Enjoying Freedom

I don't care. I'm surprised at my own non-caringness, but very excited. Life is way less stressful this way. There could be two reasons for this new line of thinking;

1) I'm selfish and don't give a damn about anyone but myself, or

2) I'm only moderately selfish and have realised that people have their own shit going on all the time and this may or may not affect me. Either way it doesn't matter.

Everyone is selfish for the most part, so caring what other people think about you is pointless. They really only care about themselves in the end anyways.
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Emily's favourite song's of 2006 list in no particular order:

1) Banquet - Bloc Party
2) Who Are You, Defenders of the Universe? - The Dears
3) One More Night - Stars
4) When the War Came - The Decemberists
5) Wake Up - The Arcade Fire
6) Naked as we Came - Iron & Wine
7) One Evening - Feist
8) The Widow - The Mars Volta
9) Bridge to Nowhere - Sam Roberts
10) The Twist - Metric
11) If I Ever Feel Better - Phoenix
12) Supermassive Black Hole - Muse
13) Sexual Healing - Ben Harper
14) Talkshow Host - Radiohead
15) From What I Once Was - Neverending White Lights
16) There There (The Boney King of Nowhere) - Radiohead
17) Black Swan - Thom York
18) You are a Runner and I am my Father's Son - Wolfparade
19) It's all Understood - Jack Johnson
20) Gold Lion - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
21) I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You) - John Mayer
22) Somersault - Zero 7

You don't care what my favourite songs were this year? Shut up, yes you do. Now go download them and enjoy, biatch.
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I got my parents my graduation photos for Christmas, and when they opened it they both cried.

Haha, mom and dad now everyone on the Internet knows that you cried!

I got a new cell phone, leather boots and other stuff including gift certificates with which I already bought a little black dress for new years. We've got a hotel room this weekend and we're going skiing Saturday with all the crap loads and piles and piles of snow, holy shit there's so much snow! Not really, we're going to ski down slopes of watery fake snow and grass.
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"Don't settle" they all say, but then what? Maybe the thing right in front of my face is perfect for me, but I can't see it. Maybe I'm blinded by the idea of something better. Something perfect.

The Nutcracker

Is it possible that someone could be more excited than me, Miss.Emily, to be seeing the National Ballet's Nutcracker tonight? The answer to that question is a resounding and explicitly negative...

Hell no.

I saw the Nutcracker when I was two years old or so, and I still remember the ambiance and excitement of the whole experience. I remember specific scenes even, which is amazing for having seen it at such a young age. My favourite was the dance of the snowflakes, because I thought those ballerinas were so enchanting dancing completely in sync and in matching tutus. That scene is the archetypal ballet scene in my mind to this day. Watching this ballet changed me. I wanted to be the sugar plum fairy. I wanted to be Marie. I wanted to be a ballerina.

After my parents took me to see the show, I demanded to be put in ballet immediately and they bought me the Nutcracker soundtrack. I memorized every song and danced around my room spinning and leaping and fantasizing about the day I would be up there in my own beautiful costume with a handsome prince twirling me around the stage. This show is the reason why ballet is such an important part of my life today, and still gets me so excited every time I see it.

I haven't seen the National's Nutcracker in twenty years, so this is an overwhelming moment for me. Going back after all this time to the place where my obsession with dance started. Amber is taking me for my birthday so I can thank her for my twenty-year reunion. She has never seen it before (I know!) so she'll have to put up with me ignoring her through the show and shhhing her if she has questions. There is no talking during the Nutcracker!

I'll tell you how it goes.

Oooh oh oh uh-huh

1) I have an exam tomorrow, so the rule is I must be counter-productive and write a blog.

2) I can't decide whether drunkenness reveals mine and other people's true colours, or whether all the normal rules of politeness and morality should be discarded for the night.

3) I've made it my goal to come up with a list of my top five bands of all time. This is a difficult task because while everyone can enjoy many many artists, there are only a few that really affect us in a certain way. You know, the feeling that you're actually falling in love with the music and that your soul is saturated with every nuance in every song. That you can really relate to their sound in a way that almost changes your life, and every time you hear them you want to sing along at the top of your lungs. I have come up with four out of five: Radiohead, Led Zepplin, Muse and Phoenix. Here are some serious contenders for the fifth spot: John Mayer (also known as the future Mr. Emily), The Arcade Fire, Metric, Our Lady Peace, Incubus, Zero 7 or The Dears. All of whom are fantastic artists, but aren't quite there on the level of I-love-this-band-so-hard-in-my-soul-to-the-point-of-near-insanity.

4) Speaking of love, I can't get enough of Raymi. Check out this girl if you haven't already, she's a kick ass writer and her style is whatever falls out of her head, through her fingertips and onto the keyboard at the time, forget about grammar. I'm addicted, so luckily she posts every day so I can procrastinate even more than I already do. Also, she's hot and sometimes shows her tits.

To Whom it May Concern...

Dear Old Phone;

Sincerest regrets but after four years of faithful service I'm going to have to replace you. Your reception has been lacking lately, you weigh approximately five pounds and you have no call display, voicemail or other features I desperately need.



My new phone, who I lovingly call "baby," is way sexier than you. I'm already in lust and I know we'll have a long, happy relationship together. She actually fits in my purse and she vibrates... you've never once vibrated for me. I'm sorry, but it's just not working out. All the best,

-Miss. Emily

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Dear Grilled Cheese Sandwich;

I made you at 4:30am and you the the most delicious thing I've ever put in my mouth. I'm writing an exam in 4 hours and I've wasted precious study time making you, but I don't care! You taste like little pieces of heaven dipped in ketchup.

Love,

-Miss. Emily
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Dear John Mayer;

I'm not one to predict the future or anything, but we're going to get married and buy a big house in the country so our kids and run and play outside and learn music and become musical geniuses like their father. Just one thing though, I'm going to be the best wife ever so you'd better fucking be the best husband or else I'll divorce your ass so hard and take all your money. Looking forward to lots of sex with you in the future,

-Miss. Emily
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Dear Miss. Emily;

What the hell are you doing? Look at the time, you are writing two exams back-to-back and you have less than 4 hours now to learn four months worth of material, way to go. You suck. Stop writing this minute and continue to read that textbook sitting right under your nose. Good luck failing out of university tomorrow, oh wait! You already will so I don't actually need to wish you luck, ok good. I hate you right now.

All the best (you loser)

-Miss. Emily
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I am more than you think I am.

And more than I believe I am sometimes. Thinking and being are not exclusive, and you helped show me that. We are alike in that respect, which you never knew. We are thinkers. That's why this is so easy for me. This feels good, and I'm happy.

Hope (noun, verb): 1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best, 2. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

I've decided that this is what has tripled my happiness in the past little while. Waterloo is only a temporary holding cell for my life while I finish my degree, and that has given me so much hope about the possibilities I have. My life could take any twist or turn after this, and I know I wont see it coming but that just gives me increased anticipation and impatience for what's coming next. I was in a rut and I guess it was because I had no clear line about the future. Everything was a bit hopeless and hazy but I can see the metamorphosis of my life coming and that exhilarates me!

Sometimes without hope, you have nothing. But sometimes with it, you have everything.

Juiced Lemon

I'm surprised at myself for wanting to leave here so badly. But I can see the end of this part of my life coming soon (four months from now) and I can't wait for what comes next. I'm excited for change this time. I'm done with Waterloo and with Laurier and with being a student. I've squeezed all the juice out of this lemon.

Maybe I'm just in a bad place with school right now, but I don't think I'll miss it as much as I should... or think I should. I believe that whatever happens after this will be just as or more fulfilling and I'll continue to learn and grow, just in a different environment. I need a change of scenery pretty badly.

If I knew I was going to die in real life, I promise wouldn't tell you in an e-mail

I should make my strange and far-from-normal dreams a regular feature post because I have so freaking many of them.

I dreamt last night that I kept having these erratic twitches that would shake my entire body, and they gradually were happening more and more frequently. I also was having problems concentrating in lecture (which isn't far from normal) so I decided something was wrong with me and went for a CAT scan. They told me I had brain cancer and only a few months to live, so I sent an e-mail to all my friends saying I was gonna die and if they wanted to say goodbye to me they could. I also got Chemo and lost all my hair so I turned into one of those cool bald chicks who wears hats. And then I inspired everyone by always saying things like, "Live each moment to the fullest," and "Love often and with all your heart" because I felt like I wasted my life. Then the best part of my dream was when I told my roommates that the one thing in life I really wanted was to fall in love and be proposed to and that never happened. So because they are the best roommates ever they all pooled their money and bought me an engagement ring. It was a nice one too, platinum with a princess-cut diamond. They all proposed to me with it, it was the sweetest thing. I guess when someones about to die, people stop caring about money, but I told them they could sell the ring after I died and get their money back if they wanted.

This dream was more vivid than the turtle one. My grandfather, my great-uncle and my great-great-uncle all died from brain cancer, so it's in my family and I had to go through the whole treatment process and everything in my dream. Don't even ask if I looked up the meaning of cancer in a dream dictionary because you know I am the most rational person and would never ever think of doing that:

To dream that you have cancer, denotes hopelessness, grief, self-pity, and unforgiveness. You feel you are wasting your life away. This dream also represents areas in your life which are bothering you, disturbing you, and hurting you in some emotional way.

Firstly, is "unforgiveness" even a word? Are these people making up words now? Secondly, I guess lately I've not been living my life the way I want to be and I feel that it's wasting away sometimes. And as for self-pity? A big YES there, and also to the part about certain areas of my life hurting me in an emotional way. Not that any of this is true of course. Good thing dream interpretation isn't a real thing! Why can't my dreams ever mean things like:

You'll win the lottery for seventy-trillion dollars and marry the most handsome man in the world who will be faithful to you until you both die in each other's arms of old age in your sleep.