Tangled in your sheets and my thoughts. Tangled hair and twisted hands, pull the day away with one sweeping motion. Billowing like sails, they help us float away.

I'm in League with the Foe

This term has gone by too fast for a girl who doesn't know what the shit is supposed to happen after all this.
__________

I'm 22 now. The three day birthday extravaganza is over and now I can start settling into my new age. Twenty-two will be different. I'm ready for 22.
__________

I didn't think making such a decision would be so easy. I didn't know that I knew what needed to be done, and more importantly I didn't think I'd have the strength to do it. But I am stronger than I thought which makes this easier and I'm almost happy with the whole thing. I wouldn't go back if I could. I have my strength back along with my hope for something better. I had lost some hope for awhile, but I'm a strong girl. A resilient girl. I am happier now, and back to hoping and looking for love.
__________

"I can tell from your hair and your confidence."
"From just that you can tell I'm in psychology?"
"Confident people have the ability to look into themselves, find flaws and reasons for those flaws objectively without losing faith in themselves or mankind. Insecure people can't do that."
"What about my hair?"
"Oh, you just have nice hair."
__________

They say an end can be a start.
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive.
It's like a bad day that never ends; I feel the chaos around me.
A thing I don't try to deny, I'd better learn to accept that there are things in my life that I can't control.
They say love ain't nothing but a sore, I don't even know what love is.
Too many tears have had to fall, don't you know I'm so tired of it all.
I have known terror dizzy spells. Finding out the secrets words won't tell, whatever it is it can't be named; There's a part of my world that' s fading away.
You know I don't want to be clever, to be brilliant or superior.
True like ice, true like fire, now I know that a breeze can blow me away.
Now I know there's much more dignity in defeat than in the brightest victory.
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope, tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you. You can give me your number, when it's all over I'll let you know.

Hang on to the good days, I can lean on my friends. They help me going through hard times.
But I'm feeding the enemy; I'm in league with the foe.
Blame me for what's happening, I can't try, I can't try, I can't try...
No one knows the hard times I went through. If happiness came I missed the call.
The stormy days ain't over, I've tried and lost now I think that I pay the cost.
Now I've watched all my castles fall, they were made of dust, after all.
Someday all this mess will make me laugh, I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait...

If I ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you. You can give me your number, when it's all over I'll let you know.

It's like somebody took my place, I ain't even playing my own game. The rules have changed well I didn't know.
There are things in my life I can't control. I feel the chaos around me, a thing I don't try to deny.
I'd better learn to accept that there's a part of my life that will go away.
Dark is the night, cold is the ground, in the circular solitude of my heart.
As one who strives a hill to climb, I am sure I'll come through I don't know how.
They say an end can be a start. Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive. I'm losing my balance on the tight rope, tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

Phoenix, "If I Ever Feel Better."
__________

I'm Feeding the Enemy

1) Wow, I can't believe how amazing Phoenix is. I've been downloading a crap-load of new music lately including the latter and We Are Scientists, Marc Andre, Wolf Parade and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. All quality.

2) I wish I was cooler. Like an indie chick or something who wears hightops and has a weird hairdo but it suits her. Weird hairdos do not suit me, I'd look like a poser. But maybe I'd start out as a poser and then I'd become indie just from acting like it for so long. I'll try it. No more shopping at the mall.

3) Only two more weeks of school to go, but pretty much it's the whole semester of school condensed into these two weeks because I suck at doing work when I'm supposed to.

4) I've made a resolution to change. I will wait for no one. Life is too short to wait for shit to happen. Everyone's working out their own shit at their own pace, and that's fine but I'm not going to wait for people to get it together when I'm ready to move on. I'm like the hare racing past the tortoise. Maybe slow and steady is your way, but it's not for me suckaaaas!

5) One week until my birthday. Pretty soon I'll be too old to enjoy getting older. Twenty-two, holy crap.

Your indifference strikes a familiar chord. Show me this time is different, like you said it would be. Show me.

This is the last time. Please give a shit.

I am SO Rational

Ok, so I'm in psychology which means I should be able to distinguish true psychologies from pseudo-psychologies like for example, astrology or those dumb-ass personality tests they have all over the internet that end up telling you nice things about yourself so you say, "Oh! That stuff is all true! I'm a cool person, and this personality test is so freaky and right!" However, the catch is that even though I can spot that pseudo-psychology shit from a mile away, I use it anyways. I take those personality tests all the time and I check my horoscope even though I know it wont make a difference anyways.

So I had the most vivid dream last night where I had some broccoli in the fridge that I forgot about for a couple weeks, but I decided I'd eat it anyways. So it was all slimy and stuff, and I was chopping it and I look down and it was covered in baby turtles. There were at least fifty of these teeny-tiny turtles crawling all over the counter and in the broccoli and they were under my shirt too, crawling around. It turns out a turtle had somehow laid it's eggs inside my broccoli and they had hatched while it was rotting in the fridge. So this dream had me so worked up and I wanted to remember it so in the middle of the night I got up and wrote "turtles" on my white board in big, sleepy letters.

Being the bright, young psychology student that I am, I don't believe that dreams have any profound meaning. I don't think they represent your repressed thoughts surfacing or your underlying desires rising up from your unconscious. In fact, I believe they are random combinations of neurons firing during REM sleep and often times we dream about things that happened that day or that week simply because those are the newest neuron connections in your brain. I actually do have broccoli in the fridge that will go bad very soon, so I had a "rotting broccoli" neural connection firing in my dream last night. Because I am so sensible and scientific and rational, I obviously did not look up the meaning of turtles in a dream dictionary:

To see turtles in your dream, suggests that you will make slow but steady progress. You need to slow down and pace yourself. Alternatively, it indicates that you are sheltering yourself from the realities of life.

This analysis is so general, it could apply to anyone's life. That's the beauty of this sort of thing. The people who write these interpretations make them seem specific but really if anyone thought hard enough they would think, "Oh, they're right I should slow down and pace myself in my life. I need to face reality." Good thing I'm rational and can see through the veil of this pseudo-psychoanalysis!

Next post: How I shelter myself from the realities in my life.

I've Been Meaning to Tell You...

So a couple thoughts have been running through my jumble-y, indecisive brain lately...

1) I've "decided" what to "do" with my "life" recently. And that is...
- Finish the last half credit of my degree this summer,
- Work from April to December doing whatever,
- Apply to Graduate programs within that time (still don't know what for),
- Have my convocation next November 2007,
- Take the following few months to travel (or work, depending how poor I am),
- Start Grad school September, 2008.
I haven't told my parents or really anyone but you, but I'm happy with the slow pace of the whole thing. I need some time because I consider whatever it is that's happening after undergrad to be pretty serious business. Whatever it is I decide to do in Graduate school is pretty much determining my career, so I figure what's the rush? I can really sift through my options this way and take my time in deciding what I really want to do.

2) I started calorie counting recently. I found a website that automatically calculates how many calories you take in daily, after you type in what you've eaten. I did this because I want to loose some flab before I head to Cuba in February. But lately this little website is becoming an obsession. I think about food all the time and what I can and cannot eat. I no longer eat when I'm hungry, but when it's meal time. I no longer eat what I want, but what I think I should. I'm turning into one of those annoying girls that starves herself and then binges and constantly obsesses about her food. That is NOT me. I like my body, even my flab. I don't want to be perfect and I hate perfect people. They're not unique. I am no cliche! Rage against the machine! I deleted my website account today. Back to eating healthy and exercising when I want to, and not feeling guilty about every cookie that passes my lips!

3) My birthday is coming up! And just so you know, I like presents.

4) Are all men confusing, or just the ones I like? And do men think we're equally confusing? Is everyone just confused all the time? They should call it "perpetual perplexity" instead of a "relationship." Someone please explain it to me.

5) I'm getting a tattoo. I know what and where, but not when. I'll post pictures once I've grown the balls to go.

6) Ski season is approaching! Yet another reason to get in shape. This year I will make the effort to go (even though I say that every year.)

7) I miss you all and love you.

Not Ready

I sat at my desk with my coffee and my slippers and my textbook reading yesterday. It was snowing outside my window and warm inside my sweater. This was the first time I've really felt like a student and that I deserve to be here. Like I was actually earning my degree in that moment, and every other moment I was just faking it. I'm almost done, and haven't felt real once. Except for yesterday, that was real.

I go to class regularly this year. I didn't last year, or the year before. Why? I'm leaving. I like my courses. Less pressure. All of these things together, and I'm finally feeling good about my education. But I have to leave next year. I'm leaving next year.

I want to do it again. I do have regrets about my education, and I would do it differently if I could. I'd work harder. It's so easy to take something like this for granted, and now that I'm almost twenty-two I can fathom the value of this degree. Not just physical value, but personal value in my own growth and development. I didn't take as much as I could have from this experience and it makes me sad. I love learning new things, but I didn't learn enough here. I'm not satiated yet. There are too many things I don't know. I'm not ready to leave yet.