This Post is a Self-Indulgent Piece of Crap

I went to Cuba and you didn't. I pity you right now, I really do. Poor you. Highlights of the trip include:

- Rum Punch, also lovingly called "Ron Ponche." Don't know why.

- Salsa dancing until I could no longer feel my feet. Yes that's me, I have long hair.



- Sun. Which resulted in a tan.

- Sand, which was found in places I didn't even know I had places.

- No sex. Which means no Cuban babies.

- Lots of ruckus and destruction of private property and disturbing the lovely elderly couples that go to Cuba for a nice quiet vacation.

- Feeling like an adult surrounded by six-year-old who've had chocolate for breakfast and lunch and caffeine for dinner.

- Catamaran adventures and hermit crabs.

- Meeting several fling-worthy boys who coincidentally all had girlfriends. They should wear signs or something.

-Pina Coladas at 9:30am.

- Jellyfish near-death experiences.

- Learning the two most important phrases in Spanish, "Una vino blanco, por favor" and "Fiki fiki a la playa."

- Unpasteurized cheese.

- Developing a taste for seafood. Seafood that still has a face after its been cooked.

- Non-snow.

- Fourteen hour flight delays.

- Paraíso.

Do You Like Pina Coladas?

Dear Everyone;

In about 50 hours I will be here,














And here,














Also here,














And sitting by this pool. But I hope that annoying, lovey-dovey couple in the picture isn't there when we go, 'cause I might barf on them.














Feel free to be jealous, I know you are. Moving on.

I'm pretty proud of myself because I've been cooking a lot recently. This is a new development because since I moved to school almost four years ago I've frequented the local Subway, Pita Pit and Quick Sandwich for most of my meals. And by most I mean all. I'd make the occasional stir fry on the days when I was too lazy to leave the house, but nothing extravagant. Today, I made Thai Red Curry with chicken, zucchini, green beans, onion and carrots. Yesterday I made artichoke dip with vegetables and whole grain pitas. I've also recently made bruchetta with feta cheese on focacchia bread. So delicious, but not so much for my ass. Which will be seen very scantly clad in 2 days. I didn't think this through.

But seriously though, my ass will be just fine it's my nether-regions I'm still worried about. Countdown to hair being ripped out of my special place: 2 days.

I had another dream last night that warrants a review. I had a cat, who I loved and was my best friend. When I had an ex over for dinner, the cat repeatedly clawed at his face and tried to get away from him. He tried to make friends, but kitty wouldn't have it. There are a couple interesting things here. One is that I hate cats, so the fact that I dreamt that I owned one and loved him is a bit strange. Also, that my cat hated my ex when actually in real life I have a decent relationship with him.

To see a cat in your dream, signifies much misfortune, treachery, and bad luck. However, for the cat lover, cats signifies an independent spirit, feminine sexuality, creativity, and power. If the cat is aggressive, then it suggests that you are having problems with the feminine aspect of yourself.

To dream that a cat is biting you, symbolizes the devouring female. Perhaps you are taking and taking without giving. You may be expressing some fear or frustration especially when something is not going as planned.

Oooh La

1) I'm supposed to find some behaviour I do that I don't like and change it for the final assignment of my Behaviour Modification class. The problem is that I'm perfect, so I can't think of anything. I should probably tell my Prof and be exempted from this assignment.

2) Help me make this very difficult decision. Choice A: Go to Coachella after the finals of my last term of University undergrad life ever and spend a disgusting amount of money travelling across two countries to hear a great line-up of bands (would be better if Phoenix was there this year, I'm just saying.) Or Choice B: Go to work that weekend, which I was expecting to attend since September, and make money not disappointing all my students and not having to lie to my boss. I will consider any and all advice.

3) I'm getting a Brazilian. Yeah, you heard me right, I'm going to be spread eagle in front of a perfect stranger while she rips all the hairs out of my special place using hot wax. I'm totally insane, but also it's a prep for my trip to Cuba in eleven days. Wilfrid Laurier University Grad trip. You never know what could happen when you're drunk for eight days straight. My cha-cha could end up on the grad video and I want it to look goooood.

4) Just so you all know, my mom is better than yours. It's a scientific fact and we all know you can't argue science.

Hope boils over and keeps me warm in the winter, while everyone around me turns blue.

Justin Timberlake and the Black Cake

Welcome to another installment of "Miss.Emily has messed dreams which is probably a sign that she is crazy but she's been told that before so whatever." This one was a nap dream from earlier today.

It was the weekend of my wedding. I guess it was around April, 2008 cause I knew I was 23 and I had known my fiancee since October of 2007. I was all busy planning and rushing around trying to do wedding type stuff, wrapping up loose ends and all the crap that I'm sure goes into such an event. Anyways, the air in my dream was kinda dark through the whole thing. Like there was a black fog over everything all the time. And all this supernatural stuff kept happening that didn't really phase me at the time of the dream because I was so preoccupied with the wedding. I don't remember a lot of specifics but I do remember my cake turning black. Which is a pretty bad omen but it didn't affect me at all during the dream. So I had this bad feeling far, far at the back of my mind through the whole dream too, like I knew I didn't want to marry this guy. His initials were JT (and it's possible this is because I posted about Justin Timberlake yesterday.) And he was an amazing guy, handsome, nice, really intelligent and my parents loved him and I really think I loved him too. But there was this deep feeling of being strangled and confined by the thought of marrying him. I was determined to do it consciously, but unconsciously there was this intense fear that I was making a big mistake. No one else said anything to me except Kelly who somehow sensed that I shouldn't marry JT. She said, "You know you're allowed to say 'no' at the alter. You've only known this guy for 7 months, you don't have to do this." And although I half agreed with her, I almost felt obligated to marry him anyways because I loved him.

Now here comes the part where I'm sensible and don't search for meaning in this...

1) To see a marriage in your dream, signifies commitment, harmony or transitional period. You are undergoing an important developmental phase in your life. The dream may also represent the unification of formerly separate or opposite aspects of yourself. In particular, it is the union of masculine or feminine aspects of yourself. Consider the qualities and characteristics of the person that you are marrying. These are the qualities that you need to look at incorporating within yourself.

2) To see a wedding in your dream, symbolizes a new beginning or transition in your current life. Dreams involving weddings are often negative and highlight some anxiety or fear. It often refers to feelings of bitterness, sorrow, or death. Alternatively, wedding dreams reflect your issues about commitment and independence. To dream that you are planning your own wedding to someone you never met, is a metaphor symbolizing the union of your masculine and feminine side. It represents a transitional phase where you are seeking some sort of balance between your aggressive side and emotional side.

That anxiety stuff rings a bell. And a new transition. I'm trying to plan for graduate school at this point so I guess that's all that "new beginning" and "transition" stuff. This is a sign for sure. Or maybe it means that Justin Timberlake from the Bookstore is my future husband.

Blonde on the Inside

So one day I went to the Bookstore to buy these three books I needed for a class. Looked and looked over the shelves I did, and nope couldn't find them. So I went to ask for help from the two dreamboats that worked there, of course knowing that in the two minutes they would spend helping me they would learn how witty, charming, beautiful and intelligent I am and would want to marry me. So I'm waiting for help, it's very busy. I wait for a good five minutes and ask the Justin Timberlake clone about these books and he doesn't know so he asks the Zach Braff clone. Zach asks me to follow him, and of course I'm thinking "Wow, he wants to spend some one-on-one time with me because he wants to have beautiful babies together." And then in one sweeping motion he grabs all three books right off the shelf from where I was looking and hands them to me, not saying a word. I am thinking in my head, "WHAAAA jeez, I'm such a stupid bimbo. There's no way I'm buying these books right now, maybe I can slip away quietly and the hotties will forget that this ever happened." So I inconspicuously try to slither out the door when I hear the following conversation...

Justin Timberlake: "So, did you find those books?"
Zach Braff: "Yeah they were on the shelf dude."
Justin Timberlake: "Yeah right!" (Laughter of disbelief and mockery ensues.)

Thus, I am stupid. The end.

I'm wondering if I'll regret wishing these next four months away.

The more I think about it, the more I realize I'm trying so hard to get something I may not really want.

Keeping asking me, I kinda like it. But I'll never say yes.

This is how I want to be, not how I am. I'm trying hard to change my thoughts on purpose.

Make the most of it. I don't know if I can.

This is so hard. I'm only really strong on the outside.

Vegetables are good for you

1) Question: What do you do when one of your favourite aspects of your own personality is one that annoys the hell out of a good friend? Just ignore them or change or what? I guess I'm just pretty arrogant and think there's nothing wrong with me so when someone says there is I'm pretty surprised. "Wait... I'm not perfect?"

2) I've started drinking V-8 because vegetables are good for you, d'uh. It tastes like tomatoes mixed with gasoline and some vomit too because of those little chunks. I just chug it down, like one would chug a tomato/gas/vomit combo. I've also contemplated becoming a full-fledged vegetarian lately because I already don't eat any red meat or fish and I eat chicken maybe once a day. Hello health kick, how are you doing? When my ass turns into the most beautiful thing I've ever seen I'll take a picture of it for you.

3) I'm going to add a post-script new years resolution to my list, and that is to go to class. I've skipped three classes already in the first three days of school, go me.

4) So I don't know the etiquette about cell phones yet, I'm a new user. What happens when you get your phonebook full of numbers that you add while at the bar? You know, those people you insist you'll call again but never do? Can you delete them? Or is it courtesy to keep them for awhile until you go through them and say, who the hell are "Phil" and "Jason" and forget when you even added the number and then delete them? Or do you keep them just so people will think you're a huge pimp because you get a lot of numbers? Or do you wait a couple months and then call Phil or Jason and say, "Oh, I had your number in my phone and was wondering who you are?" and then make a date with them because of this funny story you have together and you can tell people that's how you met?

5) I went shopping today and spent $257 that I don't have. Look at the jacket I bought, not at my face in the picture. I look like I'm about to commit murder to babies. This jacket is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, not including non-material stuff like life and sex. I always secretly make fun of people who take pictures of their reflections in mirrors, which is why I hid the camera at the side and took off the flash so no one would know, except now you know. I give you permission to mock me. But not the jacket, I don't want it's feelings to be hurt.

I Resolve: The 2007 Edition

Last year I had a whole list of resolutions that I did or did not keep for a period of time. This year I have only two but they're big ones. Really big.

1) Go to the gym five times a week. This is the big one I had from last year which I actually kept until I got mono and couldn't walk for a month and I haven't been to the gym since. If you do the math I've been gymless for about seven months now. Eeek. Thus, I resolve to go to the gym five days a week starting yesterday.

2) To finish all my papers the day before so I can sleep. No more all nighters, no more half-assed papers because I avoid stress like the plague. "Dear Emily; The more you put things of the more stressed you will be and the more tired. Stop avoiding the inevitable!"

I can't fail now that my goals are documented on the Internet. People are watching me...

Enjoying Freedom

I don't care. I'm surprised at my own non-caringness, but very excited. Life is way less stressful this way. There could be two reasons for this new line of thinking;

1) I'm selfish and don't give a damn about anyone but myself, or

2) I'm only moderately selfish and have realised that people have their own shit going on all the time and this may or may not affect me. Either way it doesn't matter.

Everyone is selfish for the most part, so caring what other people think about you is pointless. They really only care about themselves in the end anyways.
__________

Emily's favourite song's of 2006 list in no particular order:

1) Banquet - Bloc Party
2) Who Are You, Defenders of the Universe? - The Dears
3) One More Night - Stars
4) When the War Came - The Decemberists
5) Wake Up - The Arcade Fire
6) Naked as we Came - Iron & Wine
7) One Evening - Feist
8) The Widow - The Mars Volta
9) Bridge to Nowhere - Sam Roberts
10) The Twist - Metric
11) If I Ever Feel Better - Phoenix
12) Supermassive Black Hole - Muse
13) Sexual Healing - Ben Harper
14) Talkshow Host - Radiohead
15) From What I Once Was - Neverending White Lights
16) There There (The Boney King of Nowhere) - Radiohead
17) Black Swan - Thom York
18) You are a Runner and I am my Father's Son - Wolfparade
19) It's all Understood - Jack Johnson
20) Gold Lion - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
21) I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You) - John Mayer
22) Somersault - Zero 7

You don't care what my favourite songs were this year? Shut up, yes you do. Now go download them and enjoy, biatch.
__________

I got my parents my graduation photos for Christmas, and when they opened it they both cried.

Haha, mom and dad now everyone on the Internet knows that you cried!

I got a new cell phone, leather boots and other stuff including gift certificates with which I already bought a little black dress for new years. We've got a hotel room this weekend and we're going skiing Saturday with all the crap loads and piles and piles of snow, holy shit there's so much snow! Not really, we're going to ski down slopes of watery fake snow and grass.
__________

"Don't settle" they all say, but then what? Maybe the thing right in front of my face is perfect for me, but I can't see it. Maybe I'm blinded by the idea of something better. Something perfect.

The Nutcracker

Is it possible that someone could be more excited than me, Miss.Emily, to be seeing the National Ballet's Nutcracker tonight? The answer to that question is a resounding and explicitly negative...

Hell no.

I saw the Nutcracker when I was two years old or so, and I still remember the ambiance and excitement of the whole experience. I remember specific scenes even, which is amazing for having seen it at such a young age. My favourite was the dance of the snowflakes, because I thought those ballerinas were so enchanting dancing completely in sync and in matching tutus. That scene is the archetypal ballet scene in my mind to this day. Watching this ballet changed me. I wanted to be the sugar plum fairy. I wanted to be Marie. I wanted to be a ballerina.

After my parents took me to see the show, I demanded to be put in ballet immediately and they bought me the Nutcracker soundtrack. I memorized every song and danced around my room spinning and leaping and fantasizing about the day I would be up there in my own beautiful costume with a handsome prince twirling me around the stage. This show is the reason why ballet is such an important part of my life today, and still gets me so excited every time I see it.

I haven't seen the National's Nutcracker in twenty years, so this is an overwhelming moment for me. Going back after all this time to the place where my obsession with dance started. Amber is taking me for my birthday so I can thank her for my twenty-year reunion. She has never seen it before (I know!) so she'll have to put up with me ignoring her through the show and shhhing her if she has questions. There is no talking during the Nutcracker!

I'll tell you how it goes.

Oooh oh oh uh-huh

1) I have an exam tomorrow, so the rule is I must be counter-productive and write a blog.

2) I can't decide whether drunkenness reveals mine and other people's true colours, or whether all the normal rules of politeness and morality should be discarded for the night.

3) I've made it my goal to come up with a list of my top five bands of all time. This is a difficult task because while everyone can enjoy many many artists, there are only a few that really affect us in a certain way. You know, the feeling that you're actually falling in love with the music and that your soul is saturated with every nuance in every song. That you can really relate to their sound in a way that almost changes your life, and every time you hear them you want to sing along at the top of your lungs. I have come up with four out of five: Radiohead, Led Zepplin, Muse and Phoenix. Here are some serious contenders for the fifth spot: John Mayer (also known as the future Mr. Emily), The Arcade Fire, Metric, Our Lady Peace, Incubus, Zero 7 or The Dears. All of whom are fantastic artists, but aren't quite there on the level of I-love-this-band-so-hard-in-my-soul-to-the-point-of-near-insanity.

4) Speaking of love, I can't get enough of Raymi. Check out this girl if you haven't already, she's a kick ass writer and her style is whatever falls out of her head, through her fingertips and onto the keyboard at the time, forget about grammar. I'm addicted, so luckily she posts every day so I can procrastinate even more than I already do. Also, she's hot and sometimes shows her tits.

To Whom it May Concern...

Dear Old Phone;

Sincerest regrets but after four years of faithful service I'm going to have to replace you. Your reception has been lacking lately, you weigh approximately five pounds and you have no call display, voicemail or other features I desperately need.



My new phone, who I lovingly call "baby," is way sexier than you. I'm already in lust and I know we'll have a long, happy relationship together. She actually fits in my purse and she vibrates... you've never once vibrated for me. I'm sorry, but it's just not working out. All the best,

-Miss. Emily

__________

Dear Grilled Cheese Sandwich;

I made you at 4:30am and you the the most delicious thing I've ever put in my mouth. I'm writing an exam in 4 hours and I've wasted precious study time making you, but I don't care! You taste like little pieces of heaven dipped in ketchup.

Love,

-Miss. Emily
__________

Dear John Mayer;

I'm not one to predict the future or anything, but we're going to get married and buy a big house in the country so our kids and run and play outside and learn music and become musical geniuses like their father. Just one thing though, I'm going to be the best wife ever so you'd better fucking be the best husband or else I'll divorce your ass so hard and take all your money. Looking forward to lots of sex with you in the future,

-Miss. Emily
__________

Dear Miss. Emily;

What the hell are you doing? Look at the time, you are writing two exams back-to-back and you have less than 4 hours now to learn four months worth of material, way to go. You suck. Stop writing this minute and continue to read that textbook sitting right under your nose. Good luck failing out of university tomorrow, oh wait! You already will so I don't actually need to wish you luck, ok good. I hate you right now.

All the best (you loser)

-Miss. Emily
__________

I am more than you think I am.

And more than I believe I am sometimes. Thinking and being are not exclusive, and you helped show me that. We are alike in that respect, which you never knew. We are thinkers. That's why this is so easy for me. This feels good, and I'm happy.

Hope (noun, verb): 1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best, 2. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

I've decided that this is what has tripled my happiness in the past little while. Waterloo is only a temporary holding cell for my life while I finish my degree, and that has given me so much hope about the possibilities I have. My life could take any twist or turn after this, and I know I wont see it coming but that just gives me increased anticipation and impatience for what's coming next. I was in a rut and I guess it was because I had no clear line about the future. Everything was a bit hopeless and hazy but I can see the metamorphosis of my life coming and that exhilarates me!

Sometimes without hope, you have nothing. But sometimes with it, you have everything.

Juiced Lemon

I'm surprised at myself for wanting to leave here so badly. But I can see the end of this part of my life coming soon (four months from now) and I can't wait for what comes next. I'm excited for change this time. I'm done with Waterloo and with Laurier and with being a student. I've squeezed all the juice out of this lemon.

Maybe I'm just in a bad place with school right now, but I don't think I'll miss it as much as I should... or think I should. I believe that whatever happens after this will be just as or more fulfilling and I'll continue to learn and grow, just in a different environment. I need a change of scenery pretty badly.

If I knew I was going to die in real life, I promise wouldn't tell you in an e-mail

I should make my strange and far-from-normal dreams a regular feature post because I have so freaking many of them.

I dreamt last night that I kept having these erratic twitches that would shake my entire body, and they gradually were happening more and more frequently. I also was having problems concentrating in lecture (which isn't far from normal) so I decided something was wrong with me and went for a CAT scan. They told me I had brain cancer and only a few months to live, so I sent an e-mail to all my friends saying I was gonna die and if they wanted to say goodbye to me they could. I also got Chemo and lost all my hair so I turned into one of those cool bald chicks who wears hats. And then I inspired everyone by always saying things like, "Live each moment to the fullest," and "Love often and with all your heart" because I felt like I wasted my life. Then the best part of my dream was when I told my roommates that the one thing in life I really wanted was to fall in love and be proposed to and that never happened. So because they are the best roommates ever they all pooled their money and bought me an engagement ring. It was a nice one too, platinum with a princess-cut diamond. They all proposed to me with it, it was the sweetest thing. I guess when someones about to die, people stop caring about money, but I told them they could sell the ring after I died and get their money back if they wanted.

This dream was more vivid than the turtle one. My grandfather, my great-uncle and my great-great-uncle all died from brain cancer, so it's in my family and I had to go through the whole treatment process and everything in my dream. Don't even ask if I looked up the meaning of cancer in a dream dictionary because you know I am the most rational person and would never ever think of doing that:

To dream that you have cancer, denotes hopelessness, grief, self-pity, and unforgiveness. You feel you are wasting your life away. This dream also represents areas in your life which are bothering you, disturbing you, and hurting you in some emotional way.

Firstly, is "unforgiveness" even a word? Are these people making up words now? Secondly, I guess lately I've not been living my life the way I want to be and I feel that it's wasting away sometimes. And as for self-pity? A big YES there, and also to the part about certain areas of my life hurting me in an emotional way. Not that any of this is true of course. Good thing dream interpretation isn't a real thing! Why can't my dreams ever mean things like:

You'll win the lottery for seventy-trillion dollars and marry the most handsome man in the world who will be faithful to you until you both die in each other's arms of old age in your sleep.

Tangled in your sheets and my thoughts. Tangled hair and twisted hands, pull the day away with one sweeping motion. Billowing like sails, they help us float away.

I'm in League with the Foe

This term has gone by too fast for a girl who doesn't know what the shit is supposed to happen after all this.
__________

I'm 22 now. The three day birthday extravaganza is over and now I can start settling into my new age. Twenty-two will be different. I'm ready for 22.
__________

I didn't think making such a decision would be so easy. I didn't know that I knew what needed to be done, and more importantly I didn't think I'd have the strength to do it. But I am stronger than I thought which makes this easier and I'm almost happy with the whole thing. I wouldn't go back if I could. I have my strength back along with my hope for something better. I had lost some hope for awhile, but I'm a strong girl. A resilient girl. I am happier now, and back to hoping and looking for love.
__________

"I can tell from your hair and your confidence."
"From just that you can tell I'm in psychology?"
"Confident people have the ability to look into themselves, find flaws and reasons for those flaws objectively without losing faith in themselves or mankind. Insecure people can't do that."
"What about my hair?"
"Oh, you just have nice hair."
__________

They say an end can be a start.
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive.
It's like a bad day that never ends; I feel the chaos around me.
A thing I don't try to deny, I'd better learn to accept that there are things in my life that I can't control.
They say love ain't nothing but a sore, I don't even know what love is.
Too many tears have had to fall, don't you know I'm so tired of it all.
I have known terror dizzy spells. Finding out the secrets words won't tell, whatever it is it can't be named; There's a part of my world that' s fading away.
You know I don't want to be clever, to be brilliant or superior.
True like ice, true like fire, now I know that a breeze can blow me away.
Now I know there's much more dignity in defeat than in the brightest victory.
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope, tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you. You can give me your number, when it's all over I'll let you know.

Hang on to the good days, I can lean on my friends. They help me going through hard times.
But I'm feeding the enemy; I'm in league with the foe.
Blame me for what's happening, I can't try, I can't try, I can't try...
No one knows the hard times I went through. If happiness came I missed the call.
The stormy days ain't over, I've tried and lost now I think that I pay the cost.
Now I've watched all my castles fall, they were made of dust, after all.
Someday all this mess will make me laugh, I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait...

If I ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you. You can give me your number, when it's all over I'll let you know.

It's like somebody took my place, I ain't even playing my own game. The rules have changed well I didn't know.
There are things in my life I can't control. I feel the chaos around me, a thing I don't try to deny.
I'd better learn to accept that there's a part of my life that will go away.
Dark is the night, cold is the ground, in the circular solitude of my heart.
As one who strives a hill to climb, I am sure I'll come through I don't know how.
They say an end can be a start. Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive. I'm losing my balance on the tight rope, tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

Phoenix, "If I Ever Feel Better."
__________