Honestly, I don't give a shit. I just act like I do sometimes to make my life seem more interesting.

Umm, I'll Pass.

Today sucked. It was so boring. Until the end, that part was fun. Here was my day:

12am-10am: Sleep.
10am-1pm: Think about going to class, but don't. Watch two episodes of The Office.
1pm-3pm: Nap.
3pm-4:30pm: Think about going to the gym. Drive by the gym and notice there is no parking so go buy groceries instead.
4:30pm-6:30pm: Make and eat Pad Thai.
6:30pm-7:30pm: Think about taking another nap.
7:30pm-8pm: Get ice cream with Amber.
8pm-9pm: Watch Lost.
9pm-10pm: Shower and make self look pretty.
10pm-2am: Bar.

We went to the UW Bomber, which was nice because there were no Laurier cocks there. And by cocks, I mean dicks. Penises. Walking around penises of men. Anyways, UW men are so much more respectful and nice and they want to talk to you before attempting to remove your pants. It's refreshing. So then I'm all happy from being flirted with, real flirting not "Hey, we're both drunk. Let's make some bad choices and then I'll never call you after" and I come home to this message:

CV-says:
ok

CV-says:
come over and give me a bj

CV- says:
please

CV-says:
hey babe

And who is this from? Oh ya, a drunken Laurier walking penis. No wonder they call this town the Loo.

Three Question Marks

I love Merkley???'s work so much, I would pay him whatever he charges PLUS pay for my own flight to San Fransisco where he lives just to take my clothes off so he can take nudey pics of me.

What I love about his photos is that these girls are not models. They have real bodies, unique faces, their own style (sometimes tattoos and piercings) and actual, home-grown boobies. No silicon here, people.

Also what I love is that the settings these girls are in are not typical. I mean, they're more real. There are stains on the mattresses, the floors are dirty and the props are things you can probably find in your own home. There's something purposely mundane about the props and locations he uses. I love it.

I hear he lets the girls wear their own favourite pair of shoes. That could just be a rumour though.

Not overthinking, just thinking. Being. Wondering questions with no answers makes my entire body hurt. I'm tired and my eyes have dark circles almost as black as the ones I wish were around my heart, but no. Nothing to burden me but thinking. And that's more tiring than anything.
__________

Looking in the wrong places. With eyes closed.
After years of waiting, still more to pass by.
__________

Why do I put you on a pedestal? Because there is no one else. You are a joke. We were a joke. We were nothing and it drives me insane that you are my comparison. You're on the pedestal rather than someone worth being my example. But alas, it is you. My bullshit exemplification.
__________

It's Anxiety... I Think.

My dreams have been getting more and more strange, and probably because of anxiety. I say probably because I never seem to know I'm anxious when I'm anxious. Or when I'm stressed or scared. I am, surprisingly, not very good at reading myself and it usually isn't until after I've recovered from the anxiety or stress or fear that I can recognize why I was out of sorts at the time. I know something's not right, and other people know but for some reason I cannot concretely identify my own emotions at the time they are occurring. So because of this unsettled feeling in my gut and because I'm grumpy and am going through a transitional time in my life, I have deduced that I'm anxious.

The increasing strangeness of my dreams is most likely a product this. I never have a truly sound sleep these days and I always wake up feeling strange. Like I didn't actually get any rest, I just entered an even more exhausting state of consciousness that is my life turned upside-down. Last night I dreamt that I was sleeping, and I woke up and opened my sleepy eyes to see someone lying next to me watching me. I could see him, a man, foggy because I was deeply asleep, and I remember thinking that he must have been really tired to have crawled into bed with me in the middle of the night. I was disturbed, but not quite enough to fully wake up and kick him in the balls which is what I would do if a real stranger crawled into bed with me. So I just went back to sleep. I awoke wondering if it had actually happened.

Why the anxiety? I'll soon be graduating. I'm moving to Toronto in less than two months, a city I've never lived in, and I don't yet have a place or a job. I'm a small town girl at heart and Toronto is a big place. It's a whole different world and I'm throwing myself into it without knowing what I'm going to do once I'm there. Of course this is my choice and it will all turn out ok, blah blah blah, but I can't help but feel like a little lamb unknowingly walking herself to the slaughterhouse.

I'm excited to be done with academia, with grades and homework and textbooks. There's another chapter on the way that will be amazing and different from anything I've ever experienced before. I've been saying to everyone how I can't wait for the next chapter to start, but I suppose there's another part that will miss this. There's nothing in the world like university life. And I know I've already grown out of it, and I am ready to leave, but it's still a sad thing knowing it's over. Almost.

You know, the longer I'm by myself the more frightened I become at the thought of being with someone else.

I don't want to be scared anymore.