Loss

"Thanks for putting up with me everyday," you wrote, but it was you that got me through. Everyday we'd laugh, everyday we'd cheat, everyday I'd like you more. I don't even remember why we started talking. You were handsome, you played hockey and you were friends with everyone. So popular. I was awkward and shy and crushed you harder than you ever knew, but you still humoured me. Maybe you were just being nice, but that almost makes it worse.

The other two boys weren't even scratched, with no understandable explanation. No one wants their summer to end with a tragedy, no one wants to hold a vigil on the first day of school, no one wants to think about losing a model student, the most handsome and kind boy I knew.

When I think about you, and I do, I remember how nice you were to me. I was never the pretty girl, but you always made me feel that way. You made me feel like I deserved to know you.
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One night. One night spent on the beach just walking and talking was all it took for us to fall hard. I should have let you kiss me, you kept saying how much you wanted to. But I was a good girl then and didn't want to cheat. I wish I had known that night was the only chance I would have with you. Such chemistry in the sand, barefeet digging in and out, hands grazing, eyes catching and locking. After that it was never the same and I always had regrets about you. Then your story ended suddenly, in black and in tears. An only child, a regret, a dream.
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I can't remember why we connected, but everyday we spent more and more time together. Third period was devoted to you, then lunches too and after school every Friday night. Pretty soon you were my first really close boy friend. All my friends fell in love with you. You were unpredictable, sarcastic and passionate which I guess explains why you went like you did. It still perplexes me, though. People have a tendency to blame themselves in these situations, and I definitely did. If only I had called, if only I had known. I could have changed your mind. I blamed myself and I blamed you. I called you a selfish son of a bitch. "Why the fuck did you do this to me?" I'd scream at the top of my lungs, choke back my tears and let out every shred of frustration and anger that had built up over my entire life. I've never been so angry as I was with you.

Now I've accepted it as something you had to do. You chose your way, you chose your time and you let everyone know that you loved them. That's more than most get when they go. They usually fight it and we all fear it, but you hit it head on. You took control of your own fate and faced death with your favourite song playing in the background. You were always thrill seeking like that.
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