, so I tell myself it's ok. (I forget what they call that in Psychology. When you make yourself feel less guilty about something by making excuses? Whoever can tell me wins a chocolate bar).

I resolve to get at least eight hours of sleep every night. Failed. But I make up for it in naps.

So I think I'm doing ok. I'm not depressed, so that's a good sign. As for the rest of you suckers who have failed, way to go (insert evil laugh here). But don't give up now. February is a new month and maybe this February will be different.

Role Reversal

My poor mother was sick with the stomach flu yesterday. She had to call my aunt to take her to the hospital where she learned that the lining in her stomach is partially eaten away from vomiting. She has to take pills to repair it, and the pain is tremendous for her.

So I went home and switched roles with my mother for the first time. I cleaned up her puke, rubbed her stomach and put her to bed, which she has done for me more times than I can count. I made sure she had water, I made sure my brothers and sisters were fed and I wrote a list of instructions for them to clean the kitchen after dinner. It's a humbling experience to have to take care of the woman who raised you.

It's also humbling to have to clean up puke. Not pretty.

It made me realize how much I'm like my mother. People would say I'm most like my father, but my mother taught me all the emotional staples in life like compassion, empathy and grace. It took me a long time to appreciate that she stayed at home to raise my siblings and me. I always thought not having a job was a weakness, but now I know that she gave up more than I will ever understand. All just to make sure we had someone at home when we got off the school bus to make sure we didn't get into trouble. I could tell her anything, and she respects all my decisions in life even if she doesn't approve. She lives for the four of us to become better people. And I say that molding four people into compassionate, empathetic and graceful individuals is a pretty amazing feat in life. Way more than I could imagine accomplishing in my time on this planet.

Not many people are so selfless to volunteer all hours of the day for more than thirty years as a role model for their kids.

This can't be happening. Disbelief turns my stomach and quickens my pulse. My hands are cold. Even my dreams stopped conjuring this up after awhile thinking it's too unrealistic and too unlikely for real life. I pray I don't say something hurtful and unintentional on the defensive, because I do that. When something good happens I can't just be thankful. I get suspicious, I imagine ulterior motives and I push it away.

I'll be happy for myself and keep my feet on the ground this time. I promise.

My Job

"My daddy says that he likes when I point my toes."
"I like when you point them too."
"But his favourite thing is when my mommy sits on him."

"I need everyone to bring something to class next week that you could use as a wand. We are going to practice with our pretend wands until we get real ones. You could use a stick, or a spoon from your kitchen, or anything."
"But Miss.Emily, I'm not allowed to take spoons into dance class."

"Miss.Emily, I can't have the bee sticker."
"Why not, dear?"
"I'm allergic."
__________

Theory of Mind (as defined in my Developmental Psychology text): proposed by Premack in 1978. It is a person's ability to acknowledge their own and other's mental activities. Develops around age 3 or 4.

For example, if a child has not yet developed theory of mind, they would not be able to lie, because they would assume that everyone shares the same thoughts as them. A common study done to examine this phenomenon is the "candles in the crayon box" experiment. In this procedure, children are asked what they think is in the box, where they respond "crayons." When the researcher opens the box, there are candles inside. When asked what they first thought was in the box, they will respond "candles." In other words, they are unable to identify that they thought wrong. Once they know something they assume they knew it all along.

I can apply what I learn in school at my job. I pity people who have to flip hamburgers to pay for tuition.
__________

A good teacher is a rare thing. Everyone has that one teacher from grade school or high school that sticks out to them as really caring and changing you. My dance teacher was that for me, and I have the opportunity to do that for my girls. I love watching them learn over just weeks, and seeing them grow up over the years. Some of my students have been with me my whole 4 years of teaching, and to think that I was the one who taught them everything they know about dance is the most rewarding thing in my life. Everyone asks me if it's hard getting up every Saturday morning and driving off to work all day. Sacrificing my Friday nights, which could be spent boozing and partying. I wouldn't have it any other way. This centres me.
__________

Je M'ai Effrayé

I came to a horribly frightening realization today. It just kind of hit me in one of those unsuspecting moments when you're daydreaming to yourself (I was in the shower) and suddenly you remember you left the stove on or missed a doctors appointment or forgot to take your pill. In my case, it was much, much worse. I realized something I thought was inconceivable, impossible and unimaginable about myself.

I am a grown up.

Not a grown up in the way that I've discovered aches and pains and have spotted wrinkles. It came to me when I was thinking about marriage. I decided that if I (at this point in time) had someone who I could conceivably marry, I would do it and I would do it today. If I knew Mr. Right right now, we would be planning our wedding. The scary thing about this realization is that I've always thought of marriage as being far, far, far (yes, three "far's") down the road and that 21 was too young to be married. Realizing it's not really has me reeling. My rationalization is that if I find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, I want the rest of my life to start as soon as possible. I don't need any more meaningless flings with guys who don't care where I grew up or what my favourite flower is. Dating is not fulfilling for me at all anymore, and it sucks. A lot. It's full of awkward moments, unsure words and fabrications. No one knows what to do or say, and each of you wants something different.

Another thing that came to me after my realization is that I'm never going to be living in my parents house anymore. They've preserved my room in a museum-like manner waiting for the day when I come home, but I never will. Maybe on a temporary basis, but there's nothing for me back in my home town. I have my own life and my own needs now, and am (almost) fully independent from my parents.

So when am I getting married? Not for a long, long time or ever. The point is not that I want to get married now, but that I could. Discovering the right person is a whole other story.

Americism

I'm an Americist. Meaning, I'm bias against Americans. A flaw I'm trying to work on, because clearly not every American citizen is like their leader. I just think my hatred for George Bush and the frustration I feel about all the social problems in the United States (most caused or perpetuated by him) are projected onto it's citizens, which isn't right. To me, the United States is the embodiment of everything that is wrong with society in general, so if someone introduces themselves to me as an American or having anything to do with the States I immediately form this negative judgment of them as an individual.

But today I came across a speech given by former vice-president Al Gore for Martin Luther King Jr. Day which almost showed me a light at the end of the tunnel. He talks about how Bush and his administration breaks American laws in order to seek out "terrorists" in their own country (whatever a terrorist is. It's definition has become so watered down that it could include an average Canadian. Yikes!) They illegally wire tap a large number of American citizens, which totally violates privacy laws, not to mention pure and simple human rights. Anyways, I've always had this negative opinion of Al Gore because, obviously, he's an American politician. The worst type of American. But this speech really caught me off guard. It shows that U.S. citizens are starting to speak up against the rising monopoly that the Bush government is becoming. You can catch this amazing speech here, please read it. Inform yourself about what Canada could become if we move toward a Conservative government (because as we all know, the Conservatives are most like the Bush Republican party.) Think about it.

A true friend will tell you any way she can when she thinks you're making bad choices, and she'll argue and cry and listen and try to understand. And whether she's wrong or you're wrong, it doesn't matter. She'll cry tears over you on your shoulder. A true friend knows that making your own mistakes is important so she'll watch you make them, without judgment.

I need to fail, I need to get hurt, I need to fall down once or twice before I can find my footing in this life, and I know my friends will be there to brush away the dirt on my knees and the tears in my eyes at the end of the day.

I Think I'll Start a Rock Collection

I was a well-behaved child. My parents don't know how good they had it, I tell ya. I never snuck out of the house, never smoked a cigarette and never had any secret parties. Yes I was a geek, and boring as hell.

So my theory is that I'm making up for lost time. It seems I've caught up to my peers, and even exceeded them in the areas of chugging, kissing randoms and falling down while drunk. Sometimes it tires me out and I feel like I should grow up and cut the bullshit, but other times all I want to do is drink too much and flirt and dance like I put out (which I don't. I'm a huge tease, and proud of it.) My inner geek is telling me that I'm too old for this shit and I should go study or start another rock collection. Oh, the inner turmoil of a twenty-something single woman. It's all so dramatic.

But all this going out and partying has taught me many useful lessons. One of which is that I can set a goal for the night and achieve it almost every time. For example I'll say, "I'm going to kiss a boy tonight." Everyone around me will laugh, but only I know the truth. Once I say it out loud it will happen. It's out there in the universe, and the universe is in my favour every time. Maybe it's just in my nature to always finish something I've started, but it never fails. I achieve my goals and no matter who that boy is, I will kiss him.

But as fun as it is at the time, kissing randoms until the bar closes is not at all satisfying. Most of the time they're bad kissers, and as the lights in the bar come on and the beer goggles come off you realize they're not as cute as you thought they were. And there's always the awkward "can I walk you home?" conversation where you have to break their poor hearts by admitting you're not actually a slut you just dance like one. Good times.

So maybe I should listen to my inner geek and start a rock collection. Rocks are safe and you don't need beer goggles to look at them.

I Resolve (again)

A boy who went to my high school died in a car accident a few days ago. He was 23. I didn't really know him but my parents are good friends with his parents. I can't imagine being a mother or father to someone for 23 years, and just as they're coming into their own, just as you start to see them developing into an adult it's all over. All those years of molding this person into who they'll become, influencing their every motive and choice are suddenly shattered. In that one moment everything your life was focused on for so long is gone.

I've been in quite the depressing mood lately, and hearing about this boy's death really put things into perspective. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to make you stop bitching over the little things. I was driving my car that day too, but I'm still living and breathing. One of my new years resolutions was to stop obsessing over things I don't have, but that seems to be all I've been doing. So here it is, the official restating and rewriting of new years resolution #6...

I resolve to stop obsessing over things I don't have and to be grateful for all the things I do have.

Ok, now here I go.

How do you do it? You do something to me I can't explain. You have a power over me that's intangible and out of my control. You don't know what you could be capable of. I'd let you hurt me, use me, bruise me. I beg you, take advantage of the fragile and vulnerable girl I become when you're around. Just say the right words and I'm at your feet. My strength dissolves once I see that smile in my direction, when your eyes squint a little and your expression gets dark, I become yours. So say what you will and do what you please, I only want what you want tonight.

Abuse me, because from you it's worth the pain. Do it again and again. It hurts, but at least I'm feeling. And all the words that I've cried over you will finally be worth something.

Please, Mr.Sandman

I don't sleep at night because I'm a dreamer. A dreamer in the sense that while I lay in bed trying to sleep, my mind uncontrollably imagines and creates elaborate scenes in my head. How could the events of my day have been changed, what would I do differently, who do I wish I had run into and what would I have said. I review, revise and rewrite my day in the way I wish it had gone. It's amazing what runs through my head between the time I lay down and the time I manage to fall asleep. I choreograph full ballets, I run into my ex who begs me to get back with him, I make phone calls, pay bills and at the end of the day my crush always falls madly in love with me. It's annoying really. My mind never stops running even for a second and I spend hours and hours just staring up at the ceiling waiting for a moment of peace. Just a moment to relax so I can finally fall asleep. But no matter how tired my body feels, my mind is always awake and active, thinking, planning, reeling. My thoughts are a tapestry of real people, places, events and those that I've dreamed up. Every scene has a soundtrack and a happy ending. Everything goes my way and the impossible is always in my reach.

I've tried everything to quiet my mind just long enough for me to fall asleep, but nothing works. I try not to think, I count sheep, I read my textbook until I start to doze off. But one thought always leads to another and another and before I know it hours have passed and it's almost morning. Most days I don't manage to fall asleep until the sun comes up, and my alarm clock threatens me before I get even a minute of rest. The same thing every night. If you slept next to me you could almost hear the gears turning and cranking while I lay wide awake all night.

I guess I should be grateful for my active and creative mind, but when it means my days are spent in total mental and physical exhaustion it's hard to see the upside. What is it about my mind that wont shut off at night like it's supposed to?

The Heartsick Girl

Life loses its luster. Everything that used to make you happy, all the people you cherish, all the things about yourself that make you proud are a drab shade of grey. Nothing sparkles. My life is a sine curve with predictable highs and lows, and the lows are the lowest. My friends pity me, my future is lonely, I can't feel happy no matter how I try. I bring everyone down when I drag my feet, with my sulky face and my negative thoughts. People can only ask what's wrong so many times before they get bored with my beat-around-the-bush answers. No one wants to be around the sad girl. It's frustrating, but this ditch is too deep for me to drag myself out.
__________

He leaned into my ear and whispered "wanna to do something?"
"What do you mean by something?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"We're young and the night has just begun," he said with a sly smile. He takes my hands, our fingers interlocking, weaving in and out.
I try to hold back. "I need to find my friend," I said and let go of his hands, but he grabs them again looking at me with that sly smile.
"Why do you need her when we have each other?"
I raise an eyebrow "do we have each other?" He said nothing. I wait for an answer but he just stares at our hands, fingers intertwining. "I'll talk to you later," I said, and didn't look back.
__________

Only four months left. I need to get out of here, I feel stifled. I'm bored with the same old things, the same old routine and I need novelty. People need a certain amount of novelty to stay sane, especially people with active minds. I'm afraid I'm going to become too predictable and too jaded to recover. Someone tell me to hang in there, that it'll all be ok in the end because I don't know anymore. Pessimism grows like cancer on my perspective, eating away all my hopes and past expectations for what my life could have been. Maybe everything wont be ok. Maybe everything doesn't work out the way you want or anticipate and maybe pessimism is the permanent result of constant disappointment and falling from grace.

But then maybe pessimism is just a temporary remedy for a heartsick girl.
__________

Ode to Amber

[This is the beginning of a new series of posts I’d like to call “Ode’s.” Anyone whom I particularly feel touched by, who is a close friend or who I generally like will have the chance to have a post dedicated to them. If you think you deserve this privilege, feel free to leave me a comment for your consideration. Let me know why you think you're deserving of a public ass kissing by yours truly. These Ode's will also only occur about once a month because of their special nature, so stay tuned (E.)]



This is for my rock, my study buddy, my beach bum, my other sister, my floor-mate, my best friend. Amber and I met in our first year at Laurier on the same floor in residence. We didn’t become really close friends until later that year because she thought I was snotty and cliquey and I thought she was anti-social and brainy. We are complete opposites. She’s a tall, blonde, super intelligent, super perky sorority girl and business major with perfect grades. I’m not so tall, brunette, street smart, a dancer and psychology major with average grades. Amber is the most social person I’ve ever met, and knows more people at our school than she can count. We became best friends the summer of 2004 when she came up to my cottage for a 4-day weekend. Since that weekend we’ve been inseparable and I can’t imagine my life without her in it. We’ve shared so much together. We’ve gone through tears and deaths, boys and break-ups, stress and parties, sweat and exhaustion. We’ve had concerts, bonfires, beaches, bars, travel, ice skating, volleyball, swimming, fireworks, birthdays, anniversaries and formals together. We’ve spooned, we’ve fought, we’ve held each other in the other’s darkest hour and we’ve been there for each other’s greatest moments in life. I would be less of a person if I didn’t know her. She has changed me for the better.

I love you.