To Whom it May Concern...

Dear Old Phone;

Sincerest regrets but after four years of faithful service I'm going to have to replace you. Your reception has been lacking lately, you weigh approximately five pounds and you have no call display, voicemail or other features I desperately need.



My new phone, who I lovingly call "baby," is way sexier than you. I'm already in lust and I know we'll have a long, happy relationship together. She actually fits in my purse and she vibrates... you've never once vibrated for me. I'm sorry, but it's just not working out. All the best,

-Miss. Emily

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Dear Grilled Cheese Sandwich;

I made you at 4:30am and you the the most delicious thing I've ever put in my mouth. I'm writing an exam in 4 hours and I've wasted precious study time making you, but I don't care! You taste like little pieces of heaven dipped in ketchup.

Love,

-Miss. Emily
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Dear John Mayer;

I'm not one to predict the future or anything, but we're going to get married and buy a big house in the country so our kids and run and play outside and learn music and become musical geniuses like their father. Just one thing though, I'm going to be the best wife ever so you'd better fucking be the best husband or else I'll divorce your ass so hard and take all your money. Looking forward to lots of sex with you in the future,

-Miss. Emily
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Dear Miss. Emily;

What the hell are you doing? Look at the time, you are writing two exams back-to-back and you have less than 4 hours now to learn four months worth of material, way to go. You suck. Stop writing this minute and continue to read that textbook sitting right under your nose. Good luck failing out of university tomorrow, oh wait! You already will so I don't actually need to wish you luck, ok good. I hate you right now.

All the best (you loser)

-Miss. Emily
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