No doubt, no empty spaces, no secrets. Disappointment lingers, however, just a trace of a spec of a molecule of disappointment and I push it away and it gets further and further from consciousness but it's still there. A shadow, a ghost peeking into every thought in my mind, a virus. A virus that threatens to infect my/our happiness.

I am grateful, I am joyous, and I bless the day I met you. But I still manage to stand in the way of my own peace, and you are still standing in the way of yours. This love is a gift we are both thankful for every day, but the struggle is there to allow ourselves to let it in fully and flawlessly. Individualism is a mine. Selfishness threatens to detonate it. Love is the victim.

Fly Straight

Even though sometimes it will be hard, and even when you wonder why nobody cares, you will have something. Your experiences, the people you've met and the things you've done. I went to Edinburgh and lived for six months. Got a job, made friends, travelled. I went to Croatia, Greece, Turkey and Ireland all by myself and made memories. No one else on this earth has what I have. No one shares my memories with me. The memories of my experiences are mine and mine alone and I will carry them with me forever.

So when you wonder why nobody cares, it's because they will never ever understand. They weren't there. It means nothing to them. The only person it matters to is you, and that makes it special.

This point in my life is an interim step. I feel in between chapters, and so I've become nostalgic about last year. Last year was action packed and full of newness and change. September will mean that again, but for now I am enjoying the pause. A few months of taking a deep, deep breath and enjoying everything around me. Smelling the roses if you will. The action will start again, I'm just waiting.

Waiting and smiling.

How the Heart Bends

Longing is just love projected into space with the hope that it will land somewhere. Love is your heart expanding in order to contain something other than yourself.

(Art is an experience that evokes a feeling from you.)

I Don't See What Anyone Can See in Anyone Else

This has not shaken my faith in the least. The opposite, in fact. I have rekindled my romance with renewed exuberance! I love myself and I am capable of doing remarkable things. Nothing can shake this foundation I have built.

As it stands, I am in the top tenth percentile of my Perception class. Booya.

I remember thinking, writing a final exam in a different course a while ago, "There's no way I can pass this, I'm way too tired." I had pulled an all-nighter the night before and could barely keep my eyes open. Not surprisingly, I failed. That was the only exam I ever failed, but it was also the only exam I ever thought I would fail. Coincidence?

So this time I thought, "I'm going to do so well on this exam, the material is so easy." And guess what happened? Maybe all we need in order to get what we want is a little faith.

I'm The Girl With a Dove and You're a Boy With a Feather

I love writing. I love the idea of being able to invoke a feeling in myself or someone else just by words on a page. The thing I've learned about myself and writing though, is that I find I'm more creative when I'm sad. So I would often be my own worst enemy when I felt like writing: A masochist, if you will. Making myself feel lonely, or imagining things to be upset about when there were none, just so I could write something good.

The thing is, now I'm happier than I've ever been ever. I jump for joy every day. It may sound silly, but the minute my feet hit the floor in the morning, I'm smiling. I have so many things to be happy about, and over time I've stopped having any desire to make myself miserable. The problem with that is that I've pretty much stopped writing, and I miss it.

So this is me, the happier version of me, making an effort to continue where I left off. My inspiration is going to need to come from somewhere else, and I am going to make an honest effort to train myself in the art of happy posting.

Help in Proverbs

It's almost as if in running away I found myself
And in coming home I lost it again
I’m beginning to remember who I am at home
But I may like me better when I’m gone.

My home friends are loyal and consistent
My away friends are fun at best
And me, I feel like a gem
I can’t be polished without friction.

Call me, call me! Where am I meant to be?
Only I can show me the way.
I am alone again, uncomfortable in comfort.
Remove this safety net from beneath me
I want to fly.

I will forever keep this bough in my heart
And eventually the singing bird will come
I will light a candle rather than curse this darkness
Someone light me a match.

The search continues on and so does my lesson
We are all together on this one
Why do I feel so far when I’ve never been closer
Straining myself for some recognition of days past.

Call me, call me! Where am I meant to be?
Only I can show me the way.
I am alone again, uncomfortable in comfort.
Remove this safety net from beneath me
I want to fly.

This Season

Autumn by the Liffey is bitter cold on a good day. Yet I still find myself romanticizing the leaves crunching under my feet and rosy red cheeks. The air is different here, and I am becoming different here. Unfamiliarity has become familiar, and change has become the norm.

What will happen when I leave this nomadic chapter of my life? Will I begin another? I suppose it's my fate to be always chasing, always looking for something before I know what that something is, and I'm starting to become okay with that.

The river flows by quietly in this city. The leaves fall unheard and we pass each other by on the street like ghosts. We are in the same city now, oceans away from normality and strangely connected. This thought makes me feel so serendipitous; nothing like the lonely vagabond I thought I had become.

Tantalus: Thank you for pointing out this interesting coincidence! Life never fails to surprise me.