Just hold it in, she always says. Just bite your tongue and don't think about what you could be losing.

The future looks a bit hazy these days.

Miss.Emily Will be your Captain on the Bitter Bus Today

Consider yourselves warned.

1) Boys are pricks. Apparently all the jerking off they do isn't enough, they still need to try to stick it in you every chance they get. Fuckers.

2) My mom just had her gall bladder removed. She's delirious and nauseous from all the drugs, and it makes me depressed to see her that way.

3) I ran for 90 minutes yesterday, and sat to watch the sunset. I was enjoying myself until I looked to my left and right and realized I was surrounded by couples holding hands. So I made myself vomit and proceeded to the nearest strip club for a lap dance from the dirtiest whore I could find.

4) I know I'm going to cry in a little bit. I can feel it creeping up behind my eyes, and in the way my mind is ridden with negativity. I'm working myself up for a good one, I can feel it.

5) I love watching the monkeys have sex because it reminds me of when I go to the bar. First, after looking at the female's swollen, round ass, the male gets a huge boner. Then he spends the next little while chasing her around trying to stick it in. Finally she gets tired and he goes at it for five seconds or so and it's over. Sound familiar?

6) Here's your secret code: I don't want us doing that again. Don't be mad.

Am I Suddenly Hot?

Have I been looking more attractive lately? Have my breasts grown in the past little while? Am I doing something different with my hair?

The answer to all these questions is in fact, no. Regardless, I seem to be attracting the opposite sex quite a bit more than usual. I've never been asked out on an actual, real-live date before last week, and since then I've been asked out on two more real-live dates. [Note: "hanging out" does not constitute a date. Neither does making out somewhere, going to the bar or renting a movie (which is code for making out.)] I was kissed by a very nice-looking boy recently and that's not including the awkward mono non-kiss incident by an entirely different nice-looking boy.

What is happening? I do not know and I do not mind in the slightest. I'll just enjoy it while I can. Who knows how long this will last until all these boys gain their sanity again.

On a more important note, yes I finally get to kiss again after the long month or so of being mono-ridden. I am an extremely deprived woman, so take advantage of me while you can.

Thank you for giving me what I wanted and for helping me realize I don't need it after all. Thank you for reminding me that I still have the ability to surprise myself without changing anything about myself. Thank you for not making me feel obligated to return the favour. I would have anyways. Thanks for being so accommodating and so simple.

I'd forgotten that things really can be this effortless.

Eff.

1) I'm trying to create a dance post, but I can't seem to get it right. I'm way too much of an effing perfectionist when it comes to that stuff. I don't like any of the pictures of myself enough to post them, and I've probably posted 5 or 6 separate times and then removed everything because I'm not happy. It's pissing me off. Bleh!

2) Funny story of the week: A cute boy tried to kiss me until I blurted out "I have mono!" mid-lean. Nice, eh? I bet he thinks I was using it as an excuse because I didn't like him, but the funny thing is I told him because I liked him. Silly me.

3) A giraffe was licking the bus yesterday! I got so excited we were 8 minutes late for the next bus run and all hell broke loose.

4) It was my dad's birthday yesterday and I asked him what he wanted. He told me I already got him his present because he was watching home videos and got to see me experience Christmas morning for the first time all over again. Oh, the old man is getting so sentimental in his old age! When I left for university he couldn't wait to boot me out the door. What the hell happened?!

5) We live in a sex house, I swear. Only, I'm not having any sex. Maybe I'm the roommate who watches porn all the time and doesn't actually get any (ya, that sounds right.) But it'll all change now that the mono is almost gone, yee haw!

6) Ciao for now my fuzzy ducks.

The wheatgrass ripples in the wind like a pond. I revel in the fact that I'm the only one who notices and I listen carefully and squint as the sun peeks in and out of the clouds.

I collect places. One is nicely hidden off a trail in the city. A big tree by a river that is easy to climb, and a rock to sit on in the shade. In a place like this, you are unnoticed and unassuming. Just a part of the scenery. I am alone here as the world walks by.

Stand in the rain on purpose and wash clean the dirt of the city from your skin.

Ode to Sam

Can you see the family resemblance?

Yes we are related, this is my baby brother Sam. He's only 19, but already his story is an amazing one. I don't even think he knows it, or maybe he's just too modest to admit it. Even if he were to read this ode he'd just shrug his shoulders and say "so what?" That's just Sam.

Sam was born with autism. For those of you who don't know, autism is a developmental disability that impacts normal development of the brain in the areas of social interaction and communication skills. The thing that makes autism so difficult to treat and even diagnose is that every person with this disability is different. There are a range of symptoms from extreme to manageable and they differ depending on each person. Sam didn't start speaking until later than most children. He didn't like to be touched, he couldn't handle loud noises and had difficulty with communication. He wasn't diagnosed with autism until he was 10 years old because of the uniqueness of his symptoms and because he is considered very high functioning. In other words, you would never know he had a disability unless you knew him very well. Because he wasn't diagnosed until such a late age, he was not treated the way he should have been for the first 10 years of his life. Finally getting a diagnosis was like a heavy weight being lifted off the family's shoulders. We could finally help him.

Sam was teased as a child. The other kids didn't understand him, because he looked like a normal kid but had strange mannerisms. He would come home so angry and upset because of the cruel things the kids said to him. And you would not believe some of the things these kids said. Being the protective older sister, I threatened to kick some of their asses on more than one occasion if they ever talked to Sam again. Of course, I didn't realize that would make things worse.

Even I had problems understanding Sam. I was not nice to him. I didn't have the patience when I was young to deal with him sometimes and I would yell and say things I shouldn't have. I regret it all now, but when you're young and dealing with your own problems it's hard to relate to someone as complex as Sam.

Finally when he turned 16 a program opened up at the public high school especially for students with autism. It was so extremely successful, we saw a change in him after just a couple weeks. He was making new friends, he was more talkative, more calm in school and getting better grades. Now 3 years and still in the program, he is barely the same person. Sam is one of the most popular boys at school. All the younger kids look up to him and see him as a role model. He plays the bass guitar and the drums, he takes hip-hop and tap dance classes and wants to start ballet next year. He publicly condones smoking and drinking, and even on his 19th birthday when I offered to drive him to the liquor store he wasn't interested. Everyone sees Sam as someone who knows himself, who is moral to the core, who is open to trying new things and who wants to be social all the time. Every spare minute he has he wants to spend with his friends, playing basketball or jamming on his guitar. I can't even express to you how proud I am of him.

Not only has he developed better social skills, but he's almost fully developed a sense of self. He knows what he likes, he has a well-developed taste in music and a extremely sarcastic sense of humour. Which, I might add, is difficult for most people with autism. Humour is a very complex social skill that Sam has completely mastered. One word out of him can leave me in stitches on the floor, and he'll just sit there cool as a cucumber. Not only that, but as you can see from the picture Sam has a very unique sense of style. His hair is a dyed blonde, afro, mess of craziness and that's the way he likes it. He wont cut it off for anyone (to the dismay of my mother.)

He is still in high school and because of his disability he had to take some required courses that didn't count for credit. For this reason, it would have taken him at least 3 more years to graduate with a resource diploma. We were all disappointed by this news, but Sam was angry. He stormed into the guidance office and forced them to recount his credits. It turns out he actually has 27 normal high school credits and after just one more semester next fall, he will be able to graduate with a full OSSD. I cried my eyes out on his shoulder when I heard this news. "Sam, I'm so proud of you, this is all so exciting! You can do anything you want now, go to college, university, anything! Do you realize how exciting this is?" And in the true Sam fashion, he just shrugged and said, "yup."

My brother is an inspiration. Although we've had our differences, I don't know anyone who has worked harder than him, even on a day-to-day basis. He's never let his disability get in the way of what he wants and not once have I heard him use it as an excuse. He is gentle, kind, funny, strong, ambitious and extremely humble. Knowing someone like him makes me want to be a better person. He has overcome such personal adversity that it brings a tear to my eye. He and I have had very different childhoods, and I feel like I've taken mine for granted knowing how much he has gone through to be where he is today. We can all learn something from Sam.

Love you buddy.

The First

I saw you a couple years ago, but you didn't see me. I ducked into the next room at the last minute. I wasn't ready for the small talk and awkward silences that would follow, considering the last night we spent together. I never understood your sudden change of heart but I suppose it's all for the best. After all, you were only a 17 year old boy and never understood how much you really hurt me.

__________

"What's wrong with you?"
Silence.
"Don't give me this brick wall shit."
"Let's talk about this later."
"No, not later! I'm not stupid, something is going on."
Silence.
"Fine, but just know that if this ends we can't be friends anymore. I couldn't do it."
"We'll talk about this later."
__________

Before it ends, you always know it. You can see it coming a mile away and try as hard as you might, it will end. Everyone knows it but still everyone ignores it.

Still, as much as it hurts, I can maintain my poise. My grace. And as much as I am screaming on the inside I never raise my voice. Never shed a tear. Never lose my self respect.

An "unhealthy coping method" for some, but maintaining my self respect and not losing my cool is my way of dealing with rejection. Keeping my head high, not letting it get to me and moving on as quickly as possible.
__________

"I wrote a song for you. It's the first song I've ever written. You're my muse."
"Haha, I do what I can."
"I've never felt so happy before. We'll really last, I'm sure of it. I think we're soul mates."
"I'm really happy too."
"Never leave me. And promise that when we're thirty-five and still unmarried we'll get hitched. Promise?"
"I promise."
__________

Hold a Little Grace

Whatever happened to taking things in stride? No one seems to deal with their problems with any sort of grace or dignity anymore, or maybe they never did. But I always thought that being able to control our basic emotions, at least to some degree, is one of the things that separates humans from the rest of the mammals on earth who roam around biting and spitting on each other all day.

Hypothetical question: you get dumped. What do you do?

a) Get drunk, swear off men/women and throw curse words at your friends when they try to comfort you.

b) Spread a rumour that he has a small penis/she has chlamydia and hope that no one will ever love them again. They deserve to be alone forever, after all.

c) Brush your shoulders off and embrace the fact that it was a blessing things didn't work out. No one wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them.

Could it be more obvious? Apparently not and although anyone reading this would say c), I don't know a single person who has actually applied it in this situation. You got dumped. Ya it hurts, but it's a good thing it happened now instead of realizing on your wedding day that he/she's not "the one." This is dating. This is the world. Shit happens, and shit will happen to you but the only thing you can do is take a deep breath and move on to the next one.

Now that that's off my chest, I have a few other things to say...

1) I hate girls. I love being one, but sometimes I'm ashamed to be associated with them and all their fucking antics.

2) Loud music and mono do not mix. Insta-headache.

3) Being cooped up for almost 3 weeks with no booze and nothing to do during the day has turned me a little kooky. When I was at my cottage I actually thought I was hearing voices. Turns out my refrigerator sounds a lot like a burglar from the next room.

4) Popsicles are good, but real fruit juice popsicles are better.

5) The last thing I want to do when I'm sick is cook. I've lost 5 pounds from sheer laziness. And here I thought you gained weight from being lazy.

That is all for now my kittens. Ciao.