The knot was gone. Only for half a second, but that's enough to know it wont happen again. Not with you. So leave if you want. Walk away with that guilty hunch and your hands in your pockets. You always blame yourself, and then never look back.

Welcome to Miami

I'm baaaaack!

Such a great trip, as expected. And now that I'm so greatly relaxed and tanned and de-stressed I can go back to the world of essays and assignments and class (minus that last one. I never go anyways.) I'd enlighten you to the weight of my workload if I didn't think your brain would explode from the magnitude of it all, and implode from the monotony. That's right, you would implode and explode at the same time. It's that bad.

Let's get to the point.

The trip was fantastic. Miami is one of those places you'd think was specifically created for young people because of the crazy night life, yet there are so so many elderly living there. Our condo consisted of wrinkly old people, and us. That is all. And those dumb asses from Wisconsin, but I'll explain that later.

So this is our lovely condo at 5005 Colins Ave. There was a bus station right across the street which made it so easy for Lay and I to travel around and see the sights. We took the bus every day to Lincoln Road, to Bayside or South Beach. There was so much to see, and we actually managed to fit it all in within the small time frame we had.

So we left at 4am from my house for the airport in Toronto and didn't get in to Miami until about 2pm. We were so excited the night before that Lay and I only had an hour of sleep that night. Needless to say we were exhausted. Luckily it started raining before we could consider going to the beach, so we napped. For four hours. I know.

That night Lay's parents took us out for dinner at this great place on Lincoln road. This was the only time during our trip that either of us got carded, if you can believe that. And we were with her parents.

After dinner her parents left us and Lay and I walked along Lincoln road for a bit. There are a ton of little shops and cafe's, and we stopped at one for a cocktail. It was a little cigar bar, and here we met our pharmacist friends from New Orleans who wanted to take us skinny dipping. No, we didn't. Do you know me at all? I just made them think they had a chance until I got bored with them, and we left for home.

The next day was spent on the beach, and we burnt ourselves to little crisps. We took pictures of ourselves with our lovely burns, but those will remain in my private collection (because we look like cherry tomatoes. Not sexy.)

That night we went to Bayside to Bongo's which is a classy little Salsa club, and you all know salsaing is one of my passions. There's such a large Latin American culture in Miami. We met people from all over South America at this club. This guy in my picture was from Brazil, but unfortunately he had no idea how to dance. That's me yelling steps into his ear to try to get him to lead me properly.

After the bar we made friends with some homeless people on the bus. Luckily we are super friendly and Canadian, or I believe we'd have been raped and left for death that night. There were so many freaks on the bus, so many people asking for handouts just because of the way we were dressed. They assumed we had money to give away. We made friends with one homeless guy who warned us not to give money to people because they'd use it for crack. Oh, good. Did he know this because he was a crackhead? Hopefully. That would make the story way more interesting.

Here's some lovely scenery for your viewing pleasure. This was across the street from our condo. All the rich and famous park their yachts right by the highway so all the tourists will snap pictures and awe at how fabulous the boats are. Aren't they just fabulous?

We didn't end up going to the Ultra Music Fest after all. I'm not that upset, it would have been really expensive (almost $120 American when you take the whole day into account) and we just wanted to kick back, so we spent the day in South Beach instead. It was super busy because of a music conference that was going on over the course of two weeks or so, and we were catching the tail end of it. I liked South Beach, but it was where all the "beautiful" people spent their time. Lay and I were dressed quite nicely by normal standards, but I felt out of place because I wasn't wearing 8 inch heels and a Gucci bathing suit.

This was our view down the beach as we were tanning on Sunday at Miami beach. The entire coast is lined with hotels and condos and they stretch down for miles and miles. It makes you wonder what the beach looked liked before all the industrialization. There isn't much wildlife now, obviously. And I supposed everyone likes it better that way.

It was pretty quiet on the beach where we were. I thought there would be more people walking by with their stereo's and Dior sunglasses, but I guess our stretch of beach was more for condo owners than spring breakers. I'm glad, though. Lay and I relaxed in the quiet and the sun during the day and went out at night. It was the perfect combination of partying and relaxation for our vacation.

Here you go, as promised. Me in a bikini. Enjoy.

And Lay in the bubbly hot tub. Don't ask where the bubbles came from, I don't really wanna know...















This is my fav pic of Lay. She look about 12 years old with her pigtails and her cutesy towel, I love it.

We took so many bus pictures. There's nothing else to do when you're waiting to get where you're going. This one's my favourite though. This is us on our way to Bayside for dinner on Sunday. We were on the bus for two hours because the traffic was so bad.















After dinner at Bayside on Sunday, we crept over to another salsa club for some dancing. The minute we sat down, these two 40 year old men from Honduras (Abrahim and Carlos) bought us drinks. Abrahim was in love with Lay, and Carlos was loaded. He owned some satellite company that distributes to all of North America or something. They begged us to stay with them and told us they'd buy our drinks for the rest of the night, but it was getting a bit creepy so we left.

But this was Lay's first time salsaing, woo hoo! What a good sport. This guy was from Columbia, I think. I danced with him too, he was pretty good. But he was getting sorta fresh with me towards the end so I had to ditch him.

This is me and Lay after a pitcher of sangria and all those cocktails Carlos and Abrahim bought for us. We are really happy to say the least.

Being paparazzi-ed might have been the highlight of my trip. After the bar we slipped into a private VIP party and got our pictures taken by the paparazzi. Look out for us in Star Weekly as the new party girls on the scene. We celebrated by taking raunchy pictures on the beach of each other, which will also remain in my private collection.

Afterwards we met our stupid Wisconsin friends. Five 19 year olds staying in their parent's condo, and totally dumb. We told them a bunch of silly lies that started out as jokes, but they really believed us so we played along. We live in igloos and Canada doesn't have real cars. Tractors only. And I have 3 kids. Dumb dumb dumb.

This next picture is from our trip to South Beach on Monday. Some lovely classic Hollywood architecture. Gorgeous.



On our last night we headed to Lincoln road again and found a cute little Italian coffee pub. We ordered drinks and gelato (which of course I didn't eat because of lent. I'm such a good girl.)

The next morning we headed off to the airport at 7am. Blah, the end of our trip. But I am glad to be home, traveling is exhausting with the packing and unpacking. And I hate living out of a suitcase. But this trip was exactly what I needed. Just enough booze, just enough sleep and just enough sun to make me sane again. Holla.

So Long Suckas!!

That is correct. I am going on vacation for five days in sunny Miami, Florida with my fabulous girlfriend Alayna. We'll be sunning, funning, drinking, dancing and forgetting about all the school work that awaits us when we get back. March madness hit me hard this year, and I'm still in the backlash. The minute I get back I'll be at the desk writing again, guaranteed. Bullocks. That aside, this vacation is gone kick ass. We're going to the Ultra Music Festival 8 to see Hot Hot Heat, the Killers, Prodigy and many many other fantastic artists and DJs while we're there. This is a much needed break, and long overdue.

So I shan't be seeing you for a couple days. Don't be too sad my puppies, I'll be back before you know it. And a very thorough post with many pictures of bikini clad hotties (a.k.a. me and Lay) is pending. It'll be worth the wait.

Ta.

Frustration and uncertainty in the daylight.

Then the night comes and I remember why we are. I remember why the uncertainty is tolerable. Darkness covers my heart like a warm blanket and quiet calms my tired mind. Your hand is like an anchor as the day drifts away. Stay in the night and drift away with me.

Savour each silent moment, every shift in and out of consciousness, every dream. Our bodies don't exist here, and trust becomes tangible. You trust me, and I believe you. No judgments, no expectations, no obligations.

Lets pretend the day doesn't need us, because I certainly don't need the day.

Loss

"Thanks for putting up with me everyday," you wrote, but it was you that got me through. Everyday we'd laugh, everyday we'd cheat, everyday I'd like you more. I don't even remember why we started talking. You were handsome, you played hockey and you were friends with everyone. So popular. I was awkward and shy and crushed you harder than you ever knew, but you still humoured me. Maybe you were just being nice, but that almost makes it worse.

The other two boys weren't even scratched, with no understandable explanation. No one wants their summer to end with a tragedy, no one wants to hold a vigil on the first day of school, no one wants to think about losing a model student, the most handsome and kind boy I knew.

When I think about you, and I do, I remember how nice you were to me. I was never the pretty girl, but you always made me feel that way. You made me feel like I deserved to know you.
__________

One night. One night spent on the beach just walking and talking was all it took for us to fall hard. I should have let you kiss me, you kept saying how much you wanted to. But I was a good girl then and didn't want to cheat. I wish I had known that night was the only chance I would have with you. Such chemistry in the sand, barefeet digging in and out, hands grazing, eyes catching and locking. After that it was never the same and I always had regrets about you. Then your story ended suddenly, in black and in tears. An only child, a regret, a dream.
__________

I can't remember why we connected, but everyday we spent more and more time together. Third period was devoted to you, then lunches too and after school every Friday night. Pretty soon you were my first really close boy friend. All my friends fell in love with you. You were unpredictable, sarcastic and passionate which I guess explains why you went like you did. It still perplexes me, though. People have a tendency to blame themselves in these situations, and I definitely did. If only I had called, if only I had known. I could have changed your mind. I blamed myself and I blamed you. I called you a selfish son of a bitch. "Why the fuck did you do this to me?" I'd scream at the top of my lungs, choke back my tears and let out every shred of frustration and anger that had built up over my entire life. I've never been so angry as I was with you.

Now I've accepted it as something you had to do. You chose your way, you chose your time and you let everyone know that you loved them. That's more than most get when they go. They usually fight it and we all fear it, but you hit it head on. You took control of your own fate and faced death with your favourite song playing in the background. You were always thrill seeking like that.
__________

Always thinking, never just being

I want to turn it off.

Everyday, every bit of my life goes through an analysis. Making interpretations and predictions. What could happen next? What does this mean? It seems life cannot just be lived, it needs to be understood. Why this deep need to understand every facet of every experience? There aren't answers for everything, and it is the things we don't understand that engulf us and distract us from the pleasure of just being. In this life experience is everything.

Experience only has value because we learn from it, and we only learn from it because we analyze it. So maybe once we've learned enough to get by and are reasonably wise about this life, we can turn off the analysis. Turn off the gears at will and experience life with no predictions or interpretations.

I want desperately to just be. To just live, but I don't know how.

Just when you make me think one thing...

I gave up chocolate for lent, which is funny considering I already gave it up as a new year's resolution. So yes my puppies, that resolution failed miserably. The resolution failed, but I'm on day 10 of lent and doing ok. I'm not doing great. Oh, no. I haven't had a single chip of chocolate for 10 days which is good, but I'm miserable. When I look back, I'd eat it at least once a day. I know, I'm an addict in it's true form. I crave it too, especially when I'm stressed. I hate being dependent like that, so I gave it up. We'll see how long before I crack. I'll keep you posted.
__________

10 Things I hate about whatever:
1) Commercials. Even the funny ones, I mute them all.
2) Girls that don't know how to run. It's not rocket science ladies, take some lessons before you kill yourself with those flailing arms.
3) Simple Plan. No explanation needed.
4) Fast cars. What's the point? You're driving in the city, where the limit is 50 everywhere. Are you going to speed in between all those red lights? Woo hoo! This is really fu... ok it's over.
5) High heels. We all know men invented them. On second thought, this is a love/hate relationship.
6) People. You all suck. Actually, this is a love/hate relationship too.
7) Fat sweaty people that try to hug you. Don't ask.
8) Furry boots. You aren't in the arctic ladies, what's with those baby seals on your feet?
9) Bad singers. Shut the hell up, you sound like crap.
10) I can't think of another one. You can tell me what I've missed.
__________

Just when you make me think one thing...

... you go and do something like that to throw me off.

"Come here" he said, reaching an arm in my direction. I swivel around in my chair and smile, but I hesitate. I'm always hesitating it seems. His hand waits for me to make up my mind and my mind waits for a sign. Something to ease all those second thoughts and make me feel ok about what I want. "Come here" he says again. And I get up, but stop and drop to my knees at the edge of the bed.

These are the moments that make me believe I shouldn't. You never did make up your mind about me before, so I learned not to read your signs. I'm always just waiting. Waiting for anything.

"Please tell me something! I need to know something. Anything!" It's more a plea with myself. And with such desperation in my voice, I can hardly believe these words are coming out of my mouth.
"Well, I think you're amazing." He's so calm. Maybe that's his way, maybe it's the gin and tonics.
"Anything else?"
He stands and smiles at me with those squinting eyes. How he can soften my demeanor with a look even now, I'll never know. "Well, I'm fucked up. You know I'm fucked, right?"

As if it's some excuse for everything that hasn't happened.

"I don't really know what's going to happen."
"Well what do you hope will happen?"
"Hoping and knowing are very different."

They are. I never really know, and I hold back from hoping. My hopes have gotten me hurt more than once before.

Ode to Alayna

This picture was taken on one of the best nights this past summer by far. Alayna and I got silly drunk at the bar, flirted with boys until it closed and came home hungry. We raided my fridge where we found a mountain of watermelon, and proceeded to take about 20 pictures of ourselves in the kitchen with the watermelon. Yes, there was a watermelon in every picture. You can tell how inebriated I am as I clearly can't hold the camera straight.



So I met Alayna this past summer when she hired me to work for her. That's right, I'm a year older than her and worked underneath her. I never thought of her as my boss, I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, but she was always super fun and up for a good time. No matter what she always had a positive attitude and for May and June we pretty much spent every weekday together. And by that I mean from 8:30am to 11:00pm. Those were some long work days, but she made them fun. After the two month stint working for her, I got another job but still hung out with her all the time. She was my saviour this summer. There weren't many people I knew who stayed in the city, so anytime I was lonely I'd give her a ring and we'd go get ice cream or go to the bar for beer and wings.

She is still my saviour, now. Anytime I need to get out the house or need a break from reality she's there to rescue me. I always look forward to our dinner dates because it's a break from the monotonous. We make a point to always go somewhere different for food. We've experienced Thai, Chinese, Korean, Egyptian, Indian and Taiwanese food together to name a few. It's so refreshing to dress nice and go out just for a few hours to chat and catch up. We always have good times together. She's so down to earth which makes her easy to get along with and she's hilarious. Sometimes she'll say something so funny when you're not expecting it and leave you in stitches. I love this girl.

A couple months ago, Alayna messaged me and asked if I want to go to Miami with her. All I had to pay for was the flight, she said, because her parents have a time share in a condo right on the beach. We can spend the weekend shopping, tanning, dancing and forgetting about reality all together. I'm not usually one to spontaneously agree to something like this, but how could I say no? And now we've planned our vacation, bought our tickets and are counting down the days (only 16 to go! And a detailed post with pictures to follow.) We are going to have the best time together, because we're both such laid-back beach bums. I can't imagine someone I'd rather go away with, and I'm so thankful she invited me. Without this vacation in the back of my mind, I would surely be going insane by now. I'm beyond excited!

You deserve this ode my dear, thanks for being totally awesome.

Rant

Reading week? They should have called it "rest-before-we-try-to-rape-you-in-the-bum-and-steal-your-soul-at-the-same-time-when-you-get-back" week. I tell ya, if still had a life, I would be six feet under. I hate you, irony.

Here's a message for all of you entering your third year of psychology...

Developmental really means learning. Learning really means neuroscience. Neuroscience really means chemistry. And you're fucked if you don't know chemistry.

You're welcome to join my "Victim's of Ass Rape" support group after next year if you like.

Tell me.

Tell me there's still time left. I'd follow you into the dark before standing here alone in the light. You are my excuse for everything, and I am your living legacy.

Tell me there's still time. Time to spend in argument, in comfortable silences, in gratifying conversations about everything. Those long, revealing conversations are my comfort. My security blanket. And you.

Tell me. Lie to me. Wrap your arms around me like you always do and say it will all be ok. Everything is perfect and nothing changes inside those arms. I'm still the girl I used to be, and you are still my rock.

Tell me there's still time left for us. The you and me that always was. The understanding, the common ground, the giggles and the tears. The comfort between us is irreplaceable, indescribable. Without you, there is no me.

So tell me. Tell me that this too shall pass. Tell me not to worry and that this world is a just and fair place. Because without your assurance, I'm never so optimistic.

This is for all the Irrational Basketcases out there

You know who you are.

I admit, I expect a lot from people. I expect them to be smart, rational, level-headed, easy-going and fun. Maybe it's because I am all of those things. I've figured shit out enough to hold those attributes, and I expect other people should have their shit figured out too. I sometimes forget that a lot of people are irrational and it throws me off. I don't know what to do in situations where people blow things out of proportion, exaggerate and create drama where there is none. I kind of sit there with my mouth agape, waiting for the punch line. Nope, no punch line, they're serious. *Cough*

What makes a person irrational? Do they think they're being rational, or is it some kind of sick game? I hate drama and will avoid it at all costs, but it seems that some people create it just for fun. They want their lives to be little soap opera's where there's always a fight between someone, some kind of tension and a hospital. Someone needs to be sick and in a hospital, it's one of the soap opera rules of thumb. That, and being pregnant with someone else's baby. I can't be around irrational people for too long or I'll die. Seriously, I'm a ticking time bomb of death. I just want to pull my hair out, then slap them in the mouth and tell them how it is in real life. Not their made-up irrational life of creating fights where there are none.

Of course, everyone has angry moments. But it doesn't take much for me to control my anger, so why do others have such a hard time? I'll take a deep breath, pace around a little bit and then confront the person with a level-head. I can't hold a grudge, and before there was even a fight, it's over and everything is normal. This is why I can't understand people who have fights that last for days and weeks on end. Aren't you tired? I thought people wanted to be happy, not pissed off for some stupid-ass reason for weeks and weeks. I couldn't handle all that anger welling up. Maybe that's why people shoot up convenience stores. An overload of grudge-holding. Just take a deep breath, people. I promise, taking deep breaths will save the world some day.

Inhale, exhale, all better.

Oh, the Nostalgia of it all

Every time I come back to my parents house I make it a ritual to go through all my childhood stuff. Not for any other purpose than to satiate my curiosity. I flip through old year books, read my journals and revel in the nostalgia of it all.

I had forgotten that I used to write a lot of poetry. Some of it was good, most of it awful and none of it am I going to post because it's all dreadfully embarrassing. Today I sorted through stacks of shuffled papers with prose scribbled on them, words I thought were so deep then and know they just make me laugh. I never wrote happy poetry either, it was all depressing stuff. And most of it was written after I had lost someone close to me, or after I was dumped.

So I was flipping through all these papers and found a stack of letters to myself. These letters I've written every three years since I was ten. On my birthday, I write to myself three years in the future. A time capsule of sorts recording my favourite outfits, my grades, boys I liked, advice for myself and what I thought I would be like when I opened up the letter. It's something I always looked forward to reading. It's humbling. Sometimes you forget what hopes you had for yourself in the future. Much of the information written I had forgotten about. Boys I hadn't thought about in years, outfits I wouldn't be seen in for a million, grades I will never see again (I was very studious in high school. Don't know what happened there.) These things were so important to me then. It's strange to think that I couldn't remember most of the things I wrote myself.

So does this mean that all the things I think are important now are going to be irrelevant three years down the road? Isn't that depressing. I suppose it's the whole lessons learned as you get older thing. Damned learning. It ruins everything we thought we knew.

Just Start the Chase

I have no idea how I managed to live in this house by myself all summer. My roommates are gone one night and I can't stop imagining that people are going to break in, find me and attack me. I'm not supposed to be here, I'm a student and it's reading week. I'm supposed to be off in Cuba sun tanning or something. It doesn't help that our house is the oldest of all student houses. Every creak and murmur is some psycho waiting to pounce. I just took a walk around the whole place with a knife peeking around corners for intruders, if you can believe that. And all summer I managed on my own just fine. Except for the time I locked myself in my room because there was a squirrel the size of a cat in our kitchen, but that's another story.
__________

I love unexpected surprises. Like waking up to a foot of snow and class cancellations. I was supposed to write a midterm and lead a ninety minute seminar on emotion. I wasn't prepared for either. I may have a new faith in God, actually.
__________

"I get you, it's ok."
"No you don't. You just met me."
"Don't worry about it, I just get you."
"How arrogant! You think you get me after the whole two hours we've known each other? You don't think I'm a little bit more complex than that?"
"Apparently not. But don't worry I just get people sometimes."
"Uh huh. I get you too. You think you're the shit because you have a fancy job and Italian leather shoes, when really you don't have a clue about people. Don't think just because you make more money than me that you get me."
"Ok, saucy pants."
__________

Just start the chase, and I'll let you win.
Not until this very moment have I ever pictured my life without him.
I think I'm falling in love.
We need to talk.
You have no idea how much I want you.
I can't believe he slept with her.
Did she say anything else about me?
You aren't who I thought you were.
I'm so happy right now, just kissing you.
I feel like I'm stringing you along and that's not fair.
Let's lay here together forever.

It all flies past, and then you're alone again.
__________

Lingering in the moment, I forget to breathe. Your eyes, my eyes, my hands twisting. Your hands calm and folded on the table. The words we both want to hear are too hard to say, so we are left with little silences between nothing conversations. The music is loud, but the tension is louder.

"I need to say something," you admit.
"What's that?" I say collectedly, my insides flickering in anticipation. Then the moment leaves us. The moment always leaves us.

Holding back is the hardest when you have something to lose.

Do I look like the type of girl who would put out?

Unofficial theme of the week: Men are heartless bastards. Going along with the hatred of all things having to do with Valentine's Day... thing. Of course since Valentine's Day is today, two of my good friends have had to brake up with their boyfriends because they are stupid, stupid men. One cheated, and the other is a lazy good-for-nothing. Each of these relationships was two years or more. Why don't they get it? Honestly, right on the day hallmark decided we should be extra nice to the one's we love. Which also happens to be the day that most people kill themselves (I was told.) Honestly, if I chose a day to kill myself it wouldn't be today. I wouldn't be able to stand the thought that so many people were getting laid on the day I die. Way too depressing, even for death.

So why is it men are built so differently from women. I swear, there are so many differences I couldn't quantify them if I tried. And at the same time, even though we are so different from each other, I think we ultimately want the same things. We want to be loved, we want companionship and we want sex. Marriage may have started as an economically motivated merger for procreational purposes, but it's turned into to the need for someone to stick by your side forever. A companion who will love you through whatever circumstances arise and who will have sex with you even when you get old and wrinkly and your body parts get loose and droopy.

So why is it that men don't realize this until years and years after women? Of course I'm generalizing (sorry guys) but in my experience, none of them seem to want commitment anymore. An explanation will be appreciated.
__________

Dance quote of the week from 6-year old Tiffany:

"Does anyone remember what a syllabus is?"
"I think it's a bus they take you on when you break your leg."
__________

So this past weekend I took a trip to Toronto to visit my best friend, and had a good ol' time. It was reminiscent of our teenage years of taking shots of straight vodka out of a water bottle on the way to the bar. I can't remember the last time I was so inebriated. When I'm drunk I am rude, blunt and disgustingly honest while trying to be cute and flirtatious at the same time. And for some reason men love it. There's something about insulting them that makes them want to sleep with you. It must be about the chase. They think I don't like them because I'm saying all these rude things to them, so they try extra hard to get me. A challenge I suppose. Or maybe it's the saucy attitude that they like. Regardless, I love pushing people's buttons when I'm drunk. I'll say the most outrageous things and see what reactions I can elicit. A game I like to play with people.

And yes, it works. These guys were practically begging me for sex. One guy whispered all the dirty things he wanted to do to me in my ear, and when he was done I smiled and said, "that sounds like fun. But only if you can tell me my name." And did he know my name? Of course not. In fact, he called me by my best friend's name.

Needless to say, he didn't get sex that night. Even if he knew my name he wouldn't get any. I just like them to think they have a chance. Does that make me a tease? Probably.

Good times.
__________

The Subconscious vs. The Unconscious

I don't believe we have a subconscious, which may be strange as a Psychology major. I especially don't buy into Freud's definition in which every person is motivated by something unknown to themselves, and usually that something is the desire to sleep with his or her parents. Of course, Freud was a quack. A brilliant quack who had some serious issues himself, I can imagine. But regardless, I can't subscribe to the idea that we make most of our choices based on something we are not aware of. I mean, we are clearly not consciously aware of every process going on in our brains but humans are metacognitive beings. We are aware that we think, we think about our thoughts and we can change them as we see fit. That is what makes us unique from almost every other creature on this planet. So how is it that, being conscious of our own thoughts, we can still be motivated by unknown operations? Don't you think we would individually discover these processes if we thought hard enough about it? On a daily basis we delve pretty far into our own minds, I'm sure something like that would surface eventually. Most people know that they do not want to have sex with their parents, and maintain that through their respective lives despite what Freud says. So I can't believe that there is some kind of process going on beneath our conscious thought.

However, I do believe that there are some things that we may not consciously know about ourselves. Sometimes there are things in our unconscious (note: not the same as subconscious) that we don't want to face or can't admit about ourselves. After all, people are discovering and rediscovering themselves every day. They are learning new things, changing opinions, adopting new strategies and getting to know the world a little bit better.

Which brings me to my point. I read a theory somewhere that says people are in exactly the type of relationship that they need to be in at that time. This seems strange considering that almost everyone complains about their relationships. No one really seems to be completely happy at the time in whatever romantic situation they are (or are not) in, including myself. I'm perpetually single, and I hate it. But I started to think about it a little more deeply. I don't want to be single. But I also don't want to be in a relationship with just anyone. I want to be with someone who will appreciate that I'm an amazing girl. I want someone who is strong and independent and who knows what he wants. I want someone who can't take his hands off me, who wants all of me, all the time. That's a lot to ask of someone, and I wont settle for less. Thus, we come back to my perpetually single conundrum. If I know exactly what I want but haven't found it yet, it makes sense that I'm still sitting here alone. Loneliness is what I need until I find what I am ultimately looking for.

Think about it. Wherever you are in your relationship right now is exactly where you need to be, subconscious processes or none.

Never quite satiated, I am an addict.
Your dirty thoughts and slanting eyes are my pills and needles.
Make me make you want me.
Make me test you, play my games and break all the rules.
Turn me in circles, push me to the ground and twist my wrists until I cry out.
Push my boundaries and get me angry on purpose.
Step out of your comfort zone and pull me out of mine.

Hurt me, but only if I beg you to.

Ode to Ryan

Of all the incriminating photos I have of my roommate, this is in the top ten. He is typically tanned, good-looking, happy and intoxicated in this one. As I'm sure he would like you to know, I wont be getting many of this kind of picture anymore. He and a few of our other friends have decided to take the high road for their New Year's resolutions and not drink for a while. Some of us aren't so strong.

Ryan is a break dancer, a lifeguard, a snowboarder, a human furnace and the best boyfriend ever (not mine, of course.) He is one of my favourite people on this planet. He and I met in our first year on the same floor in residence and decided to move in together the following year with four of our other friends. We've become much closer over the time we've been living together, and every day that he's gone I miss him. Which is every day now because he is a brilliant economist and on co-op in a different city for the next few months. (Jerk.)

Ryan is the most kind, loving and affectionate person I have ever met. He's my couch cuddle buddy, my surrogate husband and my dear friend. It's rare to find a kindred spirit, but Ryan is one. I respect him, I admire him and I take his every word to heart. Ryan is a beautiful person in every respect, and those of us who know him know just how lucky we are.

"You're beautiful of the soul and of the face."

(Love ya.)

Anyone here wanna see me naked?

A student asked me today if next year is my last year teaching. I never realized it until she brought it up today. I guess I blocked it out, not wanting to have to think about saying goodbye to my career teaching dance. Next year is the end of an era. Graduation, starting a new field of work and cutting ties with the community centre which will have been my home for five years. I've left my mark of course. I've influenced change and brought new ideas and creativity to the dance program but I don't want to fade into the background. I couldn't handle coming back and not being known. I've worked too hard.
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I saw Urinetown, a musical put on by LMT, the other day. It was so well put together, so incredibly well-done and all the actors were so talented, I was blown away. It made me miss my musical days where all we did was rehearse, day and night. I got bruised, I lost my voice too many times to count, I've cried from laughing and from being yelled at by the stage directors. I learned how to dance on a narrow, slanted, moving box, I learned what a camel toe is, and I learned not to date anyone else in the show. Ever. I love theatre people. They're so eccentric, out-going and loud. I forgot that the time commitment is worth the experience. Next year, people. My re-emergence into the theatre world will be witnessed.
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Anecdote of the day: My dad met the Foo Fighters. It's sad when you're dad's life is cooler than your own.
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The only people who hate Valentine's Day are those who don't have a valentine. I hate Valentine's Day.

My girlfriends and I are going to make dinner that night in the Valentine's Day lingerie we all bought together and try to appreciate the fact that we're all hot even though we have no boys who want see us in our sexy garb. Or who want to see us out of it. And by that I mean see us naked. This is the point where you tell me you want to see me naked. Anyone?

I have never had a valentine. The only person to ever get me roses is my dad (and all those other people at my dance competitions and musicals, of course.) The point is though, no boy has ever bought me flowers and I've never been with one long enough to buy lingerie for on Valentine's Day. I love the stuff and will buy it for myself, but really it's no fun if there's no one around to see you in it.

Again, anyone wanna see me naked? Please?
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