No More Gaps

1) The apartment is back to its homeostasis, hoorah! I was really worried there for awhile, but I guess when the five of us are apart things just turn to shit. You need all five roomies to create the perfect equation. Things are good again, and the ora of the house is a much perkier shade these days.

2) The Dears are one of those extremely talented bands that are depressingly underrated. I know there are a million bands trying to make it, blah blah blah, but you can tell these musicians have put in the time and are still not appreciated they way they should be. I saw them live in Toronto this week and they have such chemistry together. They have a new kick ass album, check it out and help Canadian talent get the recognition it deserves.

3) Dear New Bronze Sketchers; I love you more than my other shoes, but don't tell. Love, Miss Emily.

4) I find it interesting how you can have an impression of someone for so long, and suddenly notice it's changed. Like one day you look at them with a completely different perspective and are witnessing your own opinions morph.

5) Why does September mean change? How is it so different from all the other months? Everything is changing and I'm just sitting still watching it spin around my head. It feels like I'm the only consistent thing in my life right now, which is not normal. I'm consistently inconsistent.

6) God made a huge mistake when he decided eating would be simpler and more pleasurable than working out. "But working out IS pleasurable!" you say? You're all liars. It hurts, especially when you're out of shape like soft ol' me. Running around the block is a lot less pleasurable than, say, eating ice cream with hot fudge and peanuts... and smarties. And maybe whipped cream on top if I went to the gym that day.

Let's steal away for awhile. Just long enough to remember how we got to this place. Remind me why I love you so I can let go of whatever it is that has driven a wedge between us.

One Boot Short

And fall is here with it's clean, cold smell of dead leaves and new beginnings. I still feel so attached to the summer and to my trip, like it's a mudpuddle I stepped out of too quickly. I'm still running but one boot short. A constant reminder of where I want to be. A part of me was left behind.

Fall means settling into routines, and looking ahead. No more living in the moment, because everything happens tomorrow, or the next day. Deadlines move fast and the days move slow, leaving me tired and weary.

I miss the moments. The minutes that make all this worth the effort. The stars, the hands, the kisses and the kindness. Where did the moments go? They disappeared with the warm weather. In the fall we just fill our time with routine and monotony. Pass the time. Pass the time.

Pass the time.

I've returned home with brown skin and a fresh perspective.

Having such a large number of amazing experiences in such a short period of time changes a person. I feel different now. Especially when I first got back from my trip, I realized that the lens through which I viewed the world had changed. Everything seems a bit more focused now, everything is a bit clearer. Both the good and bad things, but I suppose a clear line of sight is beneficial either way.

Now that I'm back, I am forced to complete the last year of my undergrad. This raises a number of issues;

1) I don't know where my life is going.

2) I don't know where I want my life to go.

In eight months I will be a twenty-two year old university graduate, an adult. Shouldn't a person have at least some idea about where they want to be in eight months? I'm too overwhelmed with the very idea of graduation to even start researching grad schools, and even if I wanted to I wouldn't know where to begin. I haven't a clue what I want to study. A number of things have crossed my mind including (but not limited to) law school, getting a masters, sex therapy, clinical psychology, child psychology and bus driving (considering I have the most experience with that last one from the safari, it seems the most viable at this point.) Even sitting here writing this I'm biting my nails and getting more and more frustrated at the very thought of having to make up my mind on the matter.

Grrr.

The moral of the story folks, is this: Things have never been so clear and so fuzzy simultaneously. Which leaves me in a very confusing place. I've grown from my trip but am still waiting to become a grown up.

The metamorphosis of me and my need for disparity.

Take me back to this place.

Where everyone speaks my language using different words.

Twenty-Two Days

In the bustle and hum and velocity of three weeks, there is some peace. The peace in enjoying places for the sake of enjoyment. Feeling a sense of community with people you barely know. Never have I met so many people. Never have I felt so welcomed and warmed by strangers. Diverse, intelligent and open-minded people. Warm people and warm places.

Enjoyment for it's own sake. We're all here for the same reasons.
__________

In the garden at night we sit and I can see the shimmer in his eyes by the moon. He pulls his chair up to mine and studies me for a minute. "Tell me everything," he says. I wish I could. I wish there was such a thing as knowing without telling. Words are barriers. Adjectives and nouns and verbs aren't enough, especially since introspection occurs without words getting in the way. We're all more than anyone else thinks we are.

"Where should I start?" My heart is smiling. We are connected despite oceans and miles and miles of earth. There is so much more to say and do. Time is a gift that doesn't last.
__________

In the moment for once. The moon is full and the tide washes over us as we forget the world back home. Nevermind the restrictions and mores and conventions of our previous lives. I am naked in the open air, smiling up at the black sky with nothing to lose but inhibitions. Our history doesn't matter in this place they call Paradise.
__________

I can't tell whether I've changed or everyone else has stayed the same. People are secure in their monotony because it is safe. Security blankets wrapped tightly around frightened masses. Safety is over-rated. Were they like this before?

More importantly, was I like this before? Change is linear.
__________

"It's an English name."
"A very posh one. High class. You'd own a ranch and a yacht if you lived in England. And a summer home with a servant or two."
"Do you own a ranch?"
"No. I don't even like the dressing."

A nap on the beach, a handful of kisses and I miss you. If I could find a way to drive my car across the Atlantic I'd be set.