Seventeen Days

I realize I haven't written in almost a month, don't yell at me.

I barely have time alone these days. The past four months have been solely about making money and trying to make other people happy. My life has taken a temporary backseat, but my reward will come to fruition very, very soon. I will be on the other side of the world for a long, long time writing from a place I've never been before. I'm putting myself in an unfamiliar position on purpose. I'm hoping that by removing comfort, everything will become comfortable. I'm hoping that all my years of wanting to do this will make sense and I'll finally understand why. I hope I get scared and I hope I become wiser because of it. And most of all I hope I can stick it out and prove to myself that I'm as strong and determined and worldly as I've always wanted to be.

Why do I want to leave, and why this particular place? I'm not sure, but I know it's been in my blood for a long time and I'm finally making it happen.

What will I do? I don't care. I'll figure that out when I get there.

When will I come back? I don't know. A year keeps resonating as an appropriate length of time, but I don't know what's going to happen. Maybe I'll never return.

What I do know is that right now, I'm anxious and excited and ready to go today, but at the same time wondering if I've made a mistake. I'm confused and proud and I don't know which of those emotions to focus on at any one point in time. I'm mostly everything at once. Teeming with an array of reactions in response to my choices, and unsure of exactly how I feel. But I do know that I'll return a different person than the one who's writing these words. One day I'll look back on this decision and it will all make sense. I have to do this in order to become the person I want to be.