Help in Proverbs

It's almost as if in running away I found myself
And in coming home I lost it again
I’m beginning to remember who I am at home
But I may like me better when I’m gone.

My home friends are loyal and consistent
My away friends are fun at best
And me, I feel like a gem
I can’t be polished without friction.

Call me, call me! Where am I meant to be?
Only I can show me the way.
I am alone again, uncomfortable in comfort.
Remove this safety net from beneath me
I want to fly.

I will forever keep this bough in my heart
And eventually the singing bird will come
I will light a candle rather than curse this darkness
Someone light me a match.

The search continues on and so does my lesson
We are all together on this one
Why do I feel so far when I’ve never been closer
Straining myself for some recognition of days past.

Call me, call me! Where am I meant to be?
Only I can show me the way.
I am alone again, uncomfortable in comfort.
Remove this safety net from beneath me
I want to fly.

This Season

Autumn by the Liffey is bitter cold on a good day. Yet I still find myself romanticizing the leaves crunching under my feet and rosy red cheeks. The air is different here, and I am becoming different here. Unfamiliarity has become familiar, and change has become the norm.

What will happen when I leave this nomadic chapter of my life? Will I begin another? I suppose it's my fate to be always chasing, always looking for something before I know what that something is, and I'm starting to become okay with that.

The river flows by quietly in this city. The leaves fall unheard and we pass each other by on the street like ghosts. We are in the same city now, oceans away from normality and strangely connected. This thought makes me feel so serendipitous; nothing like the lonely vagabond I thought I had become.

Tantalus: Thank you for pointing out this interesting coincidence! Life never fails to surprise me.

The Unrequited Girl

Despite everything, I can't manage to shake...

Thousands of miles of miles away, still etched inside my eyelids.

Every minute of silence is filled with echos of this...

I've tried to forget. I've really tried.

An open mind, a new attitude, a well-worn suitcase...

Yet the opening line of an old song can wash it all away.
My fate as the unrequited girl is becoming me...
It's almost more romantic like this, anyway.

I came looking for something, and have found something else. Not what I expected, but not disappointing. What/where/who else will I discover on my adventures? I have no idea. Even if I had one, I'm sure I would be proved wrong.

I have this constant battle with fear. I'm continuously conquering it in new ways, and it slowly becomes easier for me to manage, but it's always there. Somewhere brewing under the surface, manifesting itself in different circumstances, putting on a new mask or fooling me into thinking it's some other emotion: Jealousy, embarrassment, anxiety. Sometimes I don't recognize it until it's gone, but it's essentially the same thing every time. The war against myself. The fight against my own fear.

I'm not the first person to say these things. People can spend their entire life listening to others, believing and even understanding what they say: But until you experience those words on a personal level you'll remain ignorant. Books can tell you the truth, but the wisdom of truth is in experience.

The summer wind came blowing in from across the sea, and lingered there so warm and fair to walk with me. All summer long we sang this song, and strolled on golden sand. Two sweethearts and the summer wind.

Like paper kites those days and nights went flying by. The world was new beneath the blue umbrella sky. And softer than a piper man, one day it called to you, and I lost you to the summer wind.

The autumn wind and the winter wind have come and gone, and still those days, those lonely days, go on and on. And guess who sighs her lullabies through nights that never end? My fickle friend the summer wind; the summer wind.

You're looking at a happy girl. One with nothing to complain about, nothing to want and nothing to look back on. My eyes are forward for once. Nothing that's happened before this day (this very minute) matters. All I need is a good laugh, a hand to hold, my favourite song, a cup of coffee, a surprise, and maybe every once in awhile a warm blanket to sleep under in the afternoon.

Having someone else witness what we’re doing has made it seem so much more real. I guess routine makes the reality fall away.

I'll Be Fine

If there has been one thing I’ve learned from this trip thus far it has been that this feeling of unrest I’m trying to settle probably won’t ever go away.

What I’m looking for I may never find.

Even when I’m surrounded with people who love me, I still feel alone.

And most of all, my ghosts still haunt me.

I thought I would miss the basic amenities and the life I had gotten used to, but I really wasn't used to any kind of lifestyle. I had been a gypsy for a while already so I supposed it was more of a natural progression. There is nothing more liberating than knowing all you own in the world is contained in one suitcase. Before I left I gave away most of everything I own, because I wasn't going to need it anymore. It's just extra baggage, literally.

There is a certain culture about being a gypsy. There's an etiquette toward your fellow gypsies, and almost immediately you learn to live in a manner you never thought you would. You learn to live in the most basic way, to do without some things, to talk to strangers (which is scarier than it sounds). And most importantly you search for happiness. Fortunately, the quest itself, the actual process of looking so fervently, usually makes you pretty damn happy.

But what do I know. I'm just looking (in my own way) for what everyone is trying to find.

Tomorrow

It's time for me to do everything I've always wanted to do.

Four Days

And some days you feel so low you don't want to leave the safety of your own room. But sometimes certain people have the talent of shaking your confidence on a good day anyways, so what difference does it make?

Seven Days

I may or may not be losing my mind.

Time is crawling along at it's usual pace, but I'm not sure I want it to.

I'm in between wanting time to stop completely so I can catch my breath, and wanting time to speed forward 156 hours from now so I can finally stop broading.

Please help me cope with my anxiety, my fear, my excitment and all these other emotions I have yet to figure out.

Warm my hands and cool my head.

Seventeen Days

I realize I haven't written in almost a month, don't yell at me.

I barely have time alone these days. The past four months have been solely about making money and trying to make other people happy. My life has taken a temporary backseat, but my reward will come to fruition very, very soon. I will be on the other side of the world for a long, long time writing from a place I've never been before. I'm putting myself in an unfamiliar position on purpose. I'm hoping that by removing comfort, everything will become comfortable. I'm hoping that all my years of wanting to do this will make sense and I'll finally understand why. I hope I get scared and I hope I become wiser because of it. And most of all I hope I can stick it out and prove to myself that I'm as strong and determined and worldly as I've always wanted to be.

Why do I want to leave, and why this particular place? I'm not sure, but I know it's been in my blood for a long time and I'm finally making it happen.

What will I do? I don't care. I'll figure that out when I get there.

When will I come back? I don't know. A year keeps resonating as an appropriate length of time, but I don't know what's going to happen. Maybe I'll never return.

What I do know is that right now, I'm anxious and excited and ready to go today, but at the same time wondering if I've made a mistake. I'm confused and proud and I don't know which of those emotions to focus on at any one point in time. I'm mostly everything at once. Teeming with an array of reactions in response to my choices, and unsure of exactly how I feel. But I do know that I'll return a different person than the one who's writing these words. One day I'll look back on this decision and it will all make sense. I have to do this in order to become the person I want to be.