My dreams have been getting more and more strange, and probably because of anxiety. I say probably because I never seem to know I'm anxious when I'm anxious. Or when I'm stressed or scared. I am, surprisingly, not very good at reading myself and it usually isn't until after I've recovered from the anxiety or stress or fear that I can recognize why I was out of sorts at the time. I know something's not right, and other people know but for some reason I cannot concretely identify my own emotions at the time they are occurring. So because of this unsettled feeling in my gut and because I'm grumpy and am going through a transitional time in my life, I have deduced that I'm anxious.
The increasing strangeness of my dreams is most likely a product this. I never have a truly sound sleep these days and I always wake up feeling strange. Like I didn't actually get any rest, I just entered an even more exhausting state of consciousness that is my life turned upside-down. Last night I dreamt that I was sleeping, and I woke up and opened my sleepy eyes to see someone lying next to me watching me. I could see him, a man, foggy because I was deeply asleep, and I remember thinking that he must have been really tired to have crawled into bed with me in the middle of the night. I was disturbed, but not quite enough to fully wake up and kick him in the balls which is what I would do if a real stranger crawled into bed with me. So I just went back to sleep. I awoke wondering if it had actually happened.
Why the anxiety? I'll soon be graduating. I'm moving to Toronto in less than two months, a city I've never lived in, and I don't yet have a place or a job. I'm a small town girl at heart and Toronto is a big place. It's a whole different world and I'm throwing myself into it without knowing what I'm going to do once I'm there. Of course this is my choice and it will all turn out ok, blah blah blah, but I can't help but feel like a little lamb unknowingly walking herself to the slaughterhouse.
I'm excited to be done with academia, with grades and homework and textbooks. There's another chapter on the way that will be amazing and different from anything I've ever experienced before. I've been saying to everyone how I can't wait for the next chapter to start, but I suppose there's another part that will miss this. There's nothing in the world like university life. And I know I've already grown out of it, and I am ready to leave, but it's still a sad thing knowing it's over. Almost.
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It's pretty natural to feel slightly nervous/scared about moving away from home for real. I mean, when you move away in university it's kind of like 'fake' moving away because you know you could go back. But after you decide to get your own apartment in the big city it kind of hits you that it's real and it's real life. You will be awesome and amazing like you always are!!! So don't even bother worrying!
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