An Unforgettable Night

A really great night, the unforgettable kind, is never planned. It has to be one of those nights you expect will be spent in your sweatpants watching reruns of CSI. If you try to plan a great night, it usually ends up being the kind where all your plans fall through and you wallow in self-pity about how your friends are unreliable and life sucks. A truly memorable night is the kind that has you saying to your friends months later, "Remember that one night when (insert crazy random happening here) happened? That was CRAZY!" I had one of those nights last night...

I was planning to go out with my friends Saturday night after my shift ended, but all of them ended up bailing saying they wouldn't wait for me and I couldn't get into any bars that late anyways. So for the rest of my shift I was cranky and thinking only about reheating that spinach dip for a snack when I got home. Just when I was getting depressed about my pathetic life, my friends came to visit me falling all over themselves drunk and dressed for the bar saying, "Emily, I looove you!!! Come to the bar!" After they left, me promising to meet them there, my roommates came (looking hotter than ever) to visit me too. They were going to wait for my shift to end so they could take me home, dress me, feed me shots then take me out. Then, right before I was about to leave my best friend calls saying she got all of us on guest list at the busiest bar in town and that we should leave now before it closes.

At this point in the the story I would like to say that I have the best and most thoughtful friends in the world. Yes, they are better than your friends so don't bother arguing.

Anyways, after being fed countless polar bear shots by my girlfriends we ended up at the bar with the angry-looking bouncer telling us the guest list was full, he was sorry (I knew he really wasn't.) We headed to the next bar where the line was too long and we were too drunk, so we finally ended up going to the "semi-empty but we were didn't really care at this point" bar. After being chased by a scary looking guy with a skeleton mask and a permanent marker all night we left for home. There was some nudity, more drinks, and incriminating photos before we ended up in bed. That is, everyone ended up in my bed. I think at one point there were eight people in my double which is barely big enough for two people most of the time. Don't ask how this happened, I don't remember. Regardless, we all slept together cuddling and spooning and talking and holding hands. The eight people slowly dwindled to six, to five, to three then around 6am I finally had the bed to myself (to my dismay.)

Regardless, this whole long story has two morals. The first being that you can't plan a great night, It just has to happen. It has to be improvised, adjusted and sometimes made up as you go along. The second is that you need to have fantastic, thoughtful and loving friends. A great night starts with the people you're with.

And I couldn't be surrounded by better people.

I Need to Dance

I need to dance, I'm going absolutely batty! I teach every Saturday and any minute I have the studio empty I use to my advantage, but it's not the same. I want someone to push me, to teach me, to make me sweat, to help me beat out stress with my body. It's unreal how intense dancing can get; I've cried on stage, I've bled and I've sweat. You feel totally satisfied and energized after a good class or a good performance, and I cant get that same exhilarated feeling anywhere else. It's like a drug. I'm addicted to the adrenaline from dancing, and am going through withdrawal. It's better than chocolate, it's better than sex. You can elicit any emotion you want from dancing; euphoria, depression, anger, frustration. It makes you feel elegant, sexy, intimidating, powerful, beautiful, vulnerable. I need to dance.

"Consider everyday lost in which you have not danced at least once."
-Nietzsche

The Birth and Death of Jarrod

"I really like him."
"He's very good looking..."
"And charming. It's too bad he has a girlfriend. I'm confused though, 'cause I think he likes me too."
"What makes you think that?"
"He never talks about his girlfriend and he's always gazing at me and stuff. I like the attention, but do I want to be hanging around with someone who would do that behind his girlfriends back?"
"I wish I had dilemma's like yours."

___________


"I went to a psychic today."
"Why?"
"I'm really confused about what I want and I thought she could help."
"Why are you confused?"
"Well, you and I have this chemistry that's undeniable but I still care about my girlfriend."
"I like you too."
"You're so sexy."
"What did the psychic say?"
"I'm not telling."

___________


"I broke up with her."
"You did?"
"Ya. She took it pretty hard."
"How are you?"
"Bad."

___________


"He's a bad kisser."
"You kissed him!?!?"
"Ya. And I totally wasn't feeling it at all. I'm not attracted to him like before. Now everytime I talk to him, he says something stupid and gets me mad and we fight. We fight all the time."
"That's too bad 'cause you really liked him. Are you sure?"
"Ya. He's definitely really dumb."

___________


"I think we should just be friends."
"Can I just say something?"
"Sure."
"You're the most amazing girl I've ever known. We had a connection the moment we met, and I like you more and more everyday. You're intelligent and beautiful and you have no idea how sexy you are which makes you even more sexy."
"Thanks."
"Are you sure you don't want to be fuck buddies?"
"Oh ya, I'm sure."

___________


"So you've made up your mind then, huh?"
"Not until this very moment."
"In that case, I'll never forget you. Can I ask you one last question?"
"Sure."
"Can you send me that picture of you, me and Amber?"
"That's the last thing you wanted to ask me? Are you kidding?"
"I like that picture."

___________


"Why are you getting so worked up? We just have different opinions, that's all."
"When you say that you hate every kid under the age of 14, that's not an opinion, its a stereotype. How can you hate every child? Have you met them all?"
"I'm just saying that kids these days don't know how to respect their elders. They could all use a smack across the head. And I don't hate every kid, my cousins are cool."
"So basically the kids you know are ok, but every other child should be beaten."
"Don't twist my words! Kids nowadays don't know how to respect their elders. They need to be taught, and I'm just saying that giving the bad ones a good smacking couldn't hurt."
"I cant believe you, honestly. You are a fucking moron! I cant talk to you anymore, this is such a waste of my time."

___________

Why do I folly when it comes to relationships? Just when I start dating someone, begin feeling comfortable and think it's starting to go somewhere it ends. Am I alone here? It seems like every one of my friends has had at least one serious, meaningful relationship in their lives: Why did I get the short end of the stick? I cringe when I talk to people and they say something like, "Ya, my first relationship ended after only 8 months, but my current boyfriend and I are having our 2 year anniversary next week!!" Gag me. I've never made it past the 2 month mark.

I'm starting to think it's me. I'm attracted to the kinds of guys who don't want a serious relationship. Rather, I'm attracted to certain qualities and most of them are found in the typical, single, non-committal male. Take that Freud! I've compiled a list...

1) Sociability. I'm attracted to guys with a lot of friends, who can carry a conversation and who are overtly friendly.

2) Flirtatiousness. When I'm dating someone, I tend to take the backseat and let the guy do all the work. The types of guys who rise up to the challenge tend to have experience dating, and aren't afraid to openly flirt and let me know what they want. I need to know if he's into me, and nice guys are too... well... nice about it! Don't get me wrong I like nice guys, but it never gets anywhere because I wont initiate anything.

3) Independence. This is a biggy. Guys who are single and not looking for a serious relationship are the ones who look the most independent and in control of their lives. They're strong and self-sufficient, and to me there's isn't a quality more attractive than self-sufficiency.

4) Confidence. That's another thing about nice guys. They tend to be modest about themselves or shy, and that bores me. I'm attracted to guys who are self-assured and who are not necessarily going to give up after their first try with me. They need to know what they want.

Obviously there are other qualities that attract me (like intelligence and kindness), but the latter are the most visible and therefore the first thing I begin to like about someone. The thing is too, that I don't see any way around this dilemma... I cant just change who I'm attracted to. It sucks when you're a nice girl who wants a nice boy, because there's about a one in a million chance of finding each other. This is why nice guys finish last.

I Miss You

I missed you today. I was thinking about your laugh. Your smile would spread all the way across your face and you wouldn't make a sound... you'd just turn red and shake uncontrollably until you were on the floor in stiches. Your humour was so crude... you knew exactly how to get a rise out of us. Everything was funny when we were together.

We used to sit drinking coffee and eating cookies and making fun of cheesy radio jingles until school called us back. You'd make fun of my laugh, but I liked it. You'd make fun of my jokes, but I'd smile and giggle and hit you. You had a way of making me feel playful without the immaturity. You had a way of making me feel pretty without the romance. Why couldn't you have found some way to deal with everything? How did life get so bad that it came to this?

You missed your 21st birthday. We had it anyways, at your place with a barbecue and cake and balloons. Everyone wrote a message on the balloons for you and we sent them off after the party. Your parents miss you a lot. They missed us too.

When it gets really bad, I find myself asking why. When my mom first told me, that's what I asked over and over and over as I curled up into a little ball and cried. Why? I suppose I'll never get an answer. That's the one thing that keeps me unsettled about you. Still, after more than a year... I miss you.

The Smell of Fall

There's something about the smell of fall that makes me happy. As far back as I can remember it's had an effect on me. I've noticed that the other seasons all smell the same, it's just fall that smells different. Fall smells like Halloween, like raking leaves, carving pumpkins, like mittens and scarves, apple cider and wool socks, fires in the fire place, rosy cheeks and runny noses. The thing about this smell is that it finds you wherever you are. Even here in the city. Take a deep breath and you can smell the leaves changing colour.

We played outside all the time when I was a kid, and fall marked the very exciting period of time when the yard had to be raked. That's one of the advantages of living a rural childhood; outside chores are fun. We would gather all our friends together and move from house to house in the neighbourhood raking leaves, jumping in them and raking them up again. We came home at dinner time with leaves in our hair and the sniffles from being outside.

I wish I could play like I used to.

To-Do

I have probably the longest to-do list of anyone. The sad thing about this list is that most of these things I will never get around to doing. The kinds of things on my list make you say, "I'd like to do that when I have time," or "I'll get around to that someday." Thats what makes me the most sad about life... that we never have enough time to do things that we want to do. Why are we so obligated to follow the plan of go to school, work, get married, have kids then retire and die? I know that in Canada and most of the rest of the world you cant live comfortably without money, and you cant get money without working for it. But why settle into the same, monotonous routine of work-retire-die? When is there time for living? After we retire? In between board meetings and casual Fridays?

Sometimes I feel like I should make my life a continuous vacation. Get a job just long enough to make enough money for a nice, long holiday... then quit. After my vacation, I'll get another job and repeat until I've had enough or until I've died, as happy as a lamb. Yes, I'm a wishful thinker and no I'll never really make my life a continuous vacation. However, my life is just that. Mine. Do I really want to spend it working for someone else, or even working at all?

Here are some things on my to-do list...

1. Visit my each of my grandparents hometowns
2. Learn to drive a stick
3. Live in another country long enough to learn the language
4. Learn to surf like a pro
5. Be a lounge singer
6. See Morocco
7. Be proposed to
8. Learn to sail
9. Go water skiing
10. Record a song
11. See the pyramids

And that's not even scratching the surface.

Are we destined to a life of monotony or is there a way out? I refuse to just follow the cattle to the proverbial slaughter house.

Therapy

"Just talk to him or write him an e-mail or something."
"I can't. I'm shy."
"No you're not."
"Yes I am. I'm shy."
"No, you're fake shy."
"What does that even mean?"
"It means you pretend to be shy in intimidating situations as an excuse for fear. So people won't know you're actually afraid. It's a defense mechanism."
"No. That's not it... I'm just shy."

__________

"I love him, but I want him to date other people. That way, when he gets back, he'll know what he was missing and he can learn to love my flaws and accept me for who I am."
"Or the opposite could happen."
"What?"
"He could realize that you're not meant for each other and find his soulmate isn't you."
"Right. That too."

__________

"We got in another fight."
"What about?"
"The same thing."
"Well, you need to decide whether you're getting something out of this relationship that's worth constantly fighting for."
"I know."
"So...?"
"I don't know."

__________

"Are you back together?"
"No. We're trying to be just friends."
"Are you having sex?"
"Ya..."
"I don't have sex with my friends."

__________

Fairies and Farmers

Jealousy is probably the worst physical feeling in the world, other than period cramps or indigestion. It hits you in the pit of your stomach, strains your nerves and makes you feel guilty all at the same time. I'm not really a jealous person, but sometimes I get that feeling toward weird things... like if someone I don't like gets better than me on a test, or if one of my roommates is getting laid and I'm not. I think that comes from doing dance competitions... "How come THEY get to be fairies and WE have to be farmers?"

I pity little girls who get unfortunate dance costumes. That's a lifelong emotional scar waiting to happen.

We're Getting Old

I was thinking today about getting older. I'm 20, turning 21 next month. My parents told me that they consider 21 to be a true adult and will thus unofficially "set me free." Meaning nothing in the official sense... I'll still be receiving rent checks and grocery money regularly. But the fact that my own parents consider me to be an adult is kinda scary... parents are like your childhood touchstone. Then I got to thinking about graduation. I'm graduating in about a year and a half and am supposed to get a job. A REAL job... what the hell is that!?!? What am I supposed to do with myself? Get an apartment, work full-time, become a 9-to-5er ? I don't see that for myself in only a year and a half! But at the same time, I've grown up so much in the past two years here that maybe I'll be ready by the time I'm out...

Hopefully by then I'll figure out what I wanna do with my life.

I think once you get older, and you've figured out who you are exactly you can truly begin to live your life and enjoy it. Over the years, I've become more settled in who I am, and have learned to enjoy myself. I love the fact that I hate green peppers, refuse to wear brand names and can't for the life of me play tennis. I think you also become more relaxed about life. Some people are so uptight that they're always searching for something better. My friend Ryan even said today that he's noticed that none of our group of girl friends complain about their bodies anymore. Even two years ago, that was one of the main things we'd talk about was our jiggly bellies or thunder thighs. Now, I cant be in the same room as one of those girls without getting the urge to throw something at them. Lets finally get around to living our lives people! No more waiting around for something better to come around or until you've gone to the gym enough to get Gwen's abs. Not gonna happen... so sorry...

that's another thing... I think self confidence has a lot to do with age. Over time little things about yourself that you used to hate become a part of who you are. For example...

1) My stomach. It still bothers me sometimes, but I think having a little belly is sexy. Besides, it's mine. No one can take it from me.

2) The fact that I've never had a serious boyfriend. I admire that I can be so particular about who I want. I deserve the best and I wont settle for anything less.

3) My reverse affinity to sports. That's right... I have NO sports skills, and I've realized that it's because I spent all my time in dance class. So now I can do the splits and up to 15 foute turns in a row. What can you do? Hit a ball with a stick? That's special.

I'm a very confident person. It used to be a very rare quality, but as my friends and I grow older I can see more and more of us learning to really love who we've become.

I like that.

So I've decided to start a blog. It may surprise a lot of people, but not me... I'm pretty self-involved. Not in the bad way, where everything is about me and I think I'm better than everyone else. More like, I spend so much time with me that it's almost inevidable to become over-involved in my own life. How could I not? I'm with me 24/7... in fact I think if you like yourself it's your fate to become self-involved.

So this is the direct result of self-love I guess you could say. And a good way to record my thoughts, because I'm too lazy to keep a journal. Besides, journals are tacky.

Anyways, I'll post a more interesting blog when I get the chance.