I've fallen off the world, and I'm sorry. It had to be done. I'm not back yet, but I'm on my way.
It seems my twenties are marked by a war between ego and depression. Because I sometimes know who I am but then I get a glimpse of something I don't like and decide I'm not good enough. Is it in everyones nature to try and be the perfect self? Is that why we're here, or is it a fruitless search? Is it ever possible to be perfect according to your own idea of the word?
Considering we're fluid beings and the idea of who we want to be is also fluid, how do we get there? How do we get anywhere?
I can pinpoint a few of the things in myself that need adjustment, but how many more flaws are there?
Are they flaws?
I have nothing better to do than attempt to be a better person. I can't decide if that's a good thing.
Is this it? Brief glimpses of enlightenment, a millisecond of understanding and then back to the grind. What world have we created where no one really understands anything, and our tiny spec of existence seems like forever when the universe is millions and millions of years older than our home on this moldy rock.
Look out at the stars and try not to fall off the edge of the earth. I dare you.
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2 comments:
oh, miss emily.
my twenties are like that too. i can't imagine i'm too much older than you and i've gone through and still go through the same cycles.
there's something about you that resonates on the same level as me and i'm not quite sure what it is yet -- it's these themes of uncertainty twinged with a little sadness that i am so familiar with. and that last tiny paragraph of yours is so much closer to me than you know, and all by coincidence (i might explain later, if you're really curious).
and trying to be a better person IS a good thing. being a fluid person is a wonderful thing. fluid people learn to ride the crests and valleys of life without causing too much chaos in their wake, if that makes sense. too many people don't know how to bend, or how to fit their container, like water does -- and so they snap.
this is all nice and good theoretically but i guess to live that way is a whole different story. not so easy!
so don't think of things inside yourself as flaws, at all. it's a part of who you are, and fighting yourself is useless because you never win.
neither you or i are experienced or patient enough to really see through that veil of enlightenment -- and even then, i think the answers are probably so simple we'd wonder why we went digging so deep to find them anyway.
you're not the only person who's fallen off the edge of the world. oh, man, you have no idea.
just go out and enjoy your life and you'll find your feet on solid earth sooner than later.
and, of course, i hope you're well, of course, even if the sentiment comes from a weirdo like me.
everybody gets the ups and downs. In today's world it's hard to keep a grasp on what should be important versus what society deems important (friends vs. work, relationships vs. money, etc). Just keep remembering that you're an amazing person and you're doing the best that you can, which is all that anyone can ask for. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're amazing!
P.S. I've missed your blogs! Don't leave for so long again!
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