Hope comes tumbling down slowly. Like a storm. Slowly, clouds form from thin white whisps in the sky. You can feel the pressure building in the air as they grow, and you can taste the rain before it falls. Then they come falling on your head in little skinny drops then big fat drops then faster and faster. Eventually you're surrounded by water and can't tell if its coming up, going down, staying or leaving. It's a slow process: A storm, losing hope. The only difference is you can't drown in a storm.

I Resolve

Every year up to this point my New Year's resolution has been to not have any New Year's resolutions. I've always thought there was no point. No one keeps them anyways, and if you really think you should be changing something in your life enough to resolve to do it in the New Year, why wait? Get off the couch and start now. But I, growing into the bright young lass that I now am, have realized that sometimes it takes just the thought of the New Year as a fresh start to make you want to do things a bit differently. "This year will be different" is a state of mind and (most of the time) a necessary kick in the pants. So instead of my usual resolution to not resolve, this year will be different. I will post here my first New Year's resolutions of all time with you, the public, as my witnesses.

I resolve to live every day in the present, and enjoy every moment as it is happening.
I resolve to go to the gym five days a week.
I resolve to plan a trip to England by myself, without my parents help.
I resolve to go to all my classes, and never sleep in.
I resolve to go out no more than once a week, and never on a Friday.
I resolve to stop obsessing over things I don't have.
I resolve to stop eating so much damned chocolate.
I resolve to get at least eight hours of sleep every night.

There. Now I have to keep them.

Holes

When something is missing in your life and you can't find it, you replace it with something else. Your brain has a happy medium, and when that medium is thrown off you make compensations. Some people overeat, some people cheat on their wives, some people take a pottery class. People replace something they need and don't have with something they've decided they want. My medium is off, and my brain is trying to find something to restore it. That's why I always feel like there's something missing. A hole. So I'm compensating by moving abroad for a couple months. Maybe I can find whatever's missing by leaving everything familiar for a while. I wish that I knew what it is that I want so badly. I tend to make inferences and assumptions about what it could be, but they're never right. Introspection is my downfall, and virtually the only person I can't read well is myself.

But the brain is simple, really. People are predictable, and all you need to do is look for general patterns in their behaviour to figure them out. That's why I like psychology. Every behaviour has a cause, and by knowing that cause you can deduce what they'll do next. People make sense, and I like that.

So someone analyse me, because I can't figure me out. If I'm such an emotionally wealthy person, why am I always searching for something more?

Santa Baby

I dare you to tell me I don't have the most thoughtful parents in the universe when it comes to Christmas gifts...

1) A plane ticket to England where I will be living and working for part of this summer. Boo ya.
2) A one year membership to the gym.
3) An iPod Nano (greatest invention ever.)
4) $400. When I mentioned that I can now pay my bills, my mother yelled at me and said that I wasn't allowed. I have to spend this on myself, and they're giving me separate cash for utilities.
5) A hamster ball for Elizabeth Taylor. I love it, except we've had it for less than 24 hours and my dog already managed to kick her down two flights of stairs.

All this and I was on the naughty list this year (take that Santa. Boo ya.)

Where is Home?

There comes a point when the house you grew up in doesn't feel like home anymore. I never thought this old, dirty house I'm renting could ever feel like home, but it really does. Maybe home isn't just the place where you live, but also the people who you share it with. I'm closer with my roommates then I ever have been with anyone in my family. I can truly be myself in our house. You censor yourself in front of your parents and your siblings but with your friends you can let it all out. Maybe that's why this old house has become home. I feel so comfortable just being me in this space with the people I love.

But we're moving in the spring. In May we all move together to a brand new apartment just three houses down from our Albert street shanty. I'm sure that place will become home too because we'll all be together. Of course I'll miss this place and the mice, the creaky floors, the dust, the washing machine that doesn't work and the never-ending pile of dishes. But at least the best part of the house is moving with me.

One of the things that scares me the most is the big blank space after Laurier is over. Each of my roommates is headed in a different direction; grad school for economics, sex therapy, chartered accounting, medicine and me with my Psych degree that I don't know what to do with. Who will live with me? Each of us is going somewhere different. We'll all scatter, but I can't imagine living somewhere without them. No other roommates could ever measure up. I can't even bear the thought.

So all there is to do at this point of course, is to enjoy myself and the time my roommates and I have together. There's nothing else I can do. But there will always that fear in the back of my mind about what will happen once this is all over. Life itself doesn't scare me, just that I'll lose the bonds we've made. I've never felt this close or comfortable with anyone before, and I don't want it to ever go away.

"Never leave me."
"You're the love of my life, of course I'll never leave."

I didn't choose this role, but I'll play it. I was cast onto an stage of pretence, ignorance and false promises where the characters never remove their disguises. No one thinks the faces underneath could beautiful too. To be genuine is a sin, so I'll settle into the role I was given. Feigned ignorance is bliss.

So tell me what I want to hear and I'll try to believe you. Pretend, and I'll play along. But don't break character. Do, and I'll fall to pieces.

Disclaimer: I'm Bitter

[Disclaimer: I know lately my entries have been overly guy-related and incredibly bitter. This one is no better. My entries make me look like a cynical man-hater but I just write what I'm feeling at the moment, and lately I've been feeling like a cynical man-hater. I promise you, I will lighten-up my entries once I get out of my exam slump and have more interesting material to write about.]

I don't have a lot of experience dating. I only date guys I really like, and they seem to be very few and far between these days. When I actually start to date someone I really like, it never works out for whatever bullshit reason. I do, however, have lots of experience with guys who don't want to date me.

1) The I-just-want-to-sleep-with-you Guy. This is the most common category in my experience. These are the guys you meet at the bar in polo shirts with a beer in their hand. They enjoy one night stands, hair gel and grinding your ass on the dance floor. Usually they can't dance and just make attempts to have sex with you right there, through your clothes. This type is easy to spot because they make blatant attempts to take you home to the "party at my house after the bar" (there is never a real party) and sometimes they even ask if you'll sleep with them out-right (one guy asked me in Italian, not knowing I understood him. Funny story.) This breed is very determined but not entirely dangerous. Usually an obvious "get away from me you psycho" or "I have a boyfriend" will halt their efforts. And if you do decide that he might actually be a nice guy and give him your number he'll never call because you're not the type of girl that will put-out right away. These guys are also never good in bed, so going home with them will only result in sexual unsatisfaction and disappointment.

2) The I'm-still-getting-over-my-ex-girlfriend Guy. A rare breed and the most dangerous, these guys are recovering from a serious break-up. The longer the relationship was, the more dangerous this type is. They are usually very nice, very charming and very good kissers so it is easy to get fooled into liking them. The reason this type is so dangerous is that you'll really start to like them but despite your best efforts they wont want to get involved. They got their heart broken by the Ex and wont let you get close enough to break it again. They are on high defensive alert. As soon as it starts to get a little bit serious you get "it's just not working out" or "I don't want a girlfriend right now" or "you're a nice girl, lets stay friends." You're the rebound girl. It really doesn't matter how much he likes you, its never going anywhere except to shit. So if he says he's had a really serious relationship in the recent past, just say no.

3) The I-just-want-to-be-friends Guy. I've only come across this type once or twice in my life, but they can be even more dangerous than the I'm-still-getting-over-my-ex-girlfriend guy. This is because you're already emotionally involved with him... you love him as a friend. The problem arises when you start to develop a crush on him but he doesn't see you that way. This type enjoys long talks about other girls, cuddling and telling you how great you are. Follow one (of the many) cardinal rules of dating: Friends should stay friends. If he wants to be more than friends, he'll tell you. Or jump you. Either way, you'll know. Don't risk the friendship just because you're horny, it's not worth it.

Of course not everyone fits into these three categories, and there are those guys that actually do want a serious relationship (I've never come across one, but I hear they're out there.)

Oh God, someone save me from my cynicism... now.

The Future, Cabooses and the Colour Pink

I was talking to a friend the other day about the future. She knows what her starting salary will be coming out of University and where she'll be working. She knows who she's going to marry and how many kids they'll have. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow.

I honestly have no clue what I want to do once I graduate, and I'm happier that way. I'm glad I'm not one of those people who knows everything about themselves ten years from now. How incredibly boring to already know exactly where your life is headed and what the future holds. For me, everyday is exciting because I have no idea what will happen. Really, my options are endless. Some people may see this lack of planning as flighty or irresponsible, but I don't think I could live any other way. How stressful life would be to always be reaching for some distant goal and constantly looking to the future to see your life. What about today? It is a strong asset to have goals for your life and to work towards achieving them, but only to an extent and only for some people. An ultimate goal, like becoming a psychologist or a financial accountant, really isn't necessary. I have plenty of goals. Right now, my goal is to graduate from University with a degree in psychology. After I've achieved that, I'll set a new goal. I don't know what it is yet but that doesn't really matter, does it? Live life in the present, because most of the time your future plans get fucked up anyways. By not having any, you'll never be disappointed with how your life turns out.
__________

Quote of the day from 3 year old Abigail:

"I'm not the caboose today."
"Yes, you're always the caboose. You're a very important part of the train."
"But I'm not a train, I'm a girl."
__________

Pink on a male is everything that is wrong with society today. There are several very complicated reasons for this that I will attempt to explain.

Firstly, men would never wear pink under normal circumstances. That would be the very last colour of shirt they would choose from an array, yet you see them more and more frequently. This is because American Eagle, The Gap and Old Navy got together one day and said, "Hey, pink hasn't been in style for awhile. Lets make pink cool!" So they started making men's shirts in this girlie shade and selling them in their stores as a trendy new look. Since we're obviously all lemmings, men started buying and wearing these shirts. They thought they would either a) attract females by wearing the newest trend or b) make themselves look prettier. Pretty in Pink. When I see a man in pink, I immediately decide he is a brainless, can't-think-for-himself, city boy. Which brings me to my second point.

Why isn't it ok for a man to wear a colour that is associated with being girlie? What is so terrible about simply wearing one of the colours that occurs naturally on the planet earth? Our society breeds manly men, and anyone who displays even a tiny ounce of femininity is a pussy. It's so hard for men to balance what women want from them and what other men expect from them. Women want a macho exterior with a sensitive inside, and other men expect promiscuity and a callous inside. No feelings allowed. If he spends more time with his girlfriend, suddenly he's whipped. It couldn't possibly be because he loves her and wants to spend time with her. Is there a happy medium between macho and feminine, or rather should there be a happy medium? Wear pink if you want to, it's a nice colour. And fall in love, I hear it's great.

(But really, don't wear pink.)
__________

A Last Glance

Have you ever said goodbye to someone knowing it was the last time you'd ever see them? A final farewell, a last glance, a photograph in your mind of how they looked as they walked away from you for the last time. I have two...

I thought at the time it would be a while before I saw him again, but then the unthinkable happened and I knew I already had my last glance. I ran into him on the street outside the high school. It was a smiling wide, running, jumping into his arms moment.
"I miss you!! Why haven't you called?!?!"
"I miss you too and I don't have your number, stupid!"
He was in school, he loved it, he bought a new green bike with shocks. We promised to never let that much time pass between visits again. That summer was the worst summer of my life (S.H.)

I knew when he didn't kiss me goodbye. After a tumultuous night with tears and no sleep and police cars he didn't kiss me. My second boyfriend, my first love. I knew it was over even though I didn't know why, it was just a matter of time. Watching him drive away, I saw in his eyes that he was catching a last look of me too. Together watching the distance between our bodies grow apart, time slowed down just enough for us to capture that moment as the end of an era (S.M.R.)

Dislike by Definition

To Dislike Someone Through Association: When you meet someone, but haven't spent enough time with them in order to say you like them or not. Then you hear rumours from someone that this is not a nice person and all of a sudden you start to notice they're a little bit rude, they talk about themselves too much, they kind of snubbed you a bit there. Suddenly someone who should have gotten a fair chance is labeled unfairly because of a bad rumour.

To Dislike Someone Through Spite: When you initially meet someone and are in competition with them for something. It could be grades, it could be that you want the same boy/girl, it could be anything really. They are fighting for the same thing you want, and you hate that. Suddenly someone who could have been a very nice person under different conditions is labeled unfairly.

Neither of these situations applies here.

I'm screaming and scratching inside, but my outside is cool and collected. I feel like I'm constantly holding my breath, and one of these days my screams of frustration will burst out of my lungs. Manipulative people are hard to see through, but come on people! Am I the only person who sees the giant rattlesnake in the room?

What do you do when someone you love loves someone you hate?

Lately I've been to busy to feel it, but my heart hurts. When I have a minute to sit with myself it pangs me. A dull ache. Loneliness is tangible and uncircumstantial. Anyone can feel it at any point, there's no discrimination between quantity or quality of relationships.

I've never felt this way before.
I never want to stop kissing you.
I want you.
I miss you.
I love you.
I could wake up next to you every day for the rest of my life and be happy.

Every girl has a bank in her memory of all the significant romantic moments in her life. We bank them like little treasures, and when we're feeling lonely we take them out and awe at their prettiness. Usually its a lift, but they all look like empty words to me now. Empty like me. All these boys are gone from my life, and all that's left are words hanging in the air.

In this world there are so many girls and so few princes.

Baaaa.

The ignorance of some people astounds me. I guess living in our society doesn't exactly require the most free-thinking and analytical of minds. Maybe waking up blissful every morning is worth being herded with the rest of the sheep, but I'll never know. I left the flock a long time ago.

I attend one of the leading academic institutions in Ontario, yet I feel like a hippie in sheep's clothing. There's so much going on on the planet, I don't want to be suffocating in my little Laurier bubble anymore. Everyone is so preoccupied with grades and friends and beer that they forget why they're really here. To better themselves and explore the depths of their intelligence. I want to learn, to explore, to be passionate and to protest when there's an injustice. No one here cares that the U.S. is torturing prisoners of war. No one knows why the government criminalizes some actions and not others. No one reads the paper anymore. When did University life lose it's real-world intelligence? I cant talk to my friends about the ridiculousness of drug laws or other political issues that affect them because they don't know... or maybe they don't care. The real issues in life have lost their importance and the mundane, irrelevant issues have taken over. Cute outfit! Lets go drinking! Whats up with Nick and Jessica? Who gives a shit! What about the fact that Bush is racist? That he takes away civil liberties because of his personal beliefs? That listening to him speak kills brain cells?

Maybe we're too lazy to take action as North Americans because we live so comfortably. We're thinkers, not do-ers. We can say, "aww, that's a tragedy," but when asked to help we're too selfishly wrapped up in our own existence to do so. But what can we do? you ask. In the larger sense, I honestly don't know. At least acknowledge that you're a moronic sheep and try to break free from the herd. I don't like where we're being herded, and I'd rather take hold of my own destiny.

We need something to get us angry enough so we'll jump off our lazy-boy sofas and make change.

This Week

Sometimes when I'm stressed or feeling overwhelmed I'll smoke a cigar by myself. It seems like a silly thing to do, but it gives me the feeling that I'm doing something naughty that no one knows about. I feel like a badass without actually being one and destroying my lungs and other organs. I honestly feel like a rebel when I'm out there on my front porch at 2am by myself with a colts. Its a temporary break from reality, a break from the self that is supposed to be well behaved, hard working and disciplined.
__________

Tell me you need me. Tell me I'm the one. Tell me there's no one like me in your world. Tell me you want me now, and why haven't we done this sooner. Tell me no one compares to me.

I need you.
__________

Everyone gets one day a year where they are reminded of the people who love them. Sometimes we forget that we're deeply loved by more people than just our parents, and that this world would be more grey for them without you in it. Yesterday I received 10 birthday cards, 22 birthday messages, 5 phone calls, jewelry, clothes and the most delicious chocolate fudge birthday cake I've ever tasted. In my birthday selfishness I decided I wanted to go to a Latin salsa club even though none of my friends know how to salsa dance, yet 16 people came and 3 more met up with us there. You know you have friends who love you when they'll dance the Merengue for your birthday.
__________

Snow is my favourite weather. The light changes when it snows and we're reminded that winter isn't just a season, it's a spectrum.
__________

I've proven to myself what I didn't even know was possible. I pulled two all-nighters in a row. Which means within the span of 48hours I slept a total of about 6 hours. The recommended amount of sleep in that span is 16 hours. How is it that I pulled no all-nighters in first or second year, but now every time I have a major assignment due I put it off until my only option is sacrificing sleep to complete it?
__________

"Will you marry me?
"Yes."
"No really, I want to marry you sometime in the future."
"I know."
"Will you marry me next week?"
"Yes."
__________

In the Waiting Line

Waiting for something to happen. I'm wasting time, sitting around, thinking about what I could be doing, dreaming. I've said this before, yet I'm still just sitting here. I feel like I could go stagnant, fade away, dissolve into dust and the world would stay the same. I have no real mission, no supreme goal, no life defining purpose.

I day dream a lot. I think that if you're content with your life, there should be no need to daze off and imagine what could be because you'd already have it. Hence my concern. I'm constantly staring into space, letting my eyes glass over and my mind race with all the other things I could be doing. Maybe I'm just jaded, but isn't that sad? 20 years old and a cynic.

School doesn't last forever, and I know that it should ultimately lead me to a career that I will enjoy. However, right now I'm bored with my life and with school. I love psychology, but I want to do it. No more talking about it, it's theories and what other people have done. I want to do something purposeful. Right now we're in the space between school and life, waiting for our careers to start. I hate the waiting feeling, but it's funny how students are used to waiting in line for everything: Our food, our textbooks, course changes, OSAP. School in itself is a wait period, until we're ready for a career. But is that the end? Will we be finished waiting once we settle into our respective jobs, start earning a decent wage and benefits, get a house and a dog? We're all in a figurative waiting line... what are we waiting for, and how long before we reach it?

The laws of physics can be applied to life: Equal and opposite forces. Apply force to your life and the universe will reciprocate. I need a change, I need to apply force but where, when and how? I don't know what I can do to make myself less jaded and to induce change. I feel stuck when I should be on top of the world. Isn't that sad? 20 years old and a pessimist.

I'd sleep with you, but I might throw up

I admit that when I drink it's usually a lot and it's usually to run away from my problems. The only fault in this seemingly flawless plan is that my problems instead end up streaming out of me in full force. I feel like the hottest thing around, but really I'm making an ass of myself infront of everyone. Usually this doesn't bother me much because I don't remember half the stupid things I do. But last night I had a revelation after I made my friends victims of my drunkenness. The regrets I have about things my drunk alter-ego said and did overshadowed the fun parts of the night. Does this mean I'm growing out of the habit of drowning my stress in a bottle of whisky? I like having a good time but it's always the same thing... we pre-drink, we go the the bar and drink, then we dance and make fools of ourselves. I know almost every bar in Waterloo inside out. There are other things to do in this city that I want to explore before I leave in a couple years.

Self-Censorship

Lets say all the things we're afraid to say. I edit myself around people. I preview what I'm about to say in my own head, cut it down to a shallow version of what I really feel, and censor it for content that could possibly get me hurt. I'm the worst when it comes to self-censorship. I'm upfront about everything except the things that make me feel vulnerable. Sometimes I bottle in certain things to the point where I might burst. Why am I so afraid of my own words? Words can change the world, and I'm scared that my world will change for the worse. I'm always so afraid of getting hurt, it's getting in the way of what I want. It's getting in the way of me.

Lets do all the things we're afraid to do. Why is there a hesitation when we approach certain situations? I have a fear that if I'm too confident in doing something, I'll get hurt. Doing what I really want scares me so much, because there's a possibility of losing something. That's probably why I don't gamble. I'll either lose everything or gain everything when I roll the dice, and I'm not brave enough to take the risk. What I really want is in my reach... I can almost touch it. Why wont I take that extra step?

I'm so afraid of getting hurt that I don't realize I'm already hurting. I'm hurting by holding everything in, by holding back and by editing me. I don't have the confidence that things wont change for the worse, but I cant keep things in much longer. I feel like I'll burst one of these days and bits of me will go flying for everyone to see. Which is worse; to stay as I am and keep things the same, or to take the plunge with the risk of turning my world upside down? How badly could things change by saying a few little words?

Constellations

My dad tried his best to educate us on the constellations. I know names and locations of the important stars like Vega, Archterous and Deneb (which was going to be my name if I was a boy, not according to my mother.) I was also repeatedly corrected when referring to a shooting star because, "It's a meteor, there's no such thing as a shooting star." Now, when I say to my friends, Hey, did you see that meteor? they have no clue what I'm talking about. I know the summer sky better than the winter sky, because we'd stargaze at my cottage in the summer. The winter sky was saved for my dad's telescope, which he built himself from materials like old seatbelts and construction paper. He used to have to lift me to see through the eye piece, and I had no idea what I was looking at half the time.

It's funny how knowledge gets passed down like that. Little things like making grilled cheese, folding laundry, brushing your teeth... they're constant. You forget that you had to learn them from someone in the first place.

"It was just another night

with a sunset and a moonrise not so far behind

to give us just enough light to lay down underneath the stars

listen to all the translations of the stories across the sky

we drew our own constellations"

-J.J.

I've missed more classes than I've gone to this week. I did a tally, and if I go to one of my classes tomorrow it'll be a tie. I'm going to try to go to both... keeping my fingers crossed.
________

My rat has been in a pissy mood lately. She bites at me, runs in circles, jumps around the chamber hanging onto anything she can grab and runs into walls. She's even chasing her own tail with such force that she'll bite it, then snap at me because she's hurt. I dread going in to the lab to do sessions now. I used to love it! She's one of the smart lab rats. Now she just scares me.... kind of like the real Elizabeth Taylor.
________

"I'm sorry. That was rude, it's just that I know how amazing and special you are that no girl will ever be good enough for you."
"Can you think of one?"
"No, I really can't." In my mind..."I compare every girl to myself. No one has a chance."
________

It snowed today, and I missed it! The first snow of the year, and I'm still in bed pressing the snooze button every 5 minutes. Why didn't someone tell me! I've never missed the first snowfall before. The only way I'll feel better is if we get a foot of snow over night so I can go skiing tomorrow. Yes it could happen, don't squash my dreams.
________

I've decided the following... a) I like being single, b) No guy is good enough for me anyways, and c) If I get really lonely, I can always crawl into bed with one of my roommates or my vibrator. Not both you pervert.
________

Sunny Days

What makes me miss summer the most are the sunny days. When the sun is out but it's too cold to feel it... sunshine is wasted on cold days like this. There's nothing like like lying in the hot sand and feeling the sun warm your skin. Mmmmm.

I have one regret about this summer. I didn't spend enough time at my cottage to keep me sane. I've come to realize that there is no other place that makes me as happy as that beach, that house, that exact location on the planet earth. I need to spend significant time there to maintain some level of sanity. I didn't do that this summer. Weekends were spent in Toronto, in Waterloo, in the city, drinking, partying, doing nothing. Why would I waste my time in the smog when I could be soaking in the warm rays on my beach? Regrets.

We have home videos of when I was 4, in my yellow bikini and pigtails running in and out of the lake with a blue plastic bucket. When I was 7, building a dam across the stream with our neighbours and squealing with excitement when it broke and a torrent of water came rushing at us. When I was 12, building sandcastles. Playing volleyball at 15. I can trace my life on that beach.

Summer is officially gone, and the sunshine is now wasted on cold and windy days. Time to change gears.

Tidal Wave

I don't have enough drama in my life. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just floating through with no genuine tears, no gut-wrenching passions and no way of feeling really alive. I'm in a rut. I need a change... something big that will yank me out of this melancholy. All I do is eat, sleep and study. Sure I have amazing friends and other little hobbies, but nothing that's enough to fill the void that's meant for feeling alive. Right now I'm in limbo, like a ghost. Floating.

Strangely, what's helped me come to this realization is my constant habit of sleeping in. I've never been a morning person, but I've usually made it up for that important class or work. Not lately. I have to set three alarms, and in my sleep I turn them all off and crawl back into bed. Is this just because I'm not getting enough sleep? No, I'm getting plenty of that. It's because there's nothing worth getting out of bed for anymore. I'd rather sleep than be awake, alive and enjoying the day. I feel terribly pathetic, but it couldn't be more true. What is there to wake up for? All of my answers are obligatory ones: Class, studying, talking to friends, working out. None of these things really get me excited about being awake and alive. Yes, I love my friends more than anything, but even they can't pull me out of this deep rut I've fallen into. I need a change, a tidal wave. Something to remind me that I'm here to enjoy life and that all the little things add up to something bigger than me.

Maybe this is just a mood I'll come out of tomorrow, maybe it'll take longer. But maybe I really do need a tidal wave to carry me away for a little while.

Crushing

I love having crushes. Its all about uncertainty, new opportunities, the possibility for romance and a fresh start. And when they give you that smile, oh the butterflies! But after having a crush for a while, it gets old... just smiling at each other isn't enough. There has to be a change. A crossroads per say, where you discover that it's a mutual crush and they give you your first kiss at midnight, on the front porch, midsentence... or you discover through a friend of a friend that they're seeing someone else or even worse, that they just don't like you back. A crossroads where you have the possibility for a relationship, or you move on to the next one. I've officially been in the grey area for too long! Eventually, I've got to know... do you crush me too?

My Other Family

The thing about my roommates is that we really are like a family. We can sleep together and it wont be at all weird. We can see each other in our underwear and not think twice. We can cry together laugh together and just be ourselves together. We can talk about anything, we don't judge and we really do love each other. They say that love can grow simply from being in close proximity to someone all the time, which is true with us, but I think its more than that. These people are the most genuine, kind, funny, intelligent and interesting people I've ever known. These people are my family, not blood but that's an advantage I think. We chose to be together from the beginning because we got along and somewhere along the line our relationship turned into more than just friends. This is my other family.

An Unforgettable Night

A really great night, the unforgettable kind, is never planned. It has to be one of those nights you expect will be spent in your sweatpants watching reruns of CSI. If you try to plan a great night, it usually ends up being the kind where all your plans fall through and you wallow in self-pity about how your friends are unreliable and life sucks. A truly memorable night is the kind that has you saying to your friends months later, "Remember that one night when (insert crazy random happening here) happened? That was CRAZY!" I had one of those nights last night...

I was planning to go out with my friends Saturday night after my shift ended, but all of them ended up bailing saying they wouldn't wait for me and I couldn't get into any bars that late anyways. So for the rest of my shift I was cranky and thinking only about reheating that spinach dip for a snack when I got home. Just when I was getting depressed about my pathetic life, my friends came to visit me falling all over themselves drunk and dressed for the bar saying, "Emily, I looove you!!! Come to the bar!" After they left, me promising to meet them there, my roommates came (looking hotter than ever) to visit me too. They were going to wait for my shift to end so they could take me home, dress me, feed me shots then take me out. Then, right before I was about to leave my best friend calls saying she got all of us on guest list at the busiest bar in town and that we should leave now before it closes.

At this point in the the story I would like to say that I have the best and most thoughtful friends in the world. Yes, they are better than your friends so don't bother arguing.

Anyways, after being fed countless polar bear shots by my girlfriends we ended up at the bar with the angry-looking bouncer telling us the guest list was full, he was sorry (I knew he really wasn't.) We headed to the next bar where the line was too long and we were too drunk, so we finally ended up going to the "semi-empty but we were didn't really care at this point" bar. After being chased by a scary looking guy with a skeleton mask and a permanent marker all night we left for home. There was some nudity, more drinks, and incriminating photos before we ended up in bed. That is, everyone ended up in my bed. I think at one point there were eight people in my double which is barely big enough for two people most of the time. Don't ask how this happened, I don't remember. Regardless, we all slept together cuddling and spooning and talking and holding hands. The eight people slowly dwindled to six, to five, to three then around 6am I finally had the bed to myself (to my dismay.)

Regardless, this whole long story has two morals. The first being that you can't plan a great night, It just has to happen. It has to be improvised, adjusted and sometimes made up as you go along. The second is that you need to have fantastic, thoughtful and loving friends. A great night starts with the people you're with.

And I couldn't be surrounded by better people.

I Need to Dance

I need to dance, I'm going absolutely batty! I teach every Saturday and any minute I have the studio empty I use to my advantage, but it's not the same. I want someone to push me, to teach me, to make me sweat, to help me beat out stress with my body. It's unreal how intense dancing can get; I've cried on stage, I've bled and I've sweat. You feel totally satisfied and energized after a good class or a good performance, and I cant get that same exhilarated feeling anywhere else. It's like a drug. I'm addicted to the adrenaline from dancing, and am going through withdrawal. It's better than chocolate, it's better than sex. You can elicit any emotion you want from dancing; euphoria, depression, anger, frustration. It makes you feel elegant, sexy, intimidating, powerful, beautiful, vulnerable. I need to dance.

"Consider everyday lost in which you have not danced at least once."
-Nietzsche

The Birth and Death of Jarrod

"I really like him."
"He's very good looking..."
"And charming. It's too bad he has a girlfriend. I'm confused though, 'cause I think he likes me too."
"What makes you think that?"
"He never talks about his girlfriend and he's always gazing at me and stuff. I like the attention, but do I want to be hanging around with someone who would do that behind his girlfriends back?"
"I wish I had dilemma's like yours."

___________


"I went to a psychic today."
"Why?"
"I'm really confused about what I want and I thought she could help."
"Why are you confused?"
"Well, you and I have this chemistry that's undeniable but I still care about my girlfriend."
"I like you too."
"You're so sexy."
"What did the psychic say?"
"I'm not telling."

___________


"I broke up with her."
"You did?"
"Ya. She took it pretty hard."
"How are you?"
"Bad."

___________


"He's a bad kisser."
"You kissed him!?!?"
"Ya. And I totally wasn't feeling it at all. I'm not attracted to him like before. Now everytime I talk to him, he says something stupid and gets me mad and we fight. We fight all the time."
"That's too bad 'cause you really liked him. Are you sure?"
"Ya. He's definitely really dumb."

___________


"I think we should just be friends."
"Can I just say something?"
"Sure."
"You're the most amazing girl I've ever known. We had a connection the moment we met, and I like you more and more everyday. You're intelligent and beautiful and you have no idea how sexy you are which makes you even more sexy."
"Thanks."
"Are you sure you don't want to be fuck buddies?"
"Oh ya, I'm sure."

___________


"So you've made up your mind then, huh?"
"Not until this very moment."
"In that case, I'll never forget you. Can I ask you one last question?"
"Sure."
"Can you send me that picture of you, me and Amber?"
"That's the last thing you wanted to ask me? Are you kidding?"
"I like that picture."

___________


"Why are you getting so worked up? We just have different opinions, that's all."
"When you say that you hate every kid under the age of 14, that's not an opinion, its a stereotype. How can you hate every child? Have you met them all?"
"I'm just saying that kids these days don't know how to respect their elders. They could all use a smack across the head. And I don't hate every kid, my cousins are cool."
"So basically the kids you know are ok, but every other child should be beaten."
"Don't twist my words! Kids nowadays don't know how to respect their elders. They need to be taught, and I'm just saying that giving the bad ones a good smacking couldn't hurt."
"I cant believe you, honestly. You are a fucking moron! I cant talk to you anymore, this is such a waste of my time."

___________

Why do I folly when it comes to relationships? Just when I start dating someone, begin feeling comfortable and think it's starting to go somewhere it ends. Am I alone here? It seems like every one of my friends has had at least one serious, meaningful relationship in their lives: Why did I get the short end of the stick? I cringe when I talk to people and they say something like, "Ya, my first relationship ended after only 8 months, but my current boyfriend and I are having our 2 year anniversary next week!!" Gag me. I've never made it past the 2 month mark.

I'm starting to think it's me. I'm attracted to the kinds of guys who don't want a serious relationship. Rather, I'm attracted to certain qualities and most of them are found in the typical, single, non-committal male. Take that Freud! I've compiled a list...

1) Sociability. I'm attracted to guys with a lot of friends, who can carry a conversation and who are overtly friendly.

2) Flirtatiousness. When I'm dating someone, I tend to take the backseat and let the guy do all the work. The types of guys who rise up to the challenge tend to have experience dating, and aren't afraid to openly flirt and let me know what they want. I need to know if he's into me, and nice guys are too... well... nice about it! Don't get me wrong I like nice guys, but it never gets anywhere because I wont initiate anything.

3) Independence. This is a biggy. Guys who are single and not looking for a serious relationship are the ones who look the most independent and in control of their lives. They're strong and self-sufficient, and to me there's isn't a quality more attractive than self-sufficiency.

4) Confidence. That's another thing about nice guys. They tend to be modest about themselves or shy, and that bores me. I'm attracted to guys who are self-assured and who are not necessarily going to give up after their first try with me. They need to know what they want.

Obviously there are other qualities that attract me (like intelligence and kindness), but the latter are the most visible and therefore the first thing I begin to like about someone. The thing is too, that I don't see any way around this dilemma... I cant just change who I'm attracted to. It sucks when you're a nice girl who wants a nice boy, because there's about a one in a million chance of finding each other. This is why nice guys finish last.

I Miss You

I missed you today. I was thinking about your laugh. Your smile would spread all the way across your face and you wouldn't make a sound... you'd just turn red and shake uncontrollably until you were on the floor in stiches. Your humour was so crude... you knew exactly how to get a rise out of us. Everything was funny when we were together.

We used to sit drinking coffee and eating cookies and making fun of cheesy radio jingles until school called us back. You'd make fun of my laugh, but I liked it. You'd make fun of my jokes, but I'd smile and giggle and hit you. You had a way of making me feel playful without the immaturity. You had a way of making me feel pretty without the romance. Why couldn't you have found some way to deal with everything? How did life get so bad that it came to this?

You missed your 21st birthday. We had it anyways, at your place with a barbecue and cake and balloons. Everyone wrote a message on the balloons for you and we sent them off after the party. Your parents miss you a lot. They missed us too.

When it gets really bad, I find myself asking why. When my mom first told me, that's what I asked over and over and over as I curled up into a little ball and cried. Why? I suppose I'll never get an answer. That's the one thing that keeps me unsettled about you. Still, after more than a year... I miss you.

The Smell of Fall

There's something about the smell of fall that makes me happy. As far back as I can remember it's had an effect on me. I've noticed that the other seasons all smell the same, it's just fall that smells different. Fall smells like Halloween, like raking leaves, carving pumpkins, like mittens and scarves, apple cider and wool socks, fires in the fire place, rosy cheeks and runny noses. The thing about this smell is that it finds you wherever you are. Even here in the city. Take a deep breath and you can smell the leaves changing colour.

We played outside all the time when I was a kid, and fall marked the very exciting period of time when the yard had to be raked. That's one of the advantages of living a rural childhood; outside chores are fun. We would gather all our friends together and move from house to house in the neighbourhood raking leaves, jumping in them and raking them up again. We came home at dinner time with leaves in our hair and the sniffles from being outside.

I wish I could play like I used to.

To-Do

I have probably the longest to-do list of anyone. The sad thing about this list is that most of these things I will never get around to doing. The kinds of things on my list make you say, "I'd like to do that when I have time," or "I'll get around to that someday." Thats what makes me the most sad about life... that we never have enough time to do things that we want to do. Why are we so obligated to follow the plan of go to school, work, get married, have kids then retire and die? I know that in Canada and most of the rest of the world you cant live comfortably without money, and you cant get money without working for it. But why settle into the same, monotonous routine of work-retire-die? When is there time for living? After we retire? In between board meetings and casual Fridays?

Sometimes I feel like I should make my life a continuous vacation. Get a job just long enough to make enough money for a nice, long holiday... then quit. After my vacation, I'll get another job and repeat until I've had enough or until I've died, as happy as a lamb. Yes, I'm a wishful thinker and no I'll never really make my life a continuous vacation. However, my life is just that. Mine. Do I really want to spend it working for someone else, or even working at all?

Here are some things on my to-do list...

1. Visit my each of my grandparents hometowns
2. Learn to drive a stick
3. Live in another country long enough to learn the language
4. Learn to surf like a pro
5. Be a lounge singer
6. See Morocco
7. Be proposed to
8. Learn to sail
9. Go water skiing
10. Record a song
11. See the pyramids

And that's not even scratching the surface.

Are we destined to a life of monotony or is there a way out? I refuse to just follow the cattle to the proverbial slaughter house.

Therapy

"Just talk to him or write him an e-mail or something."
"I can't. I'm shy."
"No you're not."
"Yes I am. I'm shy."
"No, you're fake shy."
"What does that even mean?"
"It means you pretend to be shy in intimidating situations as an excuse for fear. So people won't know you're actually afraid. It's a defense mechanism."
"No. That's not it... I'm just shy."

__________

"I love him, but I want him to date other people. That way, when he gets back, he'll know what he was missing and he can learn to love my flaws and accept me for who I am."
"Or the opposite could happen."
"What?"
"He could realize that you're not meant for each other and find his soulmate isn't you."
"Right. That too."

__________

"We got in another fight."
"What about?"
"The same thing."
"Well, you need to decide whether you're getting something out of this relationship that's worth constantly fighting for."
"I know."
"So...?"
"I don't know."

__________

"Are you back together?"
"No. We're trying to be just friends."
"Are you having sex?"
"Ya..."
"I don't have sex with my friends."

__________

Fairies and Farmers

Jealousy is probably the worst physical feeling in the world, other than period cramps or indigestion. It hits you in the pit of your stomach, strains your nerves and makes you feel guilty all at the same time. I'm not really a jealous person, but sometimes I get that feeling toward weird things... like if someone I don't like gets better than me on a test, or if one of my roommates is getting laid and I'm not. I think that comes from doing dance competitions... "How come THEY get to be fairies and WE have to be farmers?"

I pity little girls who get unfortunate dance costumes. That's a lifelong emotional scar waiting to happen.

We're Getting Old

I was thinking today about getting older. I'm 20, turning 21 next month. My parents told me that they consider 21 to be a true adult and will thus unofficially "set me free." Meaning nothing in the official sense... I'll still be receiving rent checks and grocery money regularly. But the fact that my own parents consider me to be an adult is kinda scary... parents are like your childhood touchstone. Then I got to thinking about graduation. I'm graduating in about a year and a half and am supposed to get a job. A REAL job... what the hell is that!?!? What am I supposed to do with myself? Get an apartment, work full-time, become a 9-to-5er ? I don't see that for myself in only a year and a half! But at the same time, I've grown up so much in the past two years here that maybe I'll be ready by the time I'm out...

Hopefully by then I'll figure out what I wanna do with my life.

I think once you get older, and you've figured out who you are exactly you can truly begin to live your life and enjoy it. Over the years, I've become more settled in who I am, and have learned to enjoy myself. I love the fact that I hate green peppers, refuse to wear brand names and can't for the life of me play tennis. I think you also become more relaxed about life. Some people are so uptight that they're always searching for something better. My friend Ryan even said today that he's noticed that none of our group of girl friends complain about their bodies anymore. Even two years ago, that was one of the main things we'd talk about was our jiggly bellies or thunder thighs. Now, I cant be in the same room as one of those girls without getting the urge to throw something at them. Lets finally get around to living our lives people! No more waiting around for something better to come around or until you've gone to the gym enough to get Gwen's abs. Not gonna happen... so sorry...

that's another thing... I think self confidence has a lot to do with age. Over time little things about yourself that you used to hate become a part of who you are. For example...

1) My stomach. It still bothers me sometimes, but I think having a little belly is sexy. Besides, it's mine. No one can take it from me.

2) The fact that I've never had a serious boyfriend. I admire that I can be so particular about who I want. I deserve the best and I wont settle for anything less.

3) My reverse affinity to sports. That's right... I have NO sports skills, and I've realized that it's because I spent all my time in dance class. So now I can do the splits and up to 15 foute turns in a row. What can you do? Hit a ball with a stick? That's special.

I'm a very confident person. It used to be a very rare quality, but as my friends and I grow older I can see more and more of us learning to really love who we've become.

I like that.

So I've decided to start a blog. It may surprise a lot of people, but not me... I'm pretty self-involved. Not in the bad way, where everything is about me and I think I'm better than everyone else. More like, I spend so much time with me that it's almost inevidable to become over-involved in my own life. How could I not? I'm with me 24/7... in fact I think if you like yourself it's your fate to become self-involved.

So this is the direct result of self-love I guess you could say. And a good way to record my thoughts, because I'm too lazy to keep a journal. Besides, journals are tacky.

Anyways, I'll post a more interesting blog when I get the chance.