Not Ready

I sat at my desk with my coffee and my slippers and my textbook reading yesterday. It was snowing outside my window and warm inside my sweater. This was the first time I've really felt like a student and that I deserve to be here. Like I was actually earning my degree in that moment, and every other moment I was just faking it. I'm almost done, and haven't felt real once. Except for yesterday, that was real.

I go to class regularly this year. I didn't last year, or the year before. Why? I'm leaving. I like my courses. Less pressure. All of these things together, and I'm finally feeling good about my education. But I have to leave next year. I'm leaving next year.

I want to do it again. I do have regrets about my education, and I would do it differently if I could. I'd work harder. It's so easy to take something like this for granted, and now that I'm almost twenty-two I can fathom the value of this degree. Not just physical value, but personal value in my own growth and development. I didn't take as much as I could have from this experience and it makes me sad. I love learning new things, but I didn't learn enough here. I'm not satiated yet. There are too many things I don't know. I'm not ready to leave yet.