He always finds something positive to say in a less than perfect situation. I'm on the outside looking in and still the depth of his eyes intimidates me. The further I look into them, the deeper they go.

But I still can't shake you. I miss kissing the lips that make no promises.

Ode to the Safari

Yes, so after spending quite some time deliberating I decided to dedicate this Ode to the Safari and not to any of you who left me comments here. Why? Because I said I wanted "ass kissing", people! There was not one solid attempt at flattery or brown-nosing that would warrant an entire blog dedicated to you. I need more effort next time, and I'm very disappointed in you. All of you.

I've been working a la Safari since May (minus a month hiatus thanks to the mono) and I only have two weeks left which is why I've decided it deserves an Ode. My job consists of driving a bus, boat and train, giving tours, watching the animals have sex and cleaning baboon poop off the buses. Now I know many of you are thinking, "How glamorous!" But this job isn't all poop cleaning. There are many pros and cons about working a la Safari that I have outlined for you below:

Pros:
1) I get to see the animals every day.
2) I get to see the rhino penis every day.

Cons:
1) It took over a month to train for this job. Learning to drive a bus is a long process.
2) I've had to learn how to speak when I can't hear my own voice over screaming children.
3) I've had to memorize over 40 pages of script about animals. Long nights of studying for my job.
4) It's a 40 minute commute every day.
5) My uniform is an ugly piece of crap, and I've started to develop sock/shorts/farmers tans.
6) I make $9 an hour.
7) Sometimes I don't get a lunch because of the way the bus schedule works. Is that legal?
8) Refer to "baboon poop", above.
9) The most frightening moment of my life happened just last week when I thought I was going to get punched in the face by a customer who couldn't fit his family on the bus. He raised his fist up to my chin and said through clenched teeth, "You fucking white people! Fucking white service is a piece of shit." Good times.
10) The Safari is an idiot magnet. I've seen people get out of their cars in the lion reserve. Lions! Fucking wild, carnivorous, 400 pounds of pure muscle, will eat you if they get a chance, lions! Although if I did watch those people get eaten, at least it would add another point to my "pros" list.

There you have it folks, the truth about the Safari. Soon I'll be permanently hanging up my beige uniform from hell and moving on to better things. (Better things being Europe for three weeks with my Amber!) Ciao for now my fuzzy ducks!

Reciprocity

You can hurt the people you love without knowing it, and some of them will hurt you right back. Unanticipated reciprocity.
__________

I fell asleep on the grass outside my apartment for just a second, and it made me realize: I feel safe. Safe enough to sleep outside and alone in the dark. Safe and confident in my own skin. Safe but lonely.

I don't like feeling vulnerable. In fact, I'll take great measures to appear strong, confident and unscathed in difficult situations. Even if I'm screaming and suffocating on the inside, I wont let anyone know I'm distressed. I wont tell people how I really feel if there's any sort of risk involved. I am guarded and defensive and all I really want is for someone to help me break down all my walls and force me to face my fear of getting hurt. I'm safe inside these walls but the problem is, if you don't risk, you wont gain. I'm alone. Consistently and cyclically alone.
__________

Thanks for putting the icing on my cake. The road to hell is paved in your good intentions.

I am lost. Come find me.

"You're very introspective, aren't you?"
"I suppose. Is that a bad thing?"
"No. I wish I knew myself as well as you do."

I love his skin next to my skin, both sunkissed and warm. My eyes shine green in the sun, and flash when I look into his.

"Tell me a story."
"I met this girl once. We hit it off right away and then I proposed, but she thought it was just a joke. That was the day my heart died."
"Tell me a true story."
"I like you."

And I like him. The beginning is always the best part, discovering each other and trying to fit the pieces together. I'm scared, but I like it.

"Can I tell you a secret?"
"Of course."
"Sometimes I keeps secrets that I shouldn't. I'm overly secretive."
"Well I'm underly secretive, so we'll get along great."

A hopeful girl and a courageous boy. Is there anything better?

This is my 100th Post. Celebrate, Bitches.

Sometimes I feel guilty for being happy. Not because I don't think I deserve it, but because of the state of the world. How can I just sit here in my happy, safe, little Canadian bubble while the world turns to shit? It is the responsibility of the fortunate to help the unfortunate, so why are we sitting on our fat asses, getting fatter and doing nothing? We're totally ignoring that people are being murdered because of their religion/race/country of origin, that half the population of Africa will die of AIDS, and that Bushie-pants is reeking havoc everywhere he goes. Maybe we're not ignoring it all, but we're not doing anything significant about it. Are you personally doing something other than raising awareness?

Me neither.

I am a passionate person, and the state of the world right now gets me all worked up and huffy. This is mostly because I feel helpless. I feel like I'm behind a 6 inch thick, Plexiglas wall and no matter how hard I yell, scream and try to break through the glass I wont even make a scratch. After a while I just get frustrated, and give up. Learned helplessness, it's called. I've learned that getting angry just gets me angry; it doesn't get me through the wall.

So what am I left with? Feeling guilty. Wanting to be happy conflicts with the learned helplessness effect and leaves me with the guilt of knowing I'm happy while the rest of the world is not.

But really, what can we do? We're humans, we're selfish, we want to stay in our comfortable, soft and plushy existence. The rest of the world is oh so far away, and it's pretty easy to forget about. Is it really in our nature to remove ourselves from comfort in order to help others? I'd like to think yes. We'll help our neighbours, friends and family but we really aren't global thinkers yet. A global family. And we are the rich, fat Uncle who hoards his money while he watches his family starve in the street.

Absolument Rien

1) The rhinos were boning today, woo hoo! The safari has had them for eight years and no babies yet. Apparently it's hard to mate rhinos because the female has a weird reproductive cycle or something, but they were mounting today. Mack's boner is so huge, it looks like a fifth leg.

2) I've unconsciously conditioned myself to puke at just the smell of McDonalds, it disgusts me that much. I can't even go into a McD's anymore.

3) I've been walking a lot lately. Nothing can clear my head like a nice long walk through the park.

4) I had a date the other night, and I haven't had so much fun in a long time. We had dinner and didn't even realize the restaurant was closing around us as we were sitting there laughing and talking. Sometimes you just need to be reminded that there are still people out there you can connect with.

5) My favourite food changes every week. This week it's nectarines, mmmmm.

6) At a job where you're talking constantly and all day there are bound to be some verbal slip-ups. Today's top safari slip-up: Apparently giraffe are the fastest animals on earth and have a calf once every 25 years. Oops.

7) I want to write another Ode soon, and I can't choose who I wanna dedicate it to. Think you're good enough?? Send me a comment with an explanation as to why you deserve a post in your honour (and some ass kissing wouldn't hurt either.)

Passion

I am a romantic. Not hopeless, but hopeful. It's taken me up until now to realize that not everyone is looking for love and not everyone hopes they'll be swept off their feet one day.

A hopeful romantic sees beauty in the mundane. There are so many lovely things around us that sometimes it's almost too overwhelming. Most people don't know how to pause and take it all in. Everyone is so focused on the big things that no one takes notice of the little things anymore.

A hopeful romantic has confidence. Even through adversity, hard times and heartbreak, there is still that reassuring voice inside saying it will all work out in the end. There is a reason for everything and everyday that passes gets us closer to whatever it is we're living for. One day we'll look back on everything and say, "Ah, it all makes sense now."

A hopeful romantic aspires. There is so much to learn and see. We want to become better people and explore what the earth has to offer.

I am a romantic. I love looking at the stars, I like holding hands with my friends in the park, I smile at strangers, I cry at old movies and I take long walks through unexplored pieces of the world by myself. Some people call it hopeless romance. I call it passion.

And I do still hope to be swept off my feet one day.