Enjoying Freedom

I don't care. I'm surprised at my own non-caringness, but very excited. Life is way less stressful this way. There could be two reasons for this new line of thinking;

1) I'm selfish and don't give a damn about anyone but myself, or

2) I'm only moderately selfish and have realised that people have their own shit going on all the time and this may or may not affect me. Either way it doesn't matter.

Everyone is selfish for the most part, so caring what other people think about you is pointless. They really only care about themselves in the end anyways.
__________

Emily's favourite song's of 2006 list in no particular order:

1) Banquet - Bloc Party
2) Who Are You, Defenders of the Universe? - The Dears
3) One More Night - Stars
4) When the War Came - The Decemberists
5) Wake Up - The Arcade Fire
6) Naked as we Came - Iron & Wine
7) One Evening - Feist
8) The Widow - The Mars Volta
9) Bridge to Nowhere - Sam Roberts
10) The Twist - Metric
11) If I Ever Feel Better - Phoenix
12) Supermassive Black Hole - Muse
13) Sexual Healing - Ben Harper
14) Talkshow Host - Radiohead
15) From What I Once Was - Neverending White Lights
16) There There (The Boney King of Nowhere) - Radiohead
17) Black Swan - Thom York
18) You are a Runner and I am my Father's Son - Wolfparade
19) It's all Understood - Jack Johnson
20) Gold Lion - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
21) I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You) - John Mayer
22) Somersault - Zero 7

You don't care what my favourite songs were this year? Shut up, yes you do. Now go download them and enjoy, biatch.
__________

I got my parents my graduation photos for Christmas, and when they opened it they both cried.

Haha, mom and dad now everyone on the Internet knows that you cried!

I got a new cell phone, leather boots and other stuff including gift certificates with which I already bought a little black dress for new years. We've got a hotel room this weekend and we're going skiing Saturday with all the crap loads and piles and piles of snow, holy shit there's so much snow! Not really, we're going to ski down slopes of watery fake snow and grass.
__________

"Don't settle" they all say, but then what? Maybe the thing right in front of my face is perfect for me, but I can't see it. Maybe I'm blinded by the idea of something better. Something perfect.

The Nutcracker

Is it possible that someone could be more excited than me, Miss.Emily, to be seeing the National Ballet's Nutcracker tonight? The answer to that question is a resounding and explicitly negative...

Hell no.

I saw the Nutcracker when I was two years old or so, and I still remember the ambiance and excitement of the whole experience. I remember specific scenes even, which is amazing for having seen it at such a young age. My favourite was the dance of the snowflakes, because I thought those ballerinas were so enchanting dancing completely in sync and in matching tutus. That scene is the archetypal ballet scene in my mind to this day. Watching this ballet changed me. I wanted to be the sugar plum fairy. I wanted to be Marie. I wanted to be a ballerina.

After my parents took me to see the show, I demanded to be put in ballet immediately and they bought me the Nutcracker soundtrack. I memorized every song and danced around my room spinning and leaping and fantasizing about the day I would be up there in my own beautiful costume with a handsome prince twirling me around the stage. This show is the reason why ballet is such an important part of my life today, and still gets me so excited every time I see it.

I haven't seen the National's Nutcracker in twenty years, so this is an overwhelming moment for me. Going back after all this time to the place where my obsession with dance started. Amber is taking me for my birthday so I can thank her for my twenty-year reunion. She has never seen it before (I know!) so she'll have to put up with me ignoring her through the show and shhhing her if she has questions. There is no talking during the Nutcracker!

I'll tell you how it goes.

Oooh oh oh uh-huh

1) I have an exam tomorrow, so the rule is I must be counter-productive and write a blog.

2) I can't decide whether drunkenness reveals mine and other people's true colours, or whether all the normal rules of politeness and morality should be discarded for the night.

3) I've made it my goal to come up with a list of my top five bands of all time. This is a difficult task because while everyone can enjoy many many artists, there are only a few that really affect us in a certain way. You know, the feeling that you're actually falling in love with the music and that your soul is saturated with every nuance in every song. That you can really relate to their sound in a way that almost changes your life, and every time you hear them you want to sing along at the top of your lungs. I have come up with four out of five: Radiohead, Led Zepplin, Muse and Phoenix. Here are some serious contenders for the fifth spot: John Mayer (also known as the future Mr. Emily), The Arcade Fire, Metric, Our Lady Peace, Incubus, Zero 7 or The Dears. All of whom are fantastic artists, but aren't quite there on the level of I-love-this-band-so-hard-in-my-soul-to-the-point-of-near-insanity.

4) Speaking of love, I can't get enough of Raymi. Check out this girl if you haven't already, she's a kick ass writer and her style is whatever falls out of her head, through her fingertips and onto the keyboard at the time, forget about grammar. I'm addicted, so luckily she posts every day so I can procrastinate even more than I already do. Also, she's hot and sometimes shows her tits.

To Whom it May Concern...

Dear Old Phone;

Sincerest regrets but after four years of faithful service I'm going to have to replace you. Your reception has been lacking lately, you weigh approximately five pounds and you have no call display, voicemail or other features I desperately need.



My new phone, who I lovingly call "baby," is way sexier than you. I'm already in lust and I know we'll have a long, happy relationship together. She actually fits in my purse and she vibrates... you've never once vibrated for me. I'm sorry, but it's just not working out. All the best,

-Miss. Emily

__________

Dear Grilled Cheese Sandwich;

I made you at 4:30am and you the the most delicious thing I've ever put in my mouth. I'm writing an exam in 4 hours and I've wasted precious study time making you, but I don't care! You taste like little pieces of heaven dipped in ketchup.

Love,

-Miss. Emily
__________

Dear John Mayer;

I'm not one to predict the future or anything, but we're going to get married and buy a big house in the country so our kids and run and play outside and learn music and become musical geniuses like their father. Just one thing though, I'm going to be the best wife ever so you'd better fucking be the best husband or else I'll divorce your ass so hard and take all your money. Looking forward to lots of sex with you in the future,

-Miss. Emily
__________

Dear Miss. Emily;

What the hell are you doing? Look at the time, you are writing two exams back-to-back and you have less than 4 hours now to learn four months worth of material, way to go. You suck. Stop writing this minute and continue to read that textbook sitting right under your nose. Good luck failing out of university tomorrow, oh wait! You already will so I don't actually need to wish you luck, ok good. I hate you right now.

All the best (you loser)

-Miss. Emily
__________

I am more than you think I am.

And more than I believe I am sometimes. Thinking and being are not exclusive, and you helped show me that. We are alike in that respect, which you never knew. We are thinkers. That's why this is so easy for me. This feels good, and I'm happy.

Hope (noun, verb): 1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best, 2. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

I've decided that this is what has tripled my happiness in the past little while. Waterloo is only a temporary holding cell for my life while I finish my degree, and that has given me so much hope about the possibilities I have. My life could take any twist or turn after this, and I know I wont see it coming but that just gives me increased anticipation and impatience for what's coming next. I was in a rut and I guess it was because I had no clear line about the future. Everything was a bit hopeless and hazy but I can see the metamorphosis of my life coming and that exhilarates me!

Sometimes without hope, you have nothing. But sometimes with it, you have everything.

Juiced Lemon

I'm surprised at myself for wanting to leave here so badly. But I can see the end of this part of my life coming soon (four months from now) and I can't wait for what comes next. I'm excited for change this time. I'm done with Waterloo and with Laurier and with being a student. I've squeezed all the juice out of this lemon.

Maybe I'm just in a bad place with school right now, but I don't think I'll miss it as much as I should... or think I should. I believe that whatever happens after this will be just as or more fulfilling and I'll continue to learn and grow, just in a different environment. I need a change of scenery pretty badly.

If I knew I was going to die in real life, I promise wouldn't tell you in an e-mail

I should make my strange and far-from-normal dreams a regular feature post because I have so freaking many of them.

I dreamt last night that I kept having these erratic twitches that would shake my entire body, and they gradually were happening more and more frequently. I also was having problems concentrating in lecture (which isn't far from normal) so I decided something was wrong with me and went for a CAT scan. They told me I had brain cancer and only a few months to live, so I sent an e-mail to all my friends saying I was gonna die and if they wanted to say goodbye to me they could. I also got Chemo and lost all my hair so I turned into one of those cool bald chicks who wears hats. And then I inspired everyone by always saying things like, "Live each moment to the fullest," and "Love often and with all your heart" because I felt like I wasted my life. Then the best part of my dream was when I told my roommates that the one thing in life I really wanted was to fall in love and be proposed to and that never happened. So because they are the best roommates ever they all pooled their money and bought me an engagement ring. It was a nice one too, platinum with a princess-cut diamond. They all proposed to me with it, it was the sweetest thing. I guess when someones about to die, people stop caring about money, but I told them they could sell the ring after I died and get their money back if they wanted.

This dream was more vivid than the turtle one. My grandfather, my great-uncle and my great-great-uncle all died from brain cancer, so it's in my family and I had to go through the whole treatment process and everything in my dream. Don't even ask if I looked up the meaning of cancer in a dream dictionary because you know I am the most rational person and would never ever think of doing that:

To dream that you have cancer, denotes hopelessness, grief, self-pity, and unforgiveness. You feel you are wasting your life away. This dream also represents areas in your life which are bothering you, disturbing you, and hurting you in some emotional way.

Firstly, is "unforgiveness" even a word? Are these people making up words now? Secondly, I guess lately I've not been living my life the way I want to be and I feel that it's wasting away sometimes. And as for self-pity? A big YES there, and also to the part about certain areas of my life hurting me in an emotional way. Not that any of this is true of course. Good thing dream interpretation isn't a real thing! Why can't my dreams ever mean things like:

You'll win the lottery for seventy-trillion dollars and marry the most handsome man in the world who will be faithful to you until you both die in each other's arms of old age in your sleep.

Tangled in your sheets and my thoughts. Tangled hair and twisted hands, pull the day away with one sweeping motion. Billowing like sails, they help us float away.

I'm in League with the Foe

This term has gone by too fast for a girl who doesn't know what the shit is supposed to happen after all this.
__________

I'm 22 now. The three day birthday extravaganza is over and now I can start settling into my new age. Twenty-two will be different. I'm ready for 22.
__________

I didn't think making such a decision would be so easy. I didn't know that I knew what needed to be done, and more importantly I didn't think I'd have the strength to do it. But I am stronger than I thought which makes this easier and I'm almost happy with the whole thing. I wouldn't go back if I could. I have my strength back along with my hope for something better. I had lost some hope for awhile, but I'm a strong girl. A resilient girl. I am happier now, and back to hoping and looking for love.
__________

"I can tell from your hair and your confidence."
"From just that you can tell I'm in psychology?"
"Confident people have the ability to look into themselves, find flaws and reasons for those flaws objectively without losing faith in themselves or mankind. Insecure people can't do that."
"What about my hair?"
"Oh, you just have nice hair."
__________

They say an end can be a start.
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive.
It's like a bad day that never ends; I feel the chaos around me.
A thing I don't try to deny, I'd better learn to accept that there are things in my life that I can't control.
They say love ain't nothing but a sore, I don't even know what love is.
Too many tears have had to fall, don't you know I'm so tired of it all.
I have known terror dizzy spells. Finding out the secrets words won't tell, whatever it is it can't be named; There's a part of my world that' s fading away.
You know I don't want to be clever, to be brilliant or superior.
True like ice, true like fire, now I know that a breeze can blow me away.
Now I know there's much more dignity in defeat than in the brightest victory.
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope, tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you. You can give me your number, when it's all over I'll let you know.

Hang on to the good days, I can lean on my friends. They help me going through hard times.
But I'm feeding the enemy; I'm in league with the foe.
Blame me for what's happening, I can't try, I can't try, I can't try...
No one knows the hard times I went through. If happiness came I missed the call.
The stormy days ain't over, I've tried and lost now I think that I pay the cost.
Now I've watched all my castles fall, they were made of dust, after all.
Someday all this mess will make me laugh, I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait...

If I ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you. You can give me your number, when it's all over I'll let you know.

It's like somebody took my place, I ain't even playing my own game. The rules have changed well I didn't know.
There are things in my life I can't control. I feel the chaos around me, a thing I don't try to deny.
I'd better learn to accept that there's a part of my life that will go away.
Dark is the night, cold is the ground, in the circular solitude of my heart.
As one who strives a hill to climb, I am sure I'll come through I don't know how.
They say an end can be a start. Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive. I'm losing my balance on the tight rope, tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

Phoenix, "If I Ever Feel Better."
__________

I'm Feeding the Enemy

1) Wow, I can't believe how amazing Phoenix is. I've been downloading a crap-load of new music lately including the latter and We Are Scientists, Marc Andre, Wolf Parade and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. All quality.

2) I wish I was cooler. Like an indie chick or something who wears hightops and has a weird hairdo but it suits her. Weird hairdos do not suit me, I'd look like a poser. But maybe I'd start out as a poser and then I'd become indie just from acting like it for so long. I'll try it. No more shopping at the mall.

3) Only two more weeks of school to go, but pretty much it's the whole semester of school condensed into these two weeks because I suck at doing work when I'm supposed to.

4) I've made a resolution to change. I will wait for no one. Life is too short to wait for shit to happen. Everyone's working out their own shit at their own pace, and that's fine but I'm not going to wait for people to get it together when I'm ready to move on. I'm like the hare racing past the tortoise. Maybe slow and steady is your way, but it's not for me suckaaaas!

5) One week until my birthday. Pretty soon I'll be too old to enjoy getting older. Twenty-two, holy crap.

Your indifference strikes a familiar chord. Show me this time is different, like you said it would be. Show me.

This is the last time. Please give a shit.

I am SO Rational

Ok, so I'm in psychology which means I should be able to distinguish true psychologies from pseudo-psychologies like for example, astrology or those dumb-ass personality tests they have all over the internet that end up telling you nice things about yourself so you say, "Oh! That stuff is all true! I'm a cool person, and this personality test is so freaky and right!" However, the catch is that even though I can spot that pseudo-psychology shit from a mile away, I use it anyways. I take those personality tests all the time and I check my horoscope even though I know it wont make a difference anyways.

So I had the most vivid dream last night where I had some broccoli in the fridge that I forgot about for a couple weeks, but I decided I'd eat it anyways. So it was all slimy and stuff, and I was chopping it and I look down and it was covered in baby turtles. There were at least fifty of these teeny-tiny turtles crawling all over the counter and in the broccoli and they were under my shirt too, crawling around. It turns out a turtle had somehow laid it's eggs inside my broccoli and they had hatched while it was rotting in the fridge. So this dream had me so worked up and I wanted to remember it so in the middle of the night I got up and wrote "turtles" on my white board in big, sleepy letters.

Being the bright, young psychology student that I am, I don't believe that dreams have any profound meaning. I don't think they represent your repressed thoughts surfacing or your underlying desires rising up from your unconscious. In fact, I believe they are random combinations of neurons firing during REM sleep and often times we dream about things that happened that day or that week simply because those are the newest neuron connections in your brain. I actually do have broccoli in the fridge that will go bad very soon, so I had a "rotting broccoli" neural connection firing in my dream last night. Because I am so sensible and scientific and rational, I obviously did not look up the meaning of turtles in a dream dictionary:

To see turtles in your dream, suggests that you will make slow but steady progress. You need to slow down and pace yourself. Alternatively, it indicates that you are sheltering yourself from the realities of life.

This analysis is so general, it could apply to anyone's life. That's the beauty of this sort of thing. The people who write these interpretations make them seem specific but really if anyone thought hard enough they would think, "Oh, they're right I should slow down and pace myself in my life. I need to face reality." Good thing I'm rational and can see through the veil of this pseudo-psychoanalysis!

Next post: How I shelter myself from the realities in my life.

I've Been Meaning to Tell You...

So a couple thoughts have been running through my jumble-y, indecisive brain lately...

1) I've "decided" what to "do" with my "life" recently. And that is...
- Finish the last half credit of my degree this summer,
- Work from April to December doing whatever,
- Apply to Graduate programs within that time (still don't know what for),
- Have my convocation next November 2007,
- Take the following few months to travel (or work, depending how poor I am),
- Start Grad school September, 2008.
I haven't told my parents or really anyone but you, but I'm happy with the slow pace of the whole thing. I need some time because I consider whatever it is that's happening after undergrad to be pretty serious business. Whatever it is I decide to do in Graduate school is pretty much determining my career, so I figure what's the rush? I can really sift through my options this way and take my time in deciding what I really want to do.

2) I started calorie counting recently. I found a website that automatically calculates how many calories you take in daily, after you type in what you've eaten. I did this because I want to loose some flab before I head to Cuba in February. But lately this little website is becoming an obsession. I think about food all the time and what I can and cannot eat. I no longer eat when I'm hungry, but when it's meal time. I no longer eat what I want, but what I think I should. I'm turning into one of those annoying girls that starves herself and then binges and constantly obsesses about her food. That is NOT me. I like my body, even my flab. I don't want to be perfect and I hate perfect people. They're not unique. I am no cliche! Rage against the machine! I deleted my website account today. Back to eating healthy and exercising when I want to, and not feeling guilty about every cookie that passes my lips!

3) My birthday is coming up! And just so you know, I like presents.

4) Are all men confusing, or just the ones I like? And do men think we're equally confusing? Is everyone just confused all the time? They should call it "perpetual perplexity" instead of a "relationship." Someone please explain it to me.

5) I'm getting a tattoo. I know what and where, but not when. I'll post pictures once I've grown the balls to go.

6) Ski season is approaching! Yet another reason to get in shape. This year I will make the effort to go (even though I say that every year.)

7) I miss you all and love you.

Not Ready

I sat at my desk with my coffee and my slippers and my textbook reading yesterday. It was snowing outside my window and warm inside my sweater. This was the first time I've really felt like a student and that I deserve to be here. Like I was actually earning my degree in that moment, and every other moment I was just faking it. I'm almost done, and haven't felt real once. Except for yesterday, that was real.

I go to class regularly this year. I didn't last year, or the year before. Why? I'm leaving. I like my courses. Less pressure. All of these things together, and I'm finally feeling good about my education. But I have to leave next year. I'm leaving next year.

I want to do it again. I do have regrets about my education, and I would do it differently if I could. I'd work harder. It's so easy to take something like this for granted, and now that I'm almost twenty-two I can fathom the value of this degree. Not just physical value, but personal value in my own growth and development. I didn't take as much as I could have from this experience and it makes me sad. I love learning new things, but I didn't learn enough here. I'm not satiated yet. There are too many things I don't know. I'm not ready to leave yet.

And I'll fill your heart with the joy in my own. Don't worry brother, we'll float on alright together.

Why do I bother? Because it's in my nature to give the benefit of the doubt and I'm curious. Curious to see if everything will resolve itself and people will learn from their mistakes. Often they don't. We're not as smart as we think we are.

Because I like you. More than you like me, and that used to be enough but I'm not so sure anymore. Moving around in circles gets us nowhere, and I'm getting dizzy.

I've lost my rhythm. I can't hear the down beat in my own song.

"You followed your heart. You shouldn't feel shame in that."

Yet each day that goes by it gets worse and I get more and more frustrated that I am a silly girl. Just a silly girl who can't resist a charming word or two and a kiss. Following my heart is what hurts me, but I have a big heart and I love with all of it. A hopeful romantic at the best of times and a scorned lover at the worst.

I am looking for love, always. And yes, it will be worth all this trouble.

I don't cry for myself anymore, only for others. I don't know if this is good or bad.

Merci Beaucoup

In the spirit of the holiday I will do as Canadians do at this time of the year and recognize all the things I should be thankful for on a regular basis. Of course, a lot of the things on my list tend to be neglected as far as thanks go, but that's what this holiday is for. The recognition that I'm a selfish jerk. Right?

1) My mom. She's the shit. She's always the first person I call when I'm stressed or upset, so she's also the one person who has to bear the weight of my bad moods and rantings. And no matter how many times I swear at her, snap at her and tell her the most horrible things I've done, she still sticks around. I thought she'd have disowned me by now, but that's unconditional love for ya. It never ever goes away and as long as we're both alive, we'll have each other.

2) My mom's cooking. I have only three words; green bean casserole.

3) My roommates. Although we're all diverse and each trying to find our own way through University and life, we work. Like a well-oiled machine. No one can deny the chemistry we have living together in our warm, snuggled apartment, and even though we've had our differences there's some peace knowing that we all love each other.

4) My dog. She's not going to be around much longer, but we're buds and I love every minute I get to spend with her.

5) My bronze Sketchers. I adore you.

6) My education. I think it's safe to say I slack off quite a bit, but I find my field of study fascinating and I'm grateful that I've found something I love and could do forever.

7) My mind. I still have a lot to learn and I'm glad I can acknowledge that fact. Life is a process, and everyday I acquire new knowledge and become a better person. I'm open-minded and and very appreciative for that.

8) My health. I am so very lucky in this department. No glasses, braces, broken bones, illnesses or deficits of any kind to date (knock on wood.) Just watch, tomorrow I'll end up falling down the stairs and breaking my face.

Thanksgiving may be my favourite holiday. No obligations about gifts and deadlines. Do I buy for friend A and not friend B? No stress. No dress up. Just family and food. Reflecting on the fact that we're lucky to have each other and a hot plate of delicious turkey, mashed potatoes and of course, green bean casserole.