And I'll fill your heart with the joy in my own. Don't worry brother, we'll float on alright together.

Why do I bother? Because it's in my nature to give the benefit of the doubt and I'm curious. Curious to see if everything will resolve itself and people will learn from their mistakes. Often they don't. We're not as smart as we think we are.

Because I like you. More than you like me, and that used to be enough but I'm not so sure anymore. Moving around in circles gets us nowhere, and I'm getting dizzy.

I've lost my rhythm. I can't hear the down beat in my own song.

"You followed your heart. You shouldn't feel shame in that."

Yet each day that goes by it gets worse and I get more and more frustrated that I am a silly girl. Just a silly girl who can't resist a charming word or two and a kiss. Following my heart is what hurts me, but I have a big heart and I love with all of it. A hopeful romantic at the best of times and a scorned lover at the worst.

I am looking for love, always. And yes, it will be worth all this trouble.

I don't cry for myself anymore, only for others. I don't know if this is good or bad.

Merci Beaucoup

In the spirit of the holiday I will do as Canadians do at this time of the year and recognize all the things I should be thankful for on a regular basis. Of course, a lot of the things on my list tend to be neglected as far as thanks go, but that's what this holiday is for. The recognition that I'm a selfish jerk. Right?

1) My mom. She's the shit. She's always the first person I call when I'm stressed or upset, so she's also the one person who has to bear the weight of my bad moods and rantings. And no matter how many times I swear at her, snap at her and tell her the most horrible things I've done, she still sticks around. I thought she'd have disowned me by now, but that's unconditional love for ya. It never ever goes away and as long as we're both alive, we'll have each other.

2) My mom's cooking. I have only three words; green bean casserole.

3) My roommates. Although we're all diverse and each trying to find our own way through University and life, we work. Like a well-oiled machine. No one can deny the chemistry we have living together in our warm, snuggled apartment, and even though we've had our differences there's some peace knowing that we all love each other.

4) My dog. She's not going to be around much longer, but we're buds and I love every minute I get to spend with her.

5) My bronze Sketchers. I adore you.

6) My education. I think it's safe to say I slack off quite a bit, but I find my field of study fascinating and I'm grateful that I've found something I love and could do forever.

7) My mind. I still have a lot to learn and I'm glad I can acknowledge that fact. Life is a process, and everyday I acquire new knowledge and become a better person. I'm open-minded and and very appreciative for that.

8) My health. I am so very lucky in this department. No glasses, braces, broken bones, illnesses or deficits of any kind to date (knock on wood.) Just watch, tomorrow I'll end up falling down the stairs and breaking my face.

Thanksgiving may be my favourite holiday. No obligations about gifts and deadlines. Do I buy for friend A and not friend B? No stress. No dress up. Just family and food. Reflecting on the fact that we're lucky to have each other and a hot plate of delicious turkey, mashed potatoes and of course, green bean casserole.

This wall is the only thing keeping me vertical and I press against it hard. Emotional symptoms manifesting as physical ones; I've read about this a million times.

Sometimes I feel like a two-year-old when I don't get my way, stamping my little feet and throwing a temper tantrum. The two-year-old inside my head just wants to scream and cry and thrash around until someone gives me what I want. Why does this have to be so hard?

Every day that goes by I get dizzier. Every day the room spins faster and faster and I clench my teeth harder. Waiting waiting waiting, I don't want to do this again. Patience is not a virtue I possess, but you'll never know it. I will wait. And wait and wait. I'll remain quiet on the outside and make you believe I have grace and poise and sweetness in my bones, but my insides are spinning spinning spinning.

No. You'll never know the war that goes on inside my head. I'll make sure of that.